Headlies: WWE Forces Jerry Lawler to Shill For The Heart Attack Grill

20 Submitted by on Thu, 02 May 2013, 10:00


Las Vegas, NV – During a meeting of top WWE officials, Vince McMahon announced a new partnership with the Heart Attack Grill fast food restaurant. He also plans to have WWE Hall of Famer Jerry “The King” Lawler as their official spokesman.

“It’s all about synergy!” said Vince McMahon. “Nothing says “Wrestling Entertainment” like fast food. Over the past few weeks, we’ve had great on-air promotions for both Sonic and Dominoes. They’ve helped our bottom line and provided our fans with the salty and fatty foods they crave. Jerry, you’ve done a great job putting this stuff over and we’d like you to do the same for Heart Attack Grill.”

“Please, Vince. I really don’t want to do this,” said Lawler. “I’m still in recovery. Can’t I just go back to oogling barely-clad Divas? I’m way more comfortable screaming about ‘puppies’ than popcorn chicken. This sounds like a rib on me for having heart problems.”

“Absolutely not, King!” said McMahon. “Why would I want to punish you for almost dying on live television when I specifically told you to laugh at John Cena’s jokes?”

“I guess,” said a wary Lawler. “Alright, what exactly do you want me to do?”

McMahon exclaimed “It’s going to be great! We’re going to have the Bella Twins dressed as nurses and have them bring you out the Quadruple Bypass Burger, Flatliner Fries, which are cooked in lard, a chocolate Butter-Fat shake, and a can of Jolt Cola. You’ll take a few bites and tease clutching your chest. It’ll be hilarious!”

“Ok, now I knowthis is just a rib on me. I can’t have all of that beef, cheese, and bacon, Vince. Do I really have to eat it? Don’t they have a salad or something?” said an exasperated Lawler.

“Ketchup is a vegetable. You’ll be fine,” dismissed McMahon.

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
20 Responses to "Headlies: WWE Forces Jerry Lawler to Shill For The Heart Attack Grill"
  1. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    You know, this sounds exactly like something they really would do.

  2. Raven7309 says:

    Given the fact that WWE packaged Pierre-Carl Oulette as “Jean-Pierre Lafitte”, evil pirate, complete with eyepatch, which Oulette wears in real life because he lost his eye, I’m not that surprised.

  3. RD Reynolds says:

    Totally stealing “Ketchup is a vegetable” at lunch today with Mrs. Deal.

  4. Emerson Witner says:

    If King is lucky they will deliver his food to the fans again

  5. CarlMarksGuy says:

    ‘said Vince McMahon. “Nothing says “Wrestling Entertainment” like fast food.’

    I think you broke Headlie Kayfabe by implying Vince would say “WRESTLING Entertainment” instead of “Sports Entertainment” :O

    That being said, fasten your seat-championships for a “Santino Steals King’s Sandwich” Rematch: They Tried to Steal It With a Forklift.

  6. DownWithOPC says:

    There’s this burger joint near me called Bronco Burger, I think of 2 things when I pass by it:

    1. X-Pac
    2. OJ Simpson

    • Raven7309 says:

      Does this mean that whenever I pass by Taco Bell I can think of XPac?

    • RD Reynolds says:

      After what happened to Waltman recently, I’d never want to think of “Bronco” in that term again.

      Especially not in regards to a burger.

  7. John says:

    VINCE: “And then Jerry I’ll come and wrestle Brock Lesnar, Mark Henry & CM Punk in a handicap match to show everyone even though I’m older than you I am still more powerful than you. HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Get it.”

  8. P. Sultzbaugh says:

    I’ve been to the Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas and SURVIVED the Quadruple Bypass Burger. Let’s just have all the Divas dress in the nurse uniforms. If you have Jerry eating the burger, you should have Dr. Isaac Yankem serving the food.

    • "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

      How was the burger?

      • P. Sultzbaugh a.k.a. Budsgrand says:

        The Quadruple Bypass that I had was a four pattie, bacon cheesebuger. When I say bacon I’m talking 20 small slices. The french fries, supposedly cooked in lard, were delicious! The resteraunt itself fun to be at. I give The Heart Attack Grill credit for telling us up front how bad their food could be for us. Imagine if other restaraunts did that. Imagine if Taz or Michael Cole gave us warning of how bad a character or stroyline might be, before it debuts.

  9. Bone White says:

    Many a word said in jest…………………

  10. 80's Guy says:

    This was so funny, yet also disturbing at the same time, since it’s totally how I picture Vince McMahon acting in real life…

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