Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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WWE ALL-STARS LIKENESS OF HULK HOGAN TESTS POSITIVE FOR HGH
By Justin Henry
San Diego, CA – THQ Headquarters has been rocked by scandal this week, as the digital likeness of Hulk Hogan, a prominent playable character on WWE All-Stars, released for several consoles last month, has allegedly failed a test for human growth hormone.
Hogan, along with several other cartoon renderings of WWE mainstays past and present, has come under fire for his comically-absurd musculature.
“We had our suspicions that digital Hogan was, well, “using”,” said THQ developer Rennie Charleston. “However, we had deadlines to meet, and you can’t prohibit a character from being on your game without having concrete evidence. His blood test results were pending, so we had to go forward, hoping that this wouldn’t come back and bite us.”
Digital Hogan has already filed an appeal for a retest, through his attorney, digital Henry Holmes.
This isn’t the first time that WWE has come under fire for having its digital performers fail tests. The most infamous case was in 1993, when a digital likeness of Tatanka, featured on the Super Nintendo version of WWF Royal Rumble, flunked a test for anabolic steroids. As a result, the Native Digital American was pulled from the Sega Genesis version, slated for an autumn release. Digital Tatanka was replaced by digital Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
“I was in the midst of my all lettuce-and-water diet,” claims digital Duggan. “I was looking positively svelte, so they inserted me onto the game. I think (Vince) McMahon was so paranoid about the Zahorian thing, that he was even safeguarding video games from having characters with ill-gotten physiques.”
While there had been an outpouring of ridicule over the digital renderings and their body types, a number of these athletes have fired back, claiming double standards.
“Real fans want bigger, so we give them bigger,” said digital NBA legend Tim Hardaway, who appeared on the arcade classic NBA Jam. “Those cheat codes that allowed players to have oversized heads, to be able to jump 700 feet in the air, and to throw opponents around like they were Chris Brown groupies, that’s what real fans crave. Then they get upset when they see digital Hulk Hogan lumbering around with 38” arms. People are such hypocrites.”
Meanwhile, Nintendo’s famed pizza-chomping plumber has spoken out on the controversy, as he was once embroiled in controversy himself.
“It was the HGM’s; the human growth mushrooms,” said an indignant Mario Mario. “Kids of the 1980s were so happy to have me consume one, just so that I could grow to be twice my usual size, and then stomp on goombas and Koopa Kids. Now they’re part of this drug-free, DIY culture that feigns outrage when digital Hulk Hogan shoots up with HGH. He needs it to slam digital Andre the Giant, so you can relive your happy memories! Let the man shoot up! Let him find digital Superstar Billy Graham in the guarded bathroom stall so that they can take care of business!”
If digital Hogan exhausts all appeals, he be suspended from WWE’s next video game, “WWE: Legends of Nerve Damage and Exploding Tendons.”
RONNIE GARVIN FELLS WOULD-BE ROBBER WITH HANDS OF STONE, GARVIN STOMP
By Justin Henry
Gaston County, NC – Breaking into a home is risky. Breaking into the home of a civic officer or athlete can put you in the fight of your life.
Breaking into the home of former wrestler “Rugged” Ronnie Garvin? That nets you a unique beating.
The 65 year old recently had his area residence allegedly broken into by 21 year old Samuel Marrisaw, a local mechanic. According to police documents, Marrisaw broke into the residence via an unlocked sliding door on the patio. The alleged assailant believed nobody was home at the time, but Garvin was at that moment working on restoring antiques in his basement.
“I heard the commotion, and I immediately called the police,” said Garvin’s neighbor, 48 year old Nora Pagnelli. “I worked up the courage to peek through the window to see if Mr. Garvin was alright, but there he was, stomping on this guy’s shin, then his thigh….”
Indeed, Garvin clearly had the upper hand on Marrisaw, who was even wielding a pry bar.
“It’s an interesting way that it all apparently went down,” said Deputy Joseph Breirton. “According to Mr. Garvin, he ducked a swipe from the weapon, knocked Marrisaw out with one punch. Then, to make sure there was no chance that he was getting up, he began stomping all of his limbs in rhythmic fashion, ending with a definitive stomp to the face. By the time we arrived, he was grapevining Marrisaw’s legs and trying to turn him onto his stomach for what appeared to be some kind of subduing lock.”
Marrisaw has been charged with criminal trespass and unlawful entry. He also has an outstanding warrant for failure to appear.
“I misjudged Mr. Garvin; he really is a great man to have in the neighborhood,” said Pagnelli. “When he moved in, he liked to dress in gawdy drag and refer to himself as “Atlanta”. I preferred to keep the children away from him, but I guess that’s just normal behavior for a former wrestler. Also, he’s introduced his stepson Jimmy to us as his brother, which kind of made no sense, but whatever. He’s a kind soul, after all.”