Newz: Watcha Gonna Do When the Hulkster Finishes Up His Dates With YEWWWW?

19 Submitted by on Fri, 27 September 2013, 13:27



So October 1 is the expiry date for the contract of one Terrence Bollea, Thunder Mixer Enthusiast/1-800-COLLECT Shillmeister. As of this moment, the Hulkster has not re-signed with the company. The financial situation appears to be part of the impasse, as with Brooke Hogan and Mickie James gone, Hogan’s watched the company part ways with a singer and his biggest crush. I’ll leave it to you to determine which one’s which.

The doomsayers happy to watch TNA shrivel like the Hulk’s present-day physique are perhaps the most intriguing part of this whole development. With Hogan possibly leaving, many are singing death knell ballads (to the tune of Hulk’s warble-stained nWo theme that TNA created for him), mostly to the effect of “Ding dong, TNA is dead!”

Wait, I thought TNA was dead when they *signed* Hogan? Or when Jarrett was champion? Or when they rushed Angle vs. Joe? Or when they formed Immortal? Or when Jeff Hardy showed up more wasted than his brother’s 2005 revenge angle? Seems to me that TNA could find profit in releasing a “Many Deaths of TNA” commemorative shirt, much in the vein of classic “Many Deaths of Kenny” South Park shirts fifteen years back.

If Hogan does indeed go, will those who ‘swore off’ TNA because of his presence begin watching again? I happen to know a couple of folks who refused to buy Destination X 2012 (that of the Roode/Aries World Title match, second or third best match in TNA history) because “I refuse to support any company with Hogan.” Hey, the orange boogeyman may be slain! It’s now safe to come back!

With “Hogan’s there” being removed from the TNA Wheel of Excuses for Lack of Patronage (along with “Russo’s the booker”, “they never leave Orlando”, “Karen Jarrett’s voice”, “The Claire Lynch angle” and “Sting thinks he’s the Joker” being removed in the past year), what remains are:

-Dixie owns it
-I’m not home Thursdays
-Bischoff’s there
-I’m forever enslaved by WWE’s superior production values, because prettiness is akin to greatness, which is akin to godliness.
-I don’t mind Stephanie and Hunter inserting themselves into a Daniel Bryan storyline, but Claire Lynch shrieking at AJ Styles is horrible, and everyone in TNA should die because I said so.
-They upset Punk in 2004. I gave up Coca Cola and rooting for the Red Wings so Punk, Conqueror of Worlds, wouldn’t kill me in my sleep.

TNA: we can’t create a decent theme song, consistent buzz for ourselves, or a viable place for Hogan and Bischoff’s kids to shine, but we can help you come up with reasons not to watch the best parts of us.

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Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook ( and Twitter (
19 Responses to "Newz: Watcha Gonna Do When the Hulkster Finishes Up His Dates With YEWWWW?"
  1. James Mitchell says:

    While I understand that his presence is always going to induce a nostalgia pop from people, his presence adds nothing to proceedings, really, except to steal the spotlight from younger guys (and, in some instances, their wages). I will not be bothered if he doesn’t come back, but won’t throw a hissy fit if he does, either. Sting’s as much of a problem, really, as he continues to be inserted in matches on the show itself and he’s a bit of a nuisance in that regard.

  2. Rose Harmon says:

    Am I the only one who thinks that Garett Bischoff has potential?

  3. James Mitchell says:

    He seemed a little better on the mic last week, but I haven’t seen him wrestle in a while to say whether he is any better than before, when he wasn’t particularly good. That said, one of the worst things about the Aces and 8s faction has been how the others have barely wrestled. I don’t love Wes and Garett, but if they are going to be there, pop them in the tag division and give them a chance to improve while getting another team in the division. They’re being paid, so why not utilise them? Have Brooke go after the KO title. Have Knux fight someone. The faction should have been aiming at domination by winning titles in each division, but it’s too late for that now. Instead, they have all just been hanging around waiting on the break-up of the group, when those who turn on Bully might get a cheer but will then probably be fired (Garett excepted, probably).

  4. Anonymous says:

    TNA sucks. This is an objective fact. Period, end of story.


  5. John says:

    Perhaps if this Hogan fellow were to jump to WWE maybe Triple H would be willing to put this young upstart over in a match.

  6. CarlMarksGuy says:

    I’ve been trying to think of how to say this, cuz it just feels like I’m just re-running the debate after the Weekly Voting stuff was removed….anyway, here it is in a gobbledygooker-shell:

    wrestleCRAP makes me laugh.

    wrestleDIRT makes me depressed.

    And THAT is all da people need to know!

  7. Marvelous says:

    Bobby roodes’ theme is great!

  8. qwerty says:

    Hahaha! TNA dead?

    Seriously, that company should have died many years ago.

  9. Mister Forth says:

    Well put stuff.

  10. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Still no page about the biggest moron in wrestling leaving WWE…

  11. 80's Guy says:

    I wish Hogan would disappear from television forever. I can’t stand seeing him hobbling around stealing the spotlight.

    HHH is also coming in at a close second in that regard. His ego is through the roof lately.

    What is it with people who have multiple “H”s in their name????

  12. Jacob Gunther says:

    I prefer when you make memes, Justin. The sarcasm is better for me in smaller dosages.

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