Headlies: WWE Creative Members Take Part In Battle Royale To Determine Wrestlemania Storylines

8 Submitted by on Mon, 27 February 2017, 08:00

Stanford, CT – WWE now has a clear picture of what the main storyline into Wrestlemania thanks to an impromptu battle royale among the writing staff.

The violent melee took place following the Raw writing crew’s weekly meeting. After rapping up the plans for this evening’s Monday Night Raw, WWE CEO Vince McMahon addressed his writers.

“Now is the time for my entertainment!” said McMahon atop his makeshift throne made of gold-plated wrestling boots and broken dreams. “Security! Bring in the implements of pain and lock the doors!”

McMahon sipped mead from a skull-shaped goblet, clapped his hands, and said, “Fight for your Wrestlemania ideas! Fight for your notoriety! Fight for the entertainment of your king! Commence the battle royale!”

After several seconds of confusion, the writers began attacking each other. Chairs, laptops, and spiral notebooks, were used both offensively and defensively. McMahon laughed heartily at the carnage before him. After 30 agonizing minutes in which several writers were severely injured, a winner emerged.

24 year old Writing Assistant Ben Greenberg claimed victory after jamming a pencil in his co-workers forehead and throwing him out of a window.

“Congratulations, pal!” said McMahon. “You have curried favor with me. Now, please share with us your ideas for Wrestlemania!”

Elated, Greenberg began his idea, “Well, we have Cesaro…”

“Next!” shouted McMahon.

Greenberg quickly tried to come up with another idea, “Ummm, okay, well, uh, Sami Zayn and Samoa Joe…”

“Next!” shouted McMahon again.

Rattled, Greenberg quickly blurted out, “Randy Orton and Bray Wyatt each have Wrestlemania entrances that take an hour long and then Roman Reigns becomes champion somehow!”

“I love it! Way to go pal! People are going to remember this Wrestlemania for the rest of their lives!” said McMahon proudly.


Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
8 Responses to "Headlies: WWE Creative Members Take Part In Battle Royale To Determine Wrestlemania Storylines"
  1. John C says:

    “Look, pal all you have to do now is somehow involve a incestuous storyline, mention my grapefruits, bury all the smartmarks heroes, have Sting be made to look like a total loser again, script an epic speech for Stephaine to use before Hunter’s entrance, also include midgets somewhere, make an explosion fit in to anything during the show and again I can’t repeat it enough make Roman Reigns look like a….GOD!!!!!!!!!”

    Sadly Mr. Greenberg plunged the pencil into his ear drums and dove out the nearest and highest windows available.

  2. Dr.Gonzo says:



    • Sgt. Tubs says:

      That’s not the only error. ‘Amongst’ appears to have been autocorrected to ‘ångström’ (a unit of length named after a Swede). The article then states that Vince McMahon delivered the plans for Raw to his crew in the form of a rap. Here’s a later sentence, but punctuated properly:

      “24-year-old writing assistant Ben Greenberg claimed victory after jamming a pencil in his co-worker’s forehead and throwing him out of a window.”

      I’m not sorry. When a story is written this poorly, it takes me out of it and spoils what could be an otherwise good joke.

  3. Geoff says:

    Because auto correct sucks.

    And the last we saw Mr. Greenburg he was living comfortably in a padded cell adorned with a lot of staff in white covered in a white wrap around jacket. He is apparently not taking any calls from friends, reporters, or staff from WWE.

  4. CF says:

    [FX: piped-in voices]



  5. MistaMaddog says:

    Wow, guess that WWF “Get It” ad for the Super Bowl is still true…

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