WrestleCrap Power Crappings, Week I

17 Submitted by on Fri, 18 January 2013, 14:31

Here are the 15 worst stories, angles, gimmicks, and miscellaneous events in wrestling, as chosen by our fellow Crappers!

brookebullyBrooke Hogan and Bully Ray tie the knot

Daddy Hulk has been aching to find something for his daughter, The Wooden Salmon, to sink her Botoxed lips into. So what better than taking one of the company’s most antagonistic heels, one guaranteed to cut a great promo time and time again, and make him Brooke’s beau? And with the disastrous wedding angle on Thursday’s Impact, there’s a chance this could be a repeat #1.

The Great Khali/Hornswoggle/Natalya Trifecta From Hell

WWE’s idea of a merry band of misfits includes a sunken-eyed monster, a happy-go-lucky midget, and a rather comely (and criminally misused) lass. All this angle’s missing is a twelve-fingered man, or possibly Elijah Wood. They’re out there for no other reason except to create silly contrast in each other’s presence, and to continue using a once-in-a-lifetime talent in Natalya to her not-fullest.

cenadolphDolph Ziggler can’t beat John Cena
Maybe the problem is too many matches and too many shows? If Bret Hart wrestled on every episode of Raw from 1993-95, he’d win most of his matches, and we’d have gotten sick of him too. Regardless, there’s little solace in seeing Cena get the better of Ziggler again and again and again and again, in this oversaturated, give-us-somebody-different era of youthful sponsor pandering.

The Miz as a babyface
Miz as a heel bragged about his fame and success while running down the “haters” who said he couldn’t make it. That was fine. Miz as a face makes the same jokes John Cena makes, while coming off like a 30-year old Kevin McAllister. That is not fine.

zackWWE disses Zack Ryder….again
The passive-aggressive pimp-slapping of Long Island Iced Z continues, as Ryder’s Twitter count isn’t even acknowledged in a WWE Did You Know? of top follower counts. They tell talent to get over on their own, Ryder does, and then he’s punished for it.

Hulk Hogan claims a $50M match with John Cena was in the works
The Hulkster is at it again, suing doctors for performing surgery on him that, allegedly, cost him a huge payday with WWE star John Cena. Maybe Hogan wouldn’t have been paid $50M for said match, but that’s the amount he’s suing for.

aces8sAces and Eights
Much like Jenny McCarthy’s continued existence, they’re still going. At least we have five unmasked members now in DOC, Knox, Devon, Anderson, and Taz, so maybe, with a big name, it’s salvageable. Given anything involving Hogan though, don’t bet on it.

Ric Flair, senile and without purpose
RD Reynolds thought it was Leslie Nielsen on his TV Monday night, but I did him one better, claiming that the guest on MizTV was the decomposed corpse of Lt. Frank Drebin. Seeing a broke Nature Boy try to live in the past is simply disheartening.

Raw 20 disappoints
While not a terrible show (the wrestling was good), Raw 20 didn’t feature much nostalgia outside of a few guests and many video packages. No Austin, Michaels, Jericho, Undertaker, Batista, HHH, Piper, or even the frigging Quebecers!

adrAlberto Del Rio as a babyface
While nowhere near annoying as Miz, Del Rio’s face turn came out of left field, and seems to have little thought behind it. The new champ came off well on Monday, mixing bravado with flair (a la Eddie Guerrero and Razor Ramon), but it’ll take time.

grahamSuperstar Billy Graham rips CM Punk
I’ll go easy here, in light of Friday’s news that Graham is critically ill, but the iconic heel came off as an old coot when he bashed Punk for his in-character comments about Bruno Sammartino. Chris Jericho, no friend of Graham’s, retorted on Punk’s behalf.

CM Punk vs. The Rock
Some voters don’t like the idea of Rock getting a WWE Title shot, even if it will likely be a hell of a match at the Royal Rumble. Those who tire of the part-timers taking up precious airtime and big angles know that Jack Tunney wouldn’t have stood for it.

keneleyTodd Keneley
TNA needed some new announcers, and Keneley’s a smart man who seems to love the business, but it’s an ill-fit so far. His nasally voice takes getting used to, and he seems to think saying “Hell” a lot is edgy. He can always fine-tune his style, of course.

longTheodore Long
What, exactly, is Long’s purpose these days? It was bad enough when he turned every intersecting pair of feuds into a “TAG TEAM MATCH, PLAYA”, but now he just stands there with Booker T, maybe to take a slap from a disenchanted heel sometimes.

vickieVickie Guerrero
There’s comic foils, and then there’s one who serves no purpose, except screeching her catchphrase, and speaking in a stilted, deer-in-the-headlights cadence before others make fun of her age and/or weight. Monday Night Football sends her thank-you notes.

(Follow Justin on Twitter!)

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)
17 Responses to "WrestleCrap Power Crappings, Week I"
  1. Down With OPC says:

    Just finished watching #1, where was Sting? Or anyone for that matter? You’d think Hogan would have security for his daughter’s wedding (unless he is behind the whole thing…which could mean Sting is too…ugh.)

  2. Googalslosh says:

    I think turning Del Rio face has something to do with the ever growing hispanic viewership in WWE. I hope it works out.

  3. BigPoppaNasty says:

    You could add Hulk Hogan’s mere presence on TNA programming to this list and it would have my vote for number one.

  4. Superstarl says:

    I have faith in Del Rio. I have no idea why, but I do. Miz… well that concerns me.

  5. Bill Richy says:

    I’m not as annoyed with Zack Ryder being dissed time and time again as I am annoyed with Zack Ryder immediately taking a snarky bitchfest to twitter every time he’s slighted in any way. No Ryder on RAW 20… TLC pay per view in New York and Ryder’s not booked on the show… Ryder’s name left off the list of popular twitter accounts … Boo-boo, Zack … You rallied the crowd behind you all the way to a U.S. Championship reign. But what else do ya got? This Jersey Shore wannabe character can only take you so far. You have the talent to be a big star, but Long Island Iced Z will never headline Wrestlemania and you’re not owed anything just because your YouTube show gets a lot of hits.

  6. Muta_Mark says:

    Eve Torres leaving not make the list??News was devastating!!

  7. Raby says:

    We might as well just rank every high point and say it is horrible then. I don’t have high hopes for the future articles by Justin. 3MB or gut check isnt even here.

    • Justin Henry says:

      Oh, did you vote for either of them? I didn’t get a vote for either one, so I’m going to guess “no”. Your umbrage should be with the voters, not the man who compiled the votes. 🙂

  8. Bill Richy says:

    I just realized stupid auto correct turned “Boo-Hoo” into “Boo-Boo”.
    It just doesn’t have the same effect that way…

  9. Phil Melcher says:

    Totally agree on Natalya. Geez Louise what a wasted opportunity but then again I have not seen the Divas division do ANYTHING noteworthy as of late. At least during the attitude era they had those crappy VHS/DVDs of them running around in swimsuits. Nice to see Brooke Hogan still has some celebrity left, even if it is in a horrible wedding angle where she’s marrying someone who has a history of wanting to throw women through tables.

  10. No Pants Mafia says:

    Honestly I like face Del Rio. His character was going no where and he’s shown personal growth with his relationship with Ricardo. Face Miz sucks, it’s the same character except we’re supposed to cheer him.

    • Peter Santellan says:

      It’s helped Del Rio in that he dropped the “Destiny” spiel from his gimmick, too. I’m interested in seeing how his character will develop as opposed to the Miz, who is basically pandering to the crowd for a cheap pop (see: Ric Flair interview).

  11. Tony Wilson says:

    Click the pics for fun captions!

  12. Frank says:

    Del Rio goes from heel, to face, to heel who runs over Santa Claus, back to face, in what, under a month? And Teddy Long is probably sad that he no longer can tell wrestlers they’re going “One on one wit da Undatakah!”

  13. Matt Soileau says:

    I’m totally fine with Zack Ryder’s treatment. Makes feel good inside. Never liked him much.

    Also, Todd Kennely sounds a lot like Matt Striker who a lot of people love for some reason. Just saying…

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