Headlies: Wrestlemania 32 Attendance Number Leaks Early

7 Submitted by on Sat, 26 March 2016, 08:00


West Hollywood, CA – An official document promoting Wrestlemania 32’s record-setting attendance has leaked online despite the event not taking place for another week.

Ryan Satin, Founder and Editor-In-Chief of ProWrestlingSheet.com, is reporting that WWE will be touting a new attendance record of “10 Cajillion people” at the event in Dallas.

“It’s no secret that WWE has been pushing hard to break their supposed attendance record of 93,173 set at Wrestlemania III,” said Satin from his solid gold boat. “There was a lot of speculation about how they were going to do it. Increased seating on the floor, obstructed seats, standing-room tickets. All of those things would increase the number. We’d expect the office to fudge the numbers a little bit. We didn’t think they’d just make up a number.”

“Sources with direct knowledge confirm this memo is 100% valid,” said Satin, surrounded by piles of money and many beautiful women. “It has all the hallmarks of being written by Vince McMahon. Lots of swears, numerous instances of addressing people as ‘pal’, and various other made-up words. For example, the letter refers to Roman Reigns as possessing ‘muscleosity’ and The Undertaker as ‘grimvil’. I think that’s a combination of grim and evil, but I’m not positive.”

WWE officials have denied any knowledge of the memo or the “10 Cajillion” number.  McMahon himself addressed the report saying, “That’s absolutely ridiculable. I’m a cabillionaire for crying out loud. I don’t need to miscommunitize numbers. Wrestlemania 32 will be the biggest, must spectaulastic event in WWE history!”

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
7 Responses to "Headlies: Wrestlemania 32 Attendance Number Leaks Early"
  1. John C says:

    “This’ll be even bigger than my grapefruits damnit!!! And they’re feeling extra orgasmatrific today. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to get a hold of The Brooklyn Brawler, Techno Team 2000, The Red Rooster and Outback Jack to have enough people to fill out the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. Get them on the phone prontomediatly.”

  2. Geoff says:

    Extra reporter, Mario Lopez looked into the matter of the use of words like Cajillion and orgasmatrific and then looked at Vince’s doctor’s report. It was reported that Vince had several small strokes, a heart attack and a death,was revived and now words like miscommunitize and specutastic are more frequently words of choice. The funeral was a private affair consisting of Linda, Vince, and Shane. Shane was quoted as saying: “My father is a fighter but he was always so dead inside. I guess this proves it. Now we just have to revitalize his heart and bring him to life again (his cackle only reached the 35 minute mark)

    Vince (from the casket): I’m alive you fool, don’t discommunicize to the mediacrity. (Shane rolls his eyes)

    Shane: Dad, get back in the casket and be dead.

    Vince then gets out of the casket and consols a grieving Linda. Stephanie and Triple H suddenly storm in. She goes right up her father.

    Steph: How dare you have a heart attack and die on me and come back revived without telling me. That wasn’t in the planned script.

    Triple H: Sorry dad, Steph and I talked it over. YOU”RE FIRE RE RE RE D!

    Announcer: The full story tonight on Extra at 7PM PST

  3. Thomas says:

    Bryan Alvarez is going to be pissed that someone bought the sold gold host out from under him.

  4. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Hilarious! Nicely done, Jordan!

  5. Gotchism For Life says:

    This reminds me of that prison inmate character Damon Wayans portrayed on “In Living Color.”

  6. Thomas Moffatt says:

    WWE regrets to inform all involved that one of those cajillion in attendance will be Nipple H.

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