Classic Induction: Bill Kazmaier: World’s Strongest Man, Take 47

21 Submitted by on Wed, 26 November 2014, 15:00

WCW, Early 90’s

I’ve written before on this here site about the legacy of wrestling’s “strongest men”. In fact, when the site first launched way back in the stone ages, one of the original inductions was that of the Pony’s wearing slab of muscle known as Ted Arcidi.

It’s funny, because when I happened upon footage of today’s inductee, Bill Kazmaier, I had half a mind to simply copy and paste the text from the Arcidi induction and call it a night. But no, fellow Crappers, you deserve better than that. So instead, I will be ever so slightly less lazy and plagarize from The WrestleCrap Book of Lists! (which you can purchase rightchere). It’s from one of my favorite lists in the entire tome, entitled The Seven Greatest Wrestling DVDs to Never Hit Store Shelves, and it’s entry number…

4. The World’s Strongest Man: A Retrospective: Mark Henry. Ken Patera. Ted Arcidi. The names may change, but the fact remains that wrestling has long been filled with “The World’s Strongest Men.” While these men were rarely technicians inside the ring, few could compete with their mighty might. With this in mind, for the first time ever, WWE releases a disc that contains no wrestling whatsoever. In its absence, we present countless feats of strength, including, yet not limited to, coin bending, phone book tearing, and men becoming human tow trucks by pulling cars using only chains and their bare hands. Plus four straight hours of bench pressing! Order today, and get a bonus disc of Doug Furnas and Bill Kazmaier in a tug of war. This DVD is Vince McMahon’s personal favorite, and will sure to be yours as well

You have no idea how happy I was to get a Bill Kazmaier reference into one of my books.

What’s that? You don’t know of the legend of the mighty Bill Kazmaier? Well, pull up a chair, young ‘un, and let me spin ya a yarn.

Bill Kazmaier was a big mountain of a man. Seriously, I had to second guess doing this induction for years, as I sure the hell wouldn’t want to get a dude like this ticked at me.

While other wrestling strong men, from Arcidi to Ken Patera to the 44 other guys who billed themselves as such did stuff like bench pressing, Kaz did much more.

Impressive stuff, like bending metal bars with his bare hands, like he was Superman or something.

But the real difference between Big Bill and all those other wannabes was simple. Whereas those other doofuses claimed to be the “World’s Strongest Man”, they were lacking one thing, the one thing that Bill, and only Bill, had: the world on his back.

And I mean that in the most literal sense imaginable.

Seriously, WCW, in their infinite wisdom, had the guy tote PLANET EARTH ON HIS SHOULDERS.

The mind boggles at the thought of what, exactly, might be in that big ball he carried out to the ring, as it looked like it was anything but solid. In fact, it kinda swished around a bit.

Was it air? Was it water? Was it grape jelly? I always wanted to know.

In fact, it was my long-standing dream that some heel would come along and puncture Kazmaier’s globe. This would cause Kaz to fall to his knees and weep, proclaiming to fans that he would gain revenge on “the bastard that destroyed our world!”

Can you believe I’ve never been offered a booking job?

Me neither.

Anyhoo, you’re probably wondering why, exactly, we’re inducting Bill Kazmaier into the Crap.

The answer is quite simple: as a professional wrestler, he sucked.

Now sure, he was never going to be a technician in the ring, a master of scientific wrestling.

(A moment, if you please, before I continue, I’d like to comment a moment if I could on that term, “scientific wrestling”. I’ve never understood that. Like you’re going to be in the middle of the match and consult the elemental table, or perhaps whip out a chemistry set. That’s just dumb, and has always bothered me. Thanks for indulging me. Continuing on…)

Despite Jim Ross attempting to hide his limitations in the ring, there was no denying that as a performer, Kaz was one of the dirt worst wrestlers you would ever see. To be fair, though, it was almost worth him being in the ring to hear Tony Schiavone explain how men get strong. Thanks for the fitness fun fact, Tony!

While Bill definitely looked the part, he moved with all the speed and grace of a tectonic plate. Even simple maneuvers, like locking up, seemed to be beyond his grasp.

And his punches…oh my…his punches were some of the worst you will ever, EVER witness.

Although, in hindsight, may have been for the best. After all, would you want a guy who could…

…heave logs over his head…

…carry refrigerators on his back…

…deadlift Playboy playmates…

…shotput beer kegs…

…haul semi trucks…

…and flip over cars…

…thrusting his mighty hamhocks at your kisser?

I know I wouldn’t!

Jim Ross: “His forte is not scientific wrestling, his forte is using his power.”

Tony Schiavone: “To be a strong man, you have to really train hard.”

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Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often). Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!
21 Responses to "Classic Induction: Bill Kazmaier: World’s Strongest Man, Take 47"
  1. VDM says:

    He also never used in the globe in a match as far as I know. It would have ranked highly among the greatest foreign objects in history.

    • Maffew Gregg says:

      I love the globe concept. You’d think Tony Atlas would have borrowed the idea.

      • Brian E says:

        I may be wrong on my info, but I believe they pitched the idea to Tony Atlas after he and Rocky Johnson lost the WWF Tag Team titles, but Atlas shrugged. :p

        • "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

          Aggggh! 🙂

          • outlawtotheend says:

            That “shattered our world” bit…was that a Charlie Chaplin reference? If so, good one.

            Wasn’t Kazmaier teamed up with Jushin Liger at Battlebowl ’91? That’s not just apples and oranges, that’s apples and H-bombs.

  2. Earpaniac says:

    Kazmaier is from my hometown. I used to go to church with him and his parents! Lol He is all over our hs record book. But then again, Tony Romo is from here too. You take the good with the bad I guess!

  3. Usman Bello says:

    Here’s a sentence sure to make you think those magic words “Worst Match Ever”.

    In Stampede, he had a short feud with Ted Arcidi. I don’t recall ever seeing any of these on tape, but there is a lifting contest between the two on youtube. Ted’s promos were incredibly classy, riddled with AIDS jokes.

  4. Josh says:

    I just saw him doing some commentating and explaining events on World’s Strongest Man on ESPN the other day. I’m sure he’s a very nice guy, but he should not have a job where public speaking is required.

  5. Peter says:

    Imagine if Bray Wyatt had used that giant globe in his feud with John Cena, he would’ve truly had the whole world in his hands.

  6. Cpt SuckerPunch says:

    speaking of worst match ever, that appears to be kaz “wrestling” oz…good god no…

  7. Greg says:

    Oh, MAN was Kaz bad. Baaaaad. I’d flip the channel whenever he came on. At least Mark Henry has some charisma and a basic understanding of wrestling concepts, but Kazmaier had none of that. I’m sure he’s a great guy and all, but stay in the strongman contests.

  8. John C says:

    A DVD of the strongest men would probably be Vince’s porn.

  9. Mister Forth says:

    I figured he looked like Tim White exposed to Gamma Rays.

  10. Anonymous says:

    I actually think the idea of a strongman in wrestling is pretty cool, but they never work out in practice.

  11. Drew says:

    “To be a strong man, you have to train really hard.” Thanks, Schiavone! For years, I was told that to get stronger, I needed to “go to the gym.” So for about 20 years, I’ve been going to the gym every day. I don’t do anything when I get there, I just show up and stand around for an hour. And I never noticed any gains in strength. But now, with this added insight from personal trainer extraordinaire Tony Schiavone, that I actually need to “train really hard,” I’m confident that my Schwarzenegger-like physique is right around the corner. Thanks, Tony!!

  12. Geoff says:

    Thank you Drew. I never laughed so hard in my life. I mean sure there were a couple of times in my life when I did laugh semi hard and a time or two where I snorted some sort of liquid out of my nose (like Pepsi) but I didn’t have any in hand when you said that statement/paragraph. Kudos. You should write for this site.

  13. Sean Bateman says:

    Somebody should book Kazmaier sgainst Mr. Fitness II and feel the madness of Wrestlecrap’s ownpineapple hunter, Midnight Rose

  14. RadioKAOS says:

    Man, I just can’t diss The Kaz. He spends a lot of time here in Alaska, where he appears in commercials for a local chiropractor doing stuff like bending cast-iron frying pans. Last year, I stumbled upon him while walking down the street in Anchorage, and he actually took something like 20 seconds out of his life to pose for a photo for me.

    Despite having said that, I must agree with the consensus regarding his wrestling career. Back during that particular era of Stampede, you not only had Kaz and Arcidi, but also Steve DiSalvo and Tom Magee emerge from The Dungeon. You wanna talk about a phenomenally gifted athlete who turned out to be a total stiff as a worker, look no further than Magee and his mercifully short-lived wrestling career.

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