Nickelodeon is no stranger to us here at WrestleCrap. After all, a kids network like that is fertile ground for pro wrestling cross-overs, and has been since we first saw it on cable television. Heck, even Bobby Heenan and Gorilla Monsoon got in on the action way back in the 1980s (which you can read about here).
Let’s face it – historically, kids have loved pro wrestling. Sure, the average demo of wrestling shows today skews older (NXT 2.0 in particular appears to be a huge hit at nursing homes), but by and large kids want the same things wrestling fans do – action, a bit of comedy, and fun storylines.
Unfortunately, today you’ll be getting none of that.
So let us dive into this here progrem, a little oddity dubbed WACK. I have never seen it before, have no idea what it is all about. I do know a loyal WrestleCrap Patreon fella (and we’d sure appreciate your support by clicking here) has been asking me to do it and since he has been kind enough to support me the last couple years, I can only do my best by returning the favor.
The intro features characters such as Atomic Banana, Cowabunga, Abominable Snowman, Trouble Nugget, and the Big Cheese. Has there ever been an actual wrestler named The Big Cheese? If not, that’s a true missed opportunity.
I mean, he’d be ripping off our own Paul Kraft, but just kinda seems like a gimme.
Make no mistake about it, this sure looks like an honest to goodness wrestling arena, complete with screaming fans and what appears to be a legitimate wrestling ring. Not sure why I am so surprised – I mean if Verne Gagne could slap something together for the likes of Kellogg’s, surely Nickelodeon could also afford such a setup.
Our hosts for the evening are Devon Werkheiser and Lindsey Shaw. No idea who these two are, but what I do know is Devon is a total dweeb and that Lindsey’s voice is about 5 octaves lower than a girl that age should have.
They go over tonight’s events, which will feature such bouts as Banana vs. Cheese. I already see them breaking one of the very first rules of pro wrestling…can you guess what it is?
Egads, I’ve watched this show for less than 45 seconds and even I am starting to sound like a kids show host!
We learn our main event was set up by shenanigans at a press conference where Banana had the audacity to hit cheese with a pie.
If that thing was banana cream, I am pretty sure my NetNanny is gonna block nick.com/WACK.
As the kids talk about the possibility of a new WACK champion, they are interrupted by Abominable Snowman and Cowabunga. While the bovine wearing sunglasses talks exactly as you’d expect (dude), Snowman doesn’t growl or snarl or shiver at all, instead talking like that English teacher you had in high school who really, REALLY wanted the lead in the community theater production of Hamlet.
(Note to self: there’s gotta be a wrestling pig on this show named Hamlet. Gotta be.)
We come back from
commercial an episode of Jimmy Neutron to learn something happened at the press conference that the main cameras missed. Thankfully, Snowman had his VCR rolling and procured a videocassette to give us footage of himself and his moo moo friend getting waylaid by The Wholesome Twins.
What, on earth, are these two supposed to be?
You said it, sister!
And it’s been too long. Stop by and see us more often, we miss ya!
The cow and ice man demand a match, but in order to get one, it must be sanctioned by…
THE WACK COMMISSIONER.
Hence forth, that is going to be my new go to put down.
I suggest it be yours as well.
Anyway, he gives them the match they wanted.
So tonight we get Cow and Snow versus Scary Kate and Bashley.
Ah, so they are a knockoff of the Olsen twins.
Now I (wish I didn’t) get it!
The Big Cheese is back at the punching bag, and talking about how he wants to “drop the wedge.”
He says this while doing that motion.
I can only imagine what that means.
Did I mention this show is called WACK?
We get a weigh-in for the title bout, and we learn that cheese is sadly five pounds over the weight limit. Thankfully, a turkey wanders in with a cheese grater and shaves off that weight.
Hopefully no UFC guys were watching this. I could totally see them trying to do that prior to a big fight.
We get Banana doing some call outs from the message boards next, as well the kid telling us that if you go to this internet site, you can get bios, and I am just quoting here, WACK VIDEOS.
Also, Devon says with a gleam in his eye, “there’s exclusive WACK content.”
Should we really be telling children to head to the internet to watch WACK videos?
Thanks for thinking of the children, Mox!
Next up, they take a kid out of the audience, put a traffic cone on his head, then spin him round and round as he attempts to win prizes.
You may be ready to vomite, but you just won a crappy bike that looks like it was made for your grandma!
If you’re asking where the wrestling is on this wrestling show, don’t fret. Because it’s time to go to the WACK ARENA for our opening contest!
And while you may think that a wrestling match featuring folks in mascot outfits would be horrible, you’d honestly be wrong.
Because it’s way worse than you could possibly imagine.
Still, we get terrible jokes a plenty from Devon and Lindsey:
“That’s gotta burn his buttermilk.”
“Uh oh, where’s the beef?”
“His milk’s gone bad!”
“She’s not ready for da yeti!”
For the record, Cowabunga and Abominable Snowman won via pinfall.
Hoping one of you goes and updates cagematch.net, pretty sure this one isn’t in their archives.
After the match, Snowman notes there’s only one thing left to do, turning on Cowabunga in a move straight out of the Paul Orndorff playbook.
We even get a patented WWE “shocked fan” in the crowd!
I can only guess that Kevin Dunn was watching Nick one afternoon and thought, “This…THIS IS MONEY” and that’s why we get five of those shots at every WWE
PPV Premium Live Event now.
Backstage, Mr. Bunga explains that he is “fer sher” gonna get revenge of Snowman, leaving us with this lethal threat: “No fuzzy ice cube’s gonna make jerky out of me!”
I’m halfway through this show and not sure if I should love it or hate it.
(Takes long, hard look at man in cow outfit, with udders protruding from his swim trunks.)
Yeah, I really can’t decide.
Backstage, Banana has a talk with his manager, who I THINK is supposed to be a water bottle. That or he’s supposed to be that guy from Masters of the Universe.
You know who I’m talking about.
One can only hope that Nick owned the rights to that series, or they are gonna get so sued.
On second thought, if they do own the rights, why not make a Masters of the Universe wrestling show?
I can’t be the only one who’d pay top dollar for a ringside seat for Man at Arms vs. Trap Jaw, right?
First our challenger, hailing from the jungles of Equador, weighing in at 183 pounds of pure potassium.
I’m no doctor, but that doesn’t sound very healthy.
The champion is of course The Big Cheese, better known to his friends as the Swiss bliss, the meta cheddar, and the wedge hammer. I was just about to write this show off completely, but his intro music is magnifique. I think we can all agree if we had more songs beginning with the phrase “You want a piece of the cheese”, this would be a far better world.
And remember at the top of the induction when I mentioned that they were breaking a cardinal rule? Both guys wearing the same colored outfits was what I’s talkin’ bout! Thankfully Devon helpfully explains that Cheese is wearing the red mask and Banana is wearing black.
Gotta give them props – someone on the staff definitely knew the ins and outs of the grappling game.
So we get the match and…you know what, it’s a million times better than you’d expect from guys in big bulky outfits like that. It’s not necessarily GOOD mind you, but any match that gives me a hold called the CHEESE GRATER is an automatic win.
You know what I did not need? A move called, with the good Lord above as my witness and I am not making this up, the BANANA HAMMOCK. Isn’t this a kid’s show?
How many times have I asked that question?
And you know what a match between a banana and a cheese wedge really needs?
Yep – a REF BUMP.
Seeing that dastardly banana clocking the official like that makes me all the more assured that I hated bananas for good reason.
Cheese is able to pick up the duke after going skyward with a big splash.
That they didn’t call his finisher the Fondue seems like a missed opportunity to me.
Lindsey and Devon sign off by telling us to check the website for more details, which are sure to get us ready for WACK’s return in 2007. Pretty sure that never happened and I’m not going to check.
But get this – Nick apparently believed this would be such a hit that there was a game commissioned for it.
Seriously! Behold WACK WRESTLING CHALLENGE!
Scoff if you will, but it’s way better than another wrestling game with the word “challenge” in the title.
But that, Crappers, is an induction for another day.
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