62 Submitted by on Sun, 14 February 2021, 09:00

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching —you know that day where the average wrestling fan masturbates into his favorite sock, (Mr. Cocko?) and then cries himself to sleep—I thought I’d get the jump on the festivities early and introduce my *own* line of patented (just registered it and the phonograph this morning) Valentine’s Day cards, guaranteed to get you blank stares of bewilderment from everyone who ISN’T F*CKING AWESOME.

In any event, I knew I could have gone the clichéd route, with an HBK, a Rick Rude perhaps, hell, even the aptly named Greg “The Hammer” Valentine, who no doubt turned the capillary brace backwards and broke all our hearts – but I decided “no.” I instead thought outside the box. Or inside it. And decided that only one man should sternly wish you or your most cherished loved ones a what for this V.D. Season:


Yes, that’s right. A man who knew all about love. For he was a man who loved abdominal stretches and lateral presses SO MUCH, for example, that it virtually (or LITERALLY! ™ Gorilla) broke the big man’s heart every time they were misapplied. (He too was a man whom no doubt would find your datelessness this February 14th a true miscarriage of justice as well.).

So let’s get to it! And by all means copy and paste and share these with those you care about most. Gorilla would have wanted it that way. (He’d have also wanted you to fully grapevine that leg to properly execute that abdominal stretch.).

Written by

SEAN CARLESS IS NOT A GOOD PERSON. BUT YOU SHOULD FOLLOW HIM ON TWITTER ANYWAY. (BRING MONEY). Sean Carless invented making Photoshops on the internet and jokes about wrestling. He also once came in second place in a handsome contest that he was the only contestant in. His various scribblings and animations have been read/seen at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Wrestling Observer, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star, Wrestlecrap, The Wrestling Fan.com and whatever shitty message board you likely post at. He has also cured AIDS.
  1. Adam Cota says:

    Why couldn’t I ever hand these out back in my grade school days; I feel robbed…

  2. Wrestlecrap's Janitor says:

    I re-posted one of these images on FB with proper credit of course to you. Hilarious! I got some friends that will appreciate the reference.

  3. Alan says:

    A classic!

  4. Tony G says:

    Hilarious. I laughed out loud ( literally ) What made them even funnier is i totally read them in Gorillas voice.

  5. cavalier says:

    I can’t stop laughing. Fun on so many levels.

  6. I had to make sure I swallowed my drink so I wouldn’t be doing a spit take while reading this.

  7. RD Reynolds says:

    This may be my favorite thing ever posted at WrestleCrap.com.

  8. These are outstanding! I would so totally have bought these to hand out to the ladies at my grade school’s Valentine’s Day card exchange!

  9. Art0Donnell says:

    Don’t forget the Vince McMahon Valentines.

    “I love you with all my heart-area!”

  10. (starts a “This is Awesome” chant)

  11. Brian E says:

    These are solid gold…and they’re a hit with the crowd, too!

  12. I must save these for Valentine’s Day! Brilliant!

  13. Just Josh says:

    These are just awesome beyond awesome. If people are not giving these out on Valentine’s Day, they clearly are not my friend.

  14. I Choo-Choo-Choose these Valentines.

  15. BigPoppaNasty says:

    Now we just need a set of Art Donovan Valentines. How much does dis candy heart weigh? Is dat Razor? Is he my Valentine?

    • Art0Donnell says:

      When you do dat kinda work wit da lips, can ya kiss ‘im?
      The referee’s stealin’ the belt! And you’re stealin’ my heart!
      You’re a cutie!
      Is that the way you’re gonna spend the night, with all your clothes on?
      You’re the girl I picked to win!
      What’s this girl over here screamin’ at? Me, I hope!
      I’m liable to get undressed! I’ll be your second! Ha!
      How do you get outta bed in the morning?

  16. Autrach Sejanoz says:


  17. I’d like to think that this is how R.D wooed Mrs. Deal back when they first started dating.

  18. C.G. Scum says:

    Those are fantastic! Great stuff!

  19. Zac Campbell says:

    The S.R.O. signs went out early (On My Heart)

  20. Solid_66 says:

    Someone Call up the Vienna Boys’ Choir!

    (to sing your praises).

    • Solid_66 says:


      1.) Don’t be a Weasel! Be my Valentine!

      2.) There’s a Pipe Wrench in Luger’s Elbow…and a burning in my heart!
      Be My Valentine!

  21. Y2Bane says:

    “What? Will you stop?! (and be my valentine)
    You Are “A Main Event anywhere in the world”

  22. Nick Nutter says:

    Absolutely Incredible!

  23. Sean says:

    Why isn’t these made back in the good old days???

  24. Rose Harmon says:

    These are amazing! Already shared one.

  25. hobu0 says:

    Holy mackerel! Funniest thing i’ve ever seen on the internet. Literally 😉

  26. Bone White says:

    Wonderful – I wish I could buy on of these

  27. Probably the best thing WrestleCrap has ever posted. I laughed out loud at all of these.

  28. Tim says:

    We need a Bobby Heenan one saying “Be mine or you’re not being fair to Flair”

  29. 80's Guy says:

    I shudder to think how Gorilla would feel if he saw Miz’ version of the figure four….

  30. Mav says:

    These are awesome. Gorilla Monsoon was fantastic. Primetime Wrestling was as good as wrestling has ever got. I remember being pissed off when Raw started and with good reason. Monsoon and Heenan were comedy gold.

  31. Walt says:

    Has it been a year already?

  32. John C says:

    Next year will be the JR line of cards.
    “Be my valentine and you’ll get a slobber knocker”
    “Come for my sauce and wait for my kiss”
    “Don’t stomp a mudhole in my heart, be my valentine”
    “You can ride me like a government mule if you’ll be my valentine”

  33. originalflavorgobias says:

    Oh man, those are great. I might send the “will you be serious?!” one to someone, even if she won’t get it.

  34. Hashington says:

    Dusty version:


  35. Brad says:

    My love for you will never go to the well one too many times

    Conspicuous by your absence, I miss you when you’re not around

    Take a look at this kisser…..because it’s only kissing you

  36. Mister Forth says:

    Not being in love would be a miscarriage of justice.

  37. Chikarasaurus Rex says:

    Printed these out and have been giving them to strangers and putting them in mailboxes.

  38. Paul says:

    I LMAO over the Mr. Cocko bit. Hilarious.

    Best card: Pearl Harbor job on my heart.

  39. Doc 902714 says:

    Or even Tony Schiavone Valentines

    This will go down as the greatest night in the history of our sport (If youll be my valentine)

  40. Drew says:

    You wouldn’t know a wristlock from a wristwatch, but Happy Valentine’s Day!

  41. John C says:

    “I’d like to check your credentials out.”

  42. This is still one of my most favorite things ever written for the site.

  43. Brad says:

    Our love will never go to the well one too many times

    Make me glad I retired, and be my Valentine

  44. Drew says:

    All of these Gorilla reflections are touching. He really was the best. I got to know him on an informal basis back in the late 70’s. I was single then and actually had a few dollars to piss away, so I had seats for the Sixers and Flyers. Monsoon was almost always at the Spectrum – and sort of a hard guy to miss. I chatted with him on a few occasions, since we are from the same area (no, not Mongolia) and always found him to be such a pleasant, unassuming guy. Always a nice word for anyone that wanted to shake his hand or get an autograph. I don’t think his pairing with Heenan can ever be surpassed, and I’m pretty sure he’d be the first guy to laugh at those cards.

  45. Pérez84 says:

    WILL YOU STOP???!!! (not caring about me)
    Be my Valentine!

  46. Kingofoldschool says:

    You forgot a couple.

    “It’ll be a miscarriage of justice if you won’t be my Valentine!”
    “You’re the excellence of execution of my heart.”

  47. Mister Forth says:

    I imagine someone is going to actually use these.

  48. Gotchism For Life says:

    Three years later, and just as awesome.

    Posting these is a great Valentine’s tradition. I always read them using Monsoon’s voice in my head.

    Not that I hear voices…you know what I mean…I hope.

    Happy Valentine’s!

  49. Mr 'Excitement Personified' says:

    “Mark me down in your Pay Per View Diary”

  50. hobu0 says:

    Hahaha classics!

  51. KatieVictoriasSecret says:

    Years later and this is still one of my favorite posts on the site.

  52. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    This is still one of the funniest things I’ve ever read in the 17 years of the site. 🙂

  53. ThePWBPoster says:

    There is a name I have not seen in a while, Sean Carless…I remember him back from the days of Tripod still being a thing. Now off to print a few Gorilla cards.

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