Headlies: WWE Signs Entire New Jersey RAW Crowd To Developmental Deal

5 Submitted by on Wed, 17 April 2013, 10:22


Newark, NJ – Following the lively participation from the crowd the Monday following WrestleMania at RAW, WWE has decided to give the entire audience a developmental contract.

“That crowd was absolutely electric!” exclaimed a pleased Stephanie McMahon. “They were dancing, chanting, and buying lots and lots of overpriced championship belts. They were all anyone could talk about after the show. We got to thinking ‘Why can’t every crowd be like that?’ Well, what better way to guarantee a great audience then by having that very same audience for everyone show!”

The WWE has offered the entire crowd a deal that see the group of thousands sent to Florida Championship Wrestling. “Their enthusiasm and love for the business was abundantly clear,” said Triple H. “They know what they like and they know what they hate. Passionate and opinionated. Obviously, we can’t have any of that, so we’re bringing them down to Florida for ‘seasoning’. We don’t want them cheering for Tugboat or whoever when John Cena is in the ring.” Triple H paused for a second, reflecting on the events from Monday night. “Actually, chanting ‘Randy Savage’ while Randy Orton was in the ring was pretty great. He cried for a good twenty minutes backstage.”

Matt Kulper, a fan that was in the now-legendary crowd, spoke fondly of the night. “That was the greatest night of my life. Seriously. Better than marrying my wife, better than the birth of my child. I can’t wait to go down to Florida and show them what I can do. I can’t wait to start a Bad News Brown chant.”

Another fan, Ezra Schwartz, has been constantly talking about the crowd since Monday night, much to the chagrin of his family and coworkers. “Dude, I haven’t taken off my CM Punk shirt in days. It smells of beer, sweat, and awesomeness. I popped so loud when Ziggler won. I’m pretty sure they’re going to give me an important role in FCW.”

Fan Giancarlo Dittamo, who has now resorted to singing Fandago’s theme song as his only form of communication with the outside world, said “Da-da…da da da da da!”

“I see a lot of potential in the group,” said Triple H. “Like that fat guy in the CM Punk shirt with the neckbeard. That guy is great. And that 39-year old man wearing a replica Intercontinental belt. Wow, that guy is gold! Of course, we’ll have to put in some women we’ve been training as divas and a few bodybuilder guys. I mean, we can’t have our fans actually looking like our fans, now can we?”

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
5 Responses to "Headlies: WWE Signs Entire New Jersey RAW Crowd To Developmental Deal"
  1. Raven7309 says:

    Sending the crowd down to FCW for “seasoning?” Absolutely frickin brilliant!!! The absolute best headlies I have ever read. Kudos Jordan, kudos.
    Although you do have to wonder if WWE made the attempt to locate as many of audience members from the old ECW arena and bring them in as well. 😛

  2. Madman MadmanM Szalinski says:

    I’m still waiting for “WHAT’S AIR HORN GUY DOING IN THE IMPACT ZONE?”

  3. Walt says:

    Sometimes this site takes stinging jabs at the crap in wrestling, that headlie was a mean right hook, I loved it.

  4. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Ha! Very good! Nicely done, Jordan.

  5. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Remember the night when Vince hired us all just so he could fire us? heh.

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