Headlies: WWE Network Acquires CZW Library, Announces Premium Subscription Tier

6 Submitted by on Wed, 26 October 2016, 12:00


This Headlie was written by crapper Paul Sebert. Thanks Paul!

Stanford, CT – Facing new streaming competition from Flo Slam, New Japan World, Highspots, and Chikaratopia, the WWE has taken a proactive approach to adding new content to the WWE Network. Yesterday, a landmark video streaming deal was struck between the WWE and Philadelphia-based independent promotion CZW.

“We’ve listened to the voices of you, the WWE Universe, and we will give you exactly what you want, said Triple H during a press conference. “Tournament of Death 2016. Cage of Death XIV. Night Of Infamy 2006. These are just some of the god-awful CZW shows made during this century. Tragically, the video for wrestling shows like these are not deteriorating fast enough. For just $12.95 a month, not only will you get all the incredible live shows and original content that the WWE Network is known for, but you can also help us delete the entire CZW library. This will allow the archived matches of Nick Gage, MASADA, and others die a gentle, natural death. We will use the proceeds of this premium tier to transfer the videos to a volatile silver nitrate film stock so that they’ll rot quickly into nature’s compost.”

“This situation is serious,” continued Triple H. “How often have you scoured the internet for an A.R. Fox or Drew Gulak match only to stumble  upon Matt Tremont bleeding in a pumpkin patch? If you don’t act now the entire career of D.J. Hyde might be available for our children and grandchildren to view. Heck, we may just show some of this stuff on the Network just so people know that it doesn’t compare to the incredible and always-entertaining WWE product!”

“This is a savy move by WWE,” wrote Between The Sheets podcast host and Figure Four Weekly writer David Bixenspan. “There’s a whole subset of hardcore fans who would hesitate to subscribe to the network, but would gladly pay for the luxury of never seeing CZW again.”

Not everyone is happy about the new move.

“JEEEEEEEEEEEE-ZZZZUSSSSSSS!!!” yelled CZW founder John Zandig

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
6 Responses to "Headlies: WWE Network Acquires CZW Library, Announces Premium Subscription Tier"
  1. John C says:

    I would like to pledge my old CZW videotapes to this worthy cause of not watching them again.

  2. DarthPitch says:

    You lifted most of Trip’s speech verbatim from Crow T. Robot’s “Film Anti-Preservation Society” skit, didn’t you?

    Bravo, well done, five stars!

  3. whorefinder says:

    After he finished his prepared remarks, a lone hand shot up form the assembled press. Mr. McMahon’s son-in-law pointed at the reporter, allowing him to speak.

    “So do you have any other plans to do this for any other recordings you own?”

    “What do you mean?” asked a confused Triple H, licking his sledgehammer in a terribly too-turned on manner, although at first finding it difficult due to his seven-foot nose being in the way.

    “Well, the live YouTube stream for this conference just had about 5000 comment asking if they could pay double to have your entire crap wrestling history and title reigns committed to ‘ volatile silver nitrate film stock.\'”

    Enraged, Mr. McMahon’s son-in-law leaped from the dais and swung his precious sledgehammer at the reporter. Unfortunately for the banana-nosed Chyna lover, his swing was as bad as all of his other wrestling moves, and the blow barely grazed the reporter.

    “So, what about it?,” continued the unfazed reporter, staring at the livestream on his phone and ignoring the tears streaming down Triple H’s. “The bidding price just went up, the commentators are now offering triple the amount to delete you rom the history of pro-wrestling, but only if that includes deleting your tranny lover, Chyna, from it as well. Some are even calling it ‘1984, the Utopian Edition.\'”

    Triple H ran from the room crying, yelling for his father-in-law to do something about those mean baddies making him feel bad.

  4. CF says:

    CZW’s not *that* bad… I mean, it isn’t like they ever employed Vince Russo…. >;)

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