Headlies: Kevin Owens Sweatpants Now WWE’s Best-Selling Item

17 Submitted by on Mon, 07 March 2016, 08:00



Youngstown, OH – In what was originally supposed to be a knock on his weight, the Official Kevin Owens sweatpants have become WWE’s best-selling merchandise item of all time.

The sweatpants were designed by WWE television producer Kevin Dunn as a not-so-veiled shot as Owens’s body. While it is widely known that Vince McMahon prefers his wrestlers as very tall and very muscular, Owens has managed to gain support from the audience through his hard work and natural charisma. This breakthrough was not appreciated by Dunn.

“He’s just so yucky!” said a frustrated Dunn. “Gross! Gross! Gross! He just doesn’t look good on TV and that’s what matters when producing a sports entertainment program. Those sweatpants were supposed to make him feel bad, not good!”

Fan responses to the sweatpants have been universally positive. The WWE online shop has already sold out of their fifth run of the sweatpants and a wait-list for the next round reaching into the hundreds. Adjusting for inflation, the pants have already passed Steve Austin’s “Austin 3:16” shirt, Hulk Hogan’s #1 foam-finger, and Yamaguichi-San’s salami slicer.

“Now I gots me somethin’ to wear when I goes to the Wal-Mart,” said 42 year-old Petal, Mississippi native Coralee Dumpkin.

“I’m just waiting for my order to arrive. I’m going to wear the shit out of them,” said preschool teacher Amanda Rubin.

“Usually the crotch wears out on my sweatpants real fast, but these seem to be holding up,” said professional gamer Jimmy St. Croix.

“I’ve never been more comfortable in my life,” said internet commenter B. Strowman.

The success of the sweatpants has already made it on to live shows as crowds have begun chanting “Comfy Owens Comfy” and “Lounge Owens Lounge” during matches.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
17 Responses to "Headlies: Kevin Owens Sweatpants Now WWE’s Best-Selling Item"
  1. John C says:

    Available for pre-order, The Kevin Owens Ice Cream Bar. But when you open the package, it’s gone because he already ate it.

    • Thomas says:

      Empty wrapper comes complete with ice cream residue, cookie crumbs, and Popsicle stick (pre chewed-on).

  2. Raging_Demons says:

    I gots to get me a Yamaguchi Salami Slicer!

  3. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Take my money! (Awesome job as always, Jordan! Very funny and well written!).

  4. Geoff says:

    All his fans must be southern. You’ll notice that all of them had either an Alabama accent or South Georgian drawl.

    • Adam says:

      Dunn had his people only interview southerners, to ‘demonstrate’ that they’re automatically wrong.

  5. Splash Mountain says:

    The new chant inspired me to jot down the following:

    You remind me of the pants
    What pants?
    The pants of Kevin Owen
    Who’s Owen?
    The wrestler with the voodoo
    Who do?
    You do
    Do what?
    Remind me of the pants

    I saw my Owens wrestling hard as he could try
    What could I do?
    His moves were captivating
    But Vince denied this truth
    Of course he’d do!

    What put those magic pants on me
    Kevin Dunn, for merciless “fun”
    Thunder or Lightning, then Owens said:

    Pants, magic pants
    Pants, magic pants
    Put those magic pants on me

    Lounge Owens, lounge!
    Lounge Owens, lounge!
    Put those magic pants on me
    Pin that Ziggler, one-two-three!

    With apologies to David Bowie, Kevin Owens, and anyone who’s actually reading this.

  6. TASWmayhem says:

    Off-topic. While looking to purchase Death of WCW 10th anniversary edition, found on Amazon a book called, “Wrestlecrap: True stories of the World’s Maddest Wrestlers”. I hadn’t heard of this book from RD, so I’m getting it sent. We’ll see how good or bad it is.

    My question is why is it no listed on the website of books that can be purchased?

    • RD Reynolds says:

      Yep, it’s the UK version of the original book. Here’s what I know is different on them:

      – Way, way, WAY more rare than the US version; at one point I think they were going for like $100 on Amazon
      – Different title
      – Different cover art
      – Interior color pictures are replaced by black and white pictures
      – Paper, at least on the ones I have, is much more yellow. Not sure if that is due to them aging worse or what

      Still interesting to think I had a dedicated UK release of it…

      • Philip Hunn says:

        Really? I never saw that version on sale here – I own the original version (although that may be because I ordered it directly from the local bookshop). Unless the actual original version’s cover doesn’t include photos from Wrestlemania IX, that is?

      • TASWmayhem says:

        Well Sir, I did enjoy your first book. I got it used from Amazon for almost $38.00 (it was the last one from this seller). Thanks for the reply

        • RD Reynolds says:

          And I thank you for your support! It is appreciated!

          • TASWmayhem says:

            Least I can do. You took good care of me while I was in Iraq. You sent me an autographed copy of one of your books, so the least I can do (as a vet and also a retired indy worker) is show you some support.

          • TASWmayhem says:

            You also gave me permission to create a Tag Team in Colorado called, “License to Print Money”. Me as The Gold Standard Michael Madoff and my tag team partner was The Diamond Standard Jason Noel

  7. Gabe Benson says:

    doubles as headlies and someone bought this. good job!

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