Headlies: Coca-Cola Reveals Special Wrestlecrap-Edition Cans For Christmas

12 Submitted by on Mon, 26 December 2016, 08:00

Indianapolis, IN – In a surprise move, Coca-Cola will be releasing new specialty cans next year featuring the names and images of terrible professional wrestling gimmicks and angles.

Coca-Cola Chairman and CEO Muhtar Kent explained the sudden and inexplicable change to the soda company’s traditional winter and Santa Claus-themed cans.

“My flight had a layover this morning at the Indianapolis International Airport. I was making my way to the Delta Platinum Member lounge when I was accosted by two men. They were wild-eyed and speaking so fast that I couldn’t make out what they were saying,” said the still-visibly shaken Kent.

“Something about ‘Wrestling’ and ‘Crap’ and ‘Gooker’ and ‘Centaur-licious’. I’m pretty sure one of them was some sort of hobo. He smelled of obscure potato chips and King Cobra beer. The other one kept offering me to try some King Vitamin cereal. They handed me a sheet of paper. I signed it just to get them away from me. Turns out it was a contract for these new Coke cans.”

The cans, which feature names and pictures of over-the-top wrestling personalities such as Kizarny, The Ding Dongs, Red Rooster, Shockmaster, Cheatum, and Dixie Carter will be on shelves nationwide starting next November.

Coca-Cola stocks have already lost 100 points since the announcement was made.

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
12 Responses to "Headlies: Coca-Cola Reveals Special Wrestlecrap-Edition Cans For Christmas"
  1. Geoff says:

    First generation line: Gobbedly Gooker, Red Rooster, Barry Horowitz and Brooklyn Brawler

    Second generation Line: Shockmaster (front and center) Berzerker, Giant Gonzalez, El Gigante, Great Kali,

    Third generation line: TBD

  2. Thomas Moffatt says:

    No Roman Reigns?

  3. John C says:

    In a counter manuever Shasta Cola announced an exclusive deal with Senor Benjamin to not only promote their beverage but to actually physically stock the shelves with the product. Senor Benjamin was said to be excited to help the company with their dilapidated sales.

  4. Mav says:

    Didn’t Dusty have a deal with Mello Yello back in his NWA days?

    I would buy the heck out of these. I really wish these were real.

  5. Doc75 says:

    personally i prefer Pepsi but i would buy em. gotta collect em all lol.

  6. DarthPitch says:

    In a related move, all Coca-Cola Santa Claus images will be of Xanta Klaus instead.

  7. Thomas Moffatt says:

    You could have some of the small mini ones with the likes of Hornswoggle, Chester Cheeserton and Dink the Clown on…

  8. Jed Shaffer says:

    Rewriting The Book cans would be labeled Pepsi.

  9. Geoff says:

    DOh! Russo swerve! Didn’t see that coming!

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