Photoshoppery by RD Reynolds

Des Moines, IA – During this week’s edition of Smackdown, WWE announced that they are releasing a brand new DVD entitled “The Self-Destruction of CM Punk”. The release comes as a surprise as there had been no previous mentions of the DVD being written, filmed, produced, and shipped to stores.

“I admit the turn-around was quick, but we here at the WWE want to give the fans what we, I mean they, want,” said Triple H. “The DVD will show CM Punk at his most vulnerable: from his humble beginnings wrestling in pissy high school gyms in Mississippi to his boring and pointless run as World Heavyweight Champion. It’s all in there!”

Punk, who recently quit the company, was not interviewed for the DVD. Instead, the WWE relied on “those who know him best as handpicked by Triple H himself” to give their perspective on his tumultuous career. Interviewees include Triple H, Stephanie McMahon, Kevin Dunn, Brooklyn Brawler, Batista, Teddy Hart, and Elijah Burke. Several of Punk’s matches will also appear on the DVD, including his feud with Mike Knox over Kelly Kelly, losing his title to JBL on Raw, and all his matches against Ryback.

“We’ll have plenty of stuff from his OVW days,” said Triple H. “Lots of shots of him when he tried to bulk up and wore eyeliner. Lots. I really want the WWE Universe to see how high Punk rose and how far he fell. Stupid skinny fat-ass.”

Chapter titles include “Yeah, He Wrestled In CZW”, “Only Internet Geeks Care About Colt Cabana”, “It’s Your Own Fault Creative Has Nothing For You” and “Beth Phoenix? Really?”

The DVD will be available in all retail locations and streaming on Netflix, Hulu, Amazon and the new WWE Network. It will also be included in all copies of Triple H: Thy Kingdom Come and The Complete History of the XFL 10-disc box set.