NEWZ: Dolph Ziggler Would Suck on Win, Lose, or Draw, Because He Can’t Do Two of Those Things

13 Submitted by on Thu, 26 September 2013, 13:35



Don’t look at me, WWE’s the one who apparently believes Dolph Ziggler can’t draw money. The Observer’s reporting that Dolph’s premature evacuation from the main event scene is due to his perceived lack of value as a draw, and has absolutely nothing to do with his unminced public comments about the flaws within the company hierarchy, NOPE NOSIREE BOB.

Of course, he could get his main event push back in due time. He just has to run through the WWE Gauntlet of the Disgraced Superstar, which generally entails of putting over an unlikable Irish dullard clean as a sheet, get humiliated by your girlfriend for no discernible reason (hey, that’s happened!), endure month after month of the commentators comparing you to an unkempt farm animal, form an unlikely alliance with a homicidal arsonist that prefers his sexual partners to lie still, and succeed despite the company’s best efforts to turn you against your calling-card catchphrase.

That’s worked for somebody, I believe.

In the end, Dolph will have to prove his value as a draw, just as every other top WWE star has. In short, a list of WWE’s most pushed commodities, and who they cater to specifically:

John Cena – sick kids whose dying wishes include wanting to see interesting performers get emasculated by a man dressed like he’s attending junior high in 1997.

The Rock, Brock Lesnar, and Undertaker – folks budgeted to watching Raw six times a year, and generally wish they could get away with dressing like they’re attending junior high in 1997 every day of their lives.

Randy Orton – oft-punished ne’er-do-wells with rage issues that need a role model. The late Brad Renfro cited Orton as “his Elvis.”

CM Punk – today’s ‘meh’ generation that will hail a man as a hero, refuse to legally purchase the PPVs that he headlines, and then try to justify his worth when the buyrates are reported. (Seriously, only 190,000 buys for Money in the Bank 2011? After the Pipe Bomb promo?)

Daniel Bryan – that undisciplined friend you have whose out-of-control beard reeks of something Nabisco-y, and thinks their facial hair makes them a kindred spirit of a charitable man that trains in MMA.

The Total Divas cast – every vapid whore you know. Does she have TMZ saved on her DVR? Vince would like to market to her directly.

Alberto Del Rio – I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

Ryback – skull-capped gym rats who yearn to bully around food service employees, but don’t quite have the temerity to actually do it.

Sheamus – twerpy little sadists who feel the best away around conflict resolution is to beat up an olive-brancher and pose over his carcass. In other words, self-entitled brats whose parents both work too many hours.

Miz – Million Second Quiz hosting applicants that bring nothing to the table, but are too busy making sure their cheekbones are equal to take anything off of it.

Darren Young – Groups who would like to give public recognition (and possibly cash) to WWE for being one of the most understanding and sensitive places to work. Dawn Marie c. 2005 would have something to say about that, I’m certain.

So all is not lost for Mr. Ziggles (Copyright 2009, John Morrison c/o the taintscraper that writes his shit). All he has to do is find a niche audience, cultivate it, and presto, he’s getting pushed because of his loyalty to the company line hard work and viability.

(Justin was here)

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook ( and Twitter (
13 Responses to "NEWZ: Dolph Ziggler Would Suck on Win, Lose, or Draw, Because He Can’t Do Two of Those Things"
  1. patricko says:

    what’s the Dawn Marie / 2005 reference?

    I’m not a dirt sheet reader, didn’t know Ziggles spoke about flaws in the hierarchy.
    Have just, in my casual fan manner, realized he’s been dropped down the ladder… a whole lot….

    • Justin Henry says:

      Dawn was fired while 5 months pregnant. WWE also consulted a psychic who said that she planned to screw Kamala over in 2012, and they didn’t want anyone horning in on their racket.

  2. Alan says:

    What did he say that offended the fragile egos of the McMahons? I’ve tried to remember what he said. I read he said something during Summerslam week that got him placed in the doghouse.

  3. John says:

    With his curly hair I had always hoped he’d grow a goatee and slap around a reporter in the back for trying to expose the business. He’d become DR.Z Ziggy Schultz.

    • drunkenmaster says:

      Agreed. Of course, if he does that actually, then he will no doubt get fired after said reporter sues the company or something…

  4. Anonymous says:

    Does anyone have a link to the comments in question?

  5. CarlMarksGuy says:

    Holy shnikes, just look at that jaw; this guy would clean house on CHIN, lose or draw.

  6. TrenWolfman says:

    MitB 2011 is, in fact, the ONLY PPV that I’ve ever paid money to see live. Considering how awesome that night was, I’m saddened that it apparently did so poorly in PPV sales.

  7. Mister Forth says:

    Pretty funny list. I’ll get back to you on that one.

leave a comment