Headlies: WWE Opens A Haunted House

13 Submitted by on Mon, 26 October 2015, 08:00


Armonk, NY– WWE announced their latest venture outside of professional wrestling with the grand opening of the official WWE Haunted House at the Armonk Halloween Spooktacular and Pie-Eating Contest.

WWE CEO Vince McMahon was on hand at the opening of the haunted house. Dressed in pinstripes, McMahon barked at passers-by, saying “Step right up, folks! Step right up! See the most shocking, blood-curdling, thrilling, exciting, and death-defying haunted house in all of the greater Greenwich, Connecticut suburban area!”

The amusement has various attractions that contain a unique WWE twist. On the first floor, people must traverse the terrifying process of having your indie wrestling credentials destroyed as you’re given a new WWE-approved name. People are given “Hi My Name Is” stickers with hand-written generic and uninspired names such as “Chad Greg”, “Gina Love”, “Chuck Berger” and “Todd”.

In the foyer, fans can look into the spooky “Mirror of Future Gimmicks” where they can see how they will be portrayed on television. Beyond the mirror lies “The Hallway of Creative Has Nothing For You”. Several members of WWE’s writing staff line the hallway, simply shrugging in your general direction as you walk by. The main stairway to the second floor will turn into a slide at random times, mimicking the difficulty of WWE Superstars ascending to the next level. There are also several trap doors in the house meant to mimic WWE’s ratings plunge.

People must reach for the elusive set of brass rings dangling from the ceiling in order to reach the upper floor. Once there, they must endure deafening boos and annoying chants of incredulous fans. Following that nightmare, they must proceed through the “Bathroom of Stupid Things Posted On Social Media” and on to the final room: a small theater showing back-to-back viewings of Halloween Havoc 1991 and Halloween Havoc 1998. Those brave enough to survive the horrors of the WWE Haunted House will receive a free 3-month subscription to the WWE Network and your choice of a WrestleMania 31 Jailbird Work Shirt or a Naomi ponytail hat.

So far, no one has been able to complete the haunted house, though Dixie Carter has tried several times stating, “I just want that dang hat so much!”

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
13 Responses to "Headlies: WWE Opens A Haunted House"
  1. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    It’s frightening how funny this is!

  2. RD Reynolds says:

    Big fan of “The Hallway of Creative Has Nothing For You.”

  3. Al says:

    The scariest part of the attraction has to be when Grave Cena buries you over and over as you desperately attempt to escape the midcard. That, or the Crypt of Future Endeavors, where spirits of fired superstars continue to haunt you with eerie chants such as “Hogan” and “CM Punk.”

  4. Barronmore says:

    You know, i keep tellng myself i’m gonna watch Halloween Havok for my Halloween Movie Marathon one of these years and i’ve still not done it…shame…shame on me.

    I mean…I survived being a wrestling fan in ’93 – ’94 and i even watched the dying days of WCW (and somehow thought it was good!) Seriously, after that much ‘training’ how bad can HH really be? 🙂

  5. GeneMean says:

    Legend says that when the moon shines bright and the midnight wind is still, you might very well catch a glimpse of the fabled Funaki scuttering about the rafters.

  6. Geoff says:

    This has to be the best ever. This should really be an attraction at a 6 Flags or Universal Studios somewhere in LA or Florida. The moral of the story going through: nobody ever says when I grow up I want to be a professional wrestler.

  7. Jeremy says:

    One of the best Headlies yet. Absolutely hysterical.

  8. John C says:

    “Enter the room of WWECW bad gimmicks, Kevin Thorn will be your guide.”

  9. Jimbolian says:

    Armonk is in New York dude. How do I know?

    I work there; I’ll be the seventh of 83 Doink the Clowns during your Haunted House walkthrough.

  10. MistaMaddog says:

    I actually listened to haunted house sounds while reading this, but this has to be the scariest thing the new talent will hear… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHUIs-D5ATM

  11. EWA Beach Boy says:

    Do customers get handed cards wishing them luck in all their future endevors when the exit the haunted house?

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