Headlies: WWE Signs The Giant

17 Submitted by on Fri, 11 October 2013, 09:00


Tampa, FL – Following the firing of The Big Show, WWE has signed former WCW Heavyweight Champion and nWo member The Giant. Stephanie McMahon introduced the late 90’s star at a press conference near his home in Tampa.

“After we got rid of that dead weight Big Show, the WWE was in desperate for a big man,” said Stephanie McMahon. “I went through my dad’s Rolodex of former wrestlers and picked out a whole bunch that have worked for us in the past. Unfortunately, a lot of them have either, um, passed on or said no, so I had to dig deeper. I had my assistant writers and interns stay up all night going through the archives. I’m happy to say we’ve found our giant. Or to be more precise, The Giant!”

“I’m just happy to be back in the world of professional wrestling,” said the noticeably doughier Giant.

“After I, uh, retired from the WCW in 1999, I quietly settled down, started a family and totally haven’t been wrestling at all. The WWE has always has always treated their big men well, whether it was Akeem or Giant Gonzales or Nathan Jones or Matt Morgan. And of course, we can’t forget my father, Andre the Giant,” said The Giant, his eyes shifting quickly from side to side.

“It was a no-brainer to get The Giant on board,” said McMahon. “We just loved The Giant’s feuds with Loch Ness, Sting, and Kevin Nash and his work rate is just impressive. How often do you see a big man throw drop kicks and jump off the top rope? The Giant can still do all of that and more!”

The Giant laughed uncomfortably as he fixed the obvious long-hair wig on top of his head.

“Well, I’ll do my best,” said the Giant, stroking his goatee. “And if that big nasty knucklehead Big Show tries to go all insano on Triple H again, he’s going going to get hit with the WM…uh, I mean big punchy thing to the face!”

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
17 Responses to "Headlies: WWE Signs The Giant"
  1. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    WWE would love to have 1995 Giant compared to.. well The big Show from.. any time.

  2. Matt Soileau says:

    In related news, we’ll get X-Pac vs 1-2-3 Kid at Mania…

  3. Bender says:

    Captain Insano wasn’t available?

  4. TrenWolfman says:

    What, no Kurrgan? You missed an opportunity to bring the Truth Commision back, McMahon! Only this Truth Commission would probably have featured R-Truth in some capacity. Hmmm…

    Actually, I hear Kurrgan’s doing rather okay playing big, monstrous men in Hollywood, so he may be better off over there.

  5. John says:

    I understand a gentleman named Paul Wight is being considered as well.

  6. Adam Cota says:

    lmao Exactly how I pictured something like this happening…

  7. James says:

    I’d actually like that angle…that they could fire the Big Show, so Paul Wight is going back to his roots cause they didn’t say nothing about the Giant. Get him Kane hair extensions, stat.

  8. THE Jeffry Mason says:

    Dungeon of Doom vs. Truth Commission would be a licensce to print money.

    Also rumor has it that Mr The Giant was hired based mostly on the fact that he was the only one willing to be thrown off a building and job to Cena in the same night.

    Ps. Has the angle where Giant would smoke mid match been inducted yet?

    • Raven7309 says:

      Given the fact that wrestling is a cyclical business, I predict that we’ll see the sumo truck match between Show and Cena in the main event of Wrestlemania 30.

  9. Nick Nutter says:

    Maaaaad scrilla, son.

  10. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    For a time.. albeit a very short time.. in 1995 The Giant was really agile and svelte. The guy could really move fast.

  11. timmy says:

    This reminds me of when vince mcmahon fires hulk hogan and signs ‘mr. America’ a few weeks later

  12. Escape says:

    I don’t remember a “The” in his name. Wasn’t he just introduced as “Giant” back in 96? Also, think about how great a DOD reunion would be! How come they’ve never done a wacky fun-filled “old school” Nitro version of Raw?

    • Jordan Mishkin says:

      They used The Giant and Giant interchangeably. Why? Because WCW.


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