Headlies: WWE Universe Fired, Replaced By Heyman And Bischoff’s Friends

5 Submitted by on Mon, 08 July 2019, 08:00

Newark, NJ – In a surprise move, WWE officials have future endeavored their entire fanbase, replacing them with the friends of newly hired executive directors Paul Heyman and Eric Bischoff.

The move to replace fans is seen by many as a way to prevent fans from voicing their displeasure.

“Look, last week was great for Raw and Smackdown, but we can do better,” said Bischoff. “If fans of Game Of Thrones don’t like something, they can’t just shout down Jon Snow in the middle of an episode. They just go where all opinions go: the empty void of Twitter. Why should our shows be any different?”

“We need quality control,” said Heyman. “Also, we need lots of cursing and hot babes.”

Die-hard WWE fans were obviously shocked when they heard the news.

“I was all set to go to Raw tonight when I got this certified letter in the mail,” said lifetime fan Sal Devito. “It says, ‘We thank you for your years of service. At this time, your fandom is no longer needed. We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.’ Unbelievable!”

“I was just doing my usual Monday morning ritual,” said Belinda Barkley. “I woke up around 10:30, ate some Pop Tarts straight out of the box, and turned on the Network to watch Holy Foley. I was shocked when a messaged said that my subscription had been cancelled. Now I’ll never know what happens with Noelle and Mick!”

“What am I supposed to do now?” asked Green Shirt Guy. “Talk to people?! Read a book?! Gross!”

Tonight’s Raw live audience will feature Paul Heyman’s extended family, Sign Guy, Hat Guy, Tommy Dreamer, and every woman he has ever talked to on Twitter. Smackdown’s live audience will be completely empty because Bischoff has no friends.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
5 Responses to "Headlies: WWE Universe Fired, Replaced By Heyman And Bischoff’s Friends"
  1. CLS says:

    “They just go where all opinions go: the empty void of Twitter.” Ah yes, the internet’s safe space where only you matters.

    Bischoff and Heyman’s friends must be filthy rich to be the only audience in WWE.

  2. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Vince McMahon met the Smackdown! broadcast with mixed feeling, “I’m delighted to say I didn’t hear one person in the arena booing Roman Reigns, it is now safe to say he is the most popular star in WWE today,” however, his face turned to a frown. “As for Finn Balor, I didn’t hear one person cheer for that guy, he is clearly floundering with the audience and has failed to get across. I think it’s time for him to turn heel…”

  3. Caveman says:

    So that’s why I saw Hogan in the crowd the other night on Smackdown…

  4. Pete says:

    I had already given my notice months ago…

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