Curtain Jerker, 1/16/13: You’re a Kid Again

24 Submitted by on Wed, 16 January 2013, 08:00



One of the more common criticisms of WWE made by fans like you and I is that it’s too childish. From John Cena’s misguided bathroom humor, to broad sight gags, to Hornswoggle, it’s hard to be in your 20’s or 30’s, especially beyond, and love wrestling at times.

But understandably, WWE would be foolish not to cater to the easiest demographic to win over: children. Hook em while they’re young, big tobacco says.

If you’re like me, and you’ve watched wrestling since your childhood (I was 5 when I started, in mid-1989), sometimes you’re even a little embarrassed by what you liked back then as well. Nostalgic as you may be for the “good old days”, you’re looking at the past through rose-colored glasses. Sure, 1991 had Bret vs. Perfect, Flair’s debut, Savage vs. Roberts, and LOD winning the tag titles, but it also had Repo Man, Big Bully Busick, Warrior being attacked by snakes, and Hogan fighting Iraq.

Every era has crap, and every era has greatness. Depends on your sensibilities and how you set your tolerance filter.

My question to you today: if you were, say, 8-10 years old again, given your thought process at that age, what current WWE superstar would be your favorite?

At that age, I was a Rockers fan who stuck with HBK when he turned heel. I dug the “cocky douchebag” schtick, as it was also what I liked about Mr. Perfect when he was a heel. In school, I was never part of the ‘cool kids’, so I saw myself as a reluctant heel in my youth, silly as it sounds. You know, always wanted to beat up the popular kid and stand tall. So HBK and Perfect were my faves.

Using that logic, my hero today would probably be Dolph Ziggler. He fits the Perfect/Michaels mold, and his matches are a blast to watch. I wasn’t a “workrate” fanatic at that age, but I did like fast paced wrestling with crazy bumps.

How about you? You’re 8-10 years old again. Who’s your favorite wrestler today and why?

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Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook ( and Twitter (
24 Responses to "Curtain Jerker, 1/16/13: You’re a Kid Again"
  1. DeweyDTruman says:

    On one hand, I really loved goldberg when I was a kid (in retrospect I’ve pretty much blocked everything else that happened in WCW out of my mind besides him, at least the part of remembering seeing it) so Ryback, I guess. On the other hand spot monkeys always got me, too.

  2. Joseph S. Hasan says:

    John Cena, because when I was 8-10, my favorite was Hulk.

  3. Superstarl says:

    Its gotta be Cena. Good guys who stand up for what they believe in are good for most kiddies.

  4. Brandon says:

    When I was 8 years old, John Cena was my favorite. He was, interestingly enough, the first heel I remember cheering for. He later became the first face I regularly cheered against. That said, he would probably still be my favorite if I were back to that age.

  5. patricko says:

    Didn’t start watching until I was in my mid-teens.
    But knowing my 10 year old self, I would have farted on guys like Hogan, because after the 2nd match, I’d have realized that every match would end the same way, and he was a little too… much. say your prayers, take your vitamins…

    10 year old me today – I would have probably liked John Morrison. maybe would be enjoying the Rock’s return, because his crappy jokes and insults are at a 10 year old’s level. he called Punk cookie puss, heh, heh heh…

    I’d likely be a Cena fan, but he’d be on the way out for me, because of the repetition and how he’s booked to be hogan-like in his invincibility. I’d be all “he was ok when I was a KID….”

  6. The Last Doink says:

    If I were 8-10 years old I would be cheering for Santino Marella. As you can probably tell from my handle I was a huge Doink mark, from his heel beginnings, with Matt Bourne. to his face persona, with just about everyone putting on the paint and headgear. I loved the goofy gimmicks as a kid and I still kinda get a kick out of them now.

  7. Matt Soileau says:

    When I was a kid, I like Million Dollar Man and Macho Man. And Hogan too I think. It would probably be Cena.

  8. Peter Santellan says:

    Putting on my 10 year old self cap, it was no easy task. However, I did like the Ultimate Warrior as a kid, but seeing as there’s not anyone that really compares to Warrior (my current self says, “Thank heaven”), I’d say my 10 year old self would like Daniel Bryan.

  9. Combsy says:

    When I was 10 I was huge fan of The Rock & The Undertaker. I Guess if I was 10 now My favorites would likely be exactly the same. The Rock & The Undertaker.

  10. BigPoppaNasty says:

    Well, Kane debuted when I was 10, and I thought that he was the coolest character ever when he arrived. I’d have to go with another character from today that makes fire come out of ringposts, wears a mask, and is super tall. If you guys know a guy like that, let me know.

  11. Jimbolian says:

    I was like 8 at the time when Lex Luger was the patriotic waving, bionic arm swinging, Made in America American in the WWF in 1993 and became a fan. It was when he bodyslammed big ol’ mean “Japanese foreigner” Yokozuna that got me hooked on Luger.

    If I was 8 years old and using the same mentality today, I guess I’d be a Jack Swagger fan? Can’t really think of who’d I be a huge fan of today if I was a kid, but if I had to pick, probably someone like Kofi Kingston or hell, even Cena.

  12. Frank says:

    When I was a kid, I watched the old Monday Night Wars, and loved all the cruiserweights in WCW, Dean Malenko, Rey Mysterio Jr., La Parka, Psychosis, Juventud Guererra, Eddie Guerrero, Ultimo Dragon, the list goes on and on. I also was a big DDP mark and marked for Goldberg when he won the belt on Nitro, so I guess Ryback would be at the top of my list along with Punk and Bryan.

  13. RD Reynolds says:

    Santino I think…he’s the funniest guy on the crew, and I was all about Bobby Heenan.

  14. BANG!BANG! says:

    Dating myself, but when I was ten I thought Ric Flair was the Man! So I have always liked heels a lot more than any face even when I was a kid. So I would have to go with Randy Orton for his great heel appeal in the past. I hope he turns heel again, and all of his out of the ring problems make me like him even more, and would have when I was 10 also.

    • Johana says:

      You’re right about the beard. Although you’re good-looking overall, your face is amoslt square, and people generally think an almond-shaped face is more attractive.With a short beard like this one, you end up looking like a scruffy ’49er, coming out of the hills with a pack mule of gold ore.If you had a 1-2 beard, and you shaped it so that the outline of your face was almond-shape, that kind of beard might make you look better than a naked face, but if that’s a four-week beard, it’d take a long time to get a longer beard.Leviticus 19:27 says you shouldn’t shave, but when I just now talked with God, she said you look better with a nekkid chin.

  15. Christopher Chamberlain says:

    When I was five years old, I rooted for The Freebirds over anyone else…especially the Von Erichs. Even as a kid, I responded to personality and mic skills. You couldn’t beat Michael Hayes in that regard. As a 33 year old, I can honestly say that CM Punk is the only reason I watch anymore. If I was a young kid, I’m sure he’d still be my favorite.

  16. Scott Hurley says:

    Ive legitimately have watched wrestling before I could think. My dad watched it and it was always on so I clung to it. When I was 3, 4, 5 I loved Warrior, Savage, Hogan, Bret, HBK, and Sting. They were my guys. But I was always a fan of the stories more so than the guys themseleves. When the snake bit Savage I was SHOCKED! Hell I remember an episode of Superstars or Wrestling Challenge where Bezerker tried to stab Undertaker with his sword I was blown away. Id probably be a Cena fan even tho 26 year old me hates him I could see myself being a fan. And id probably love Ryback too

  17. Nick Nutter says:

    If I was a kid again, Sheamus, Kane and The Big Show would be the ones I would be fascinated by. I’ve always gravitated toward the taller, bigger dudes, the larger than life set.

    And for the record, Marty Jannetty was my favorite Rocker, so I never liked HBK. I didn’t even respect Michaels as a performer until after his comeback in 2002. I was a hater.

  18. No Pants Mafia says:

    When I was ten I was really into Lex Lugar. I guess I would like super babyface support the troops John Cena.

  19. MediumShow says:

    When I was 10 I loved Jericho, and Edge, but there’s not really anyone quite like them anymore (except, you know, Jehrico) DBry came close on his pre tag team run, always showing up and wrecking other people’s shit.

    Even at ten I appreciated technical skill.

  20. VinceMcMahonIsTheDevil says:

    When I was 8-10 years old (1991-93), my favorite wrestlers were Bret Hart, Arn Anderson, the Hollywood Blondes, and Lord Steven Regal. I grew out of my Hogan phase and appreciated a good match. Also, I was a prick from an early age so heels like Austin and Pillman and Regal were appealing to me. I remember walking around with a hand behind my back the way Regal has done throughout his career. Also, I have loved Arn Anderson’s spinebuster from the first time I saw it when I was five. It was so cool then and now.

    If that version of me was around today, I think my favorites would easily be Bobby Roode, Austin Aries, and maybe Dolph Ziggler. If they hadn’t turned Cody Rhodes into a PedoBear with that stupid mustache and left him as “Dashing” Cody Rhodes or the Cody Rhodes who seemed destined for the WHC before Big Show squashed him at WrestleMania 28, I’m pretty sure he’d have been a favorite of mine too.

  21. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Has to be Jake “The Snake” Roberts – when he spoke you listened…

  22. 80sGuy says:

    When I was a kid, I liked either underdog/lesser program type good guys (JYD, Snuka, Steamboat, Billy Jack Haynes, etc.), or bad guys that turned good (saw the error of their ways, and showed that good can be found in everybody) such as Piper, Jake the Snake, Hercules, Macho Man, Ken Patera, Orndorff, Undertaker, Beefcake, Valentine, Studd, Demolition, Powers of Pain, and so on and so forth. I enjoyed face turns back in the day, especially when I thought a “bad guy’s” personality was likeable, since I didn’t want to exactly cheer despicable behavior.

    I liked the Warrior (I was a long haired metal head that played D&D, so his persona was a perfect fit). I also liked seeing a good, exciting match.

    I also liked the “cool” bad guys who fought against Hogan (Taker again, Perfect, etc.). Basically I was not a Hogan fan, so me and my buddies rooted for whoever happened to be fighting him at the time.

    I’d say today, I’d probably be a fan of who I’ve liked already. Del Rio, Swagger, Drew/3MB, Bryan, Punk, Ziggler, Miz, Sandow, Kofi, etc.

  23. twilite_rider says:

    I’m weird in that I either love the comedy or the dark side. When I was 8 – 10 years old WM 1 was the big thing. My favorites at that time were Andre the Giant, Big John Studd, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Bobby the Brain Heenan, Tito Santana, Junkyard Dog. A year after WM 1 showed, someone hooked me to wrestling. I have been a fan ever since. I have watch off and on over the years depending on the feud, angle, storyline. I think that the storyline is just too soap operaish to me, I would rather watch the wrestling portion of the show. For some reason I always followed Hogan but I was never a big fan of his.

    My favorites today (I’m 36 but if I were 8-10 yo) are Undertaker, Santino Marella, Chris Jerico, and yes John Cena (because his promos are awesome), CM Punk, Kane, Shawn Michaels of the males. For the females my favorites whether I’m 36 or 8 would have been and probably always will be: Ms. Elizabeth, Sunny, Lita, Melina, Victoria/Tara, Chyna, Beth Phoenix, Gail Kim, Jazz, ODB, Daffney. I have always been a big fan of women wrestlers and the ones I mentioned work as hard as the men do and get very little attention so my hats are off to these pioneers. I still remember the match between Victoria and Trish I think where it was a hardcore match and Victoria won the match but ending up bleeding out of her mouth and nose. That’s when I knew that the women were really hard workers and got my respect.

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