Headlies: WWE Announces Return Of “Bash At The Beach” At Martha’s Vineyard

13 Submitted by on Mon, 12 December 2016, 08:00


(Today’s Headlie was written by Chris French. Thanks Chris!)

Stamford, CT — WWE will be restarting an old WCW tradition, the “Bash At The Beach”, in 2017, Vince McMahon announced today.

The 2017 Bash will be held on Martha’s Vineyard, at the Joseph Sylvia State Beach in Edgartown, MA, on July 2, 2017.

Standing outside the Edgartown, MA, Town Hall, with Mayor Larry Vaughn, McMahon announced that not only would the Bash be at the beach, but that the ring itself would be located on the water, with swimming spaces and floating grandstands for the audience surrounding it.

“WCW had a fine idea with ‘Bash At The Beach'”, McMahon said, “but they failed to take it to its logical conclusion. Now that the event is under WWE auspices, we can put it on the open ocean, where it was meant to be.”

McMahon also previewed the list of matches scheduled, including the grand finale, a 20-man “Hardcore Rules” match where the ring ropes will be wrapped in barbed wire. “When salt water gets to open wounds, then we’ll see who the hardest of the hardcore really is,” McMahon said.

Some concerns have been raised about the safety of the match. Dr. Matt Hooper of Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute believes all the splashing about will have an unfortunate effect on local sea life. “All those people splashing around create the same signals as an injured or sickly fish, and we all know what that signals,” he said.

Local police chief Martin Brody allowed as how “there’s only two cops in town — myself, and a deputy; meanwhile, people will be coming in from all over the Eastern Seaboard.”

McMahon laughed off these concerns. “The Vineyard is a summer isle — they need the summer dollars. We’ll be pulling those dollars in for them,” he said, smiling his famous toothy grin.

When asked for comment, WCW legend Ric Flair yelled, “The Nature Boy is gunna bag him some hot-to-trot mermaids at Bash At The Beach and show those sexy fish-ladies what it means to ride Sand Dune Mountain! Woooooooo!”

Tickets for the 2017 Bash will be on sale at 513 N Rd. Chilmark, Ma. 02535; or call 1-800-529-7733.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
13 Responses to "Headlies: WWE Announces Return Of “Bash At The Beach” At Martha’s Vineyard"
  1. Jay says:

    Matt Hooper and Martin Brody! When Shark Boy makes his entrance, Martin’s only advice was “Smile you son of a BITCH!”

  2. Geoff says:

    They should bring back Kerry Von Erick, aka Texas Tornado, and put him in a match with Shark Boy and theme the match: Sharknado: Last Man Standing

  3. John C says:

    I feel really gill-ty about being so buoyed with excitement over this. With barbed wire involved it should lead to a great finish. It should be a jaws dropping conclusion when the combatants batter each other with a clear porpoise. With 20 people in a match at the same time they may need a bigger ring.

  4. Geoff says:

    That last joke was all wet.

    • John C says:

      I probably bit off more than I could chew in trying to make a big splash. I’m always looking for a seal of approval instead of sinking too low. An elderly fisherman who is very ill wants to attend the show and John Cena is granting his Mako Wish dream to go. Now they are best chums.

  5. John Q Occupier says:

    I’m sure everyone involved will have a WHALE of a time…

  6. CF says:

    What worries me is: Someone at SyFy or The Asylum will read this, and we get the first WWE Films/Asylum cross-promotion film, _Wrestling With Sharks_…. 🙂

  7. Geoff says:

    Let’s dive in and take a look. When we resurface we can worry about it then. Actually wrestling with sharks isn’t a bad idea. It would get rid of a lot of the deadwood on the roster.

  8. Mav says:

    Nice work bringing in Jaws. Such a great book/film.

    Maybe Ed Leslie will pop in as the Mariner.

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