0 Submitted by on Thu, 27 December 2012, 11:44

Text by Justin Henry and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here

By Justin Henry

Pittsburgh, PA – March 24, 2011 marked the twenty year anniversary of the beginning of a WrestleMania streak that has yet to be compromised, and is still talked about in reverent tones with every passing year.

Come spring time, fans of all ages speak of whether or not this will be the year the streak ends, and who, if anyone, can be the one to shatter it.

Mike Jones, professionally known as Virgil, defeated “The Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase at WrestleMania VII as a result of a count out. One year later, Virgil led a team with Hacksaw Jim Duggan, the Big Bossman, and Sgt. Slaughter to victory over The Nasty Boys, The Mountie, and Repo Man when he pinned Brian Knobs.

With his streak sitting at 2-0 for almost a decade, it appears that no man is willing to step up and pull the sword from the stone.

“Every year, I wait by my phone, but I guess nobody’s man enough,” said Virgil, at a recent independent event where he was in the semi-main event with some nobody called “Super Chico”. “I figure maybe Undertaker and I can go one on one, because there’s some history there. We’re both undefeated at WrestleMania, and we were both brought into WWE by Dibiase, so you’d think that would get played up. But no, nothing. Are they afraid I might injure Undertaker, or somehow upstage him? Nobody’s saying I would, but nobody’s saying I wouldn’t, either.”

Virgil went on to explain that, for years, he’s hounded WWE Chairman Vince McMahon with ideas on how he, and his streak, could be properly utilized at WrestleMania.

“I remember that one WrestleMania in Chicago, the whole World Title scene was chaos, because Shawn Michaels busted his knee and Diesel wasn’t there to kiss his boo-boo, so I volunteered to step in. I said “Let ME face Sid, because there’s history here!” Remember, back in ’92, when Sid turned heel and was knocking guys off of stretchers? He broke my nose and then injured me after a match. Virgil’s revenge! Talk about a concept that sells itself! I thought Sid and I were going to headline Wembley that summer, but he backs out, because he knows I’ll make him look bad in England. That’s why he stabbed Arn Anderson. The ghosts of Virgil torment him across the ocean.”

Virgil’s short-lived 2010 comeback, he believes, was supposed to set something up for WrestleMania 27 in Atlanta, but, again, it wasn’t meant to be.

“They spent the summer looking for a homely chick to put in a six person tag with Trish Stratus and that Eric Clapton wannabe, and they settle on Snooki. Little does anybody know that Vince wanted to give Virgilina “her” time to shine. That’s right, Virgilina was supposed to end up having a cat fight with Vickie Guerrero in front of the world. But no, they scrapped that. Why? Politics, I’m guessing. Plus I think Tyler Perry’s paying off Vince, since I filed an injunction over his ‘creation’ of Madea. I’ll show HIM a diary of a mad black woman!”

Virgil then worked his match with Super Chico, which Chico later declared to be “MINUS! FIVE! STARS!”

The Match that Could Have Should Have Been


By Justin Henry

Stamford, CT – A recent inventory of WWE’s production studios has yielded a rather interesting discovery, two decades in the making.

Staffers have found an old cassette tape labeled “DISS”, which they then played out of curiosity.

And what a curiosity it was.

“The tape appears to be WWE’s music producer, Jim Johnston, rapping out frustrations from some time in the late 1980s,” said a WWE staffer who spoke on condition of confidentiality. “It’s similar to the ‘diss tapes’ that rappers record, and then allow to circulate in order to draw attention to their feuds. It seemed as if Johnston had quite the feud in mind as well.”

Johnston, upon interviewing, confirmed that he made the tape around August 1989, after he became frustrated with the company’s direction.

“What can I say? I felt entitled to my anger and I vented it the only way an artist knows how,” said the Ichabod Crane-looking musician. “Late one night in the studio, after we finished recording Zeus’ generic theme song that was hardly ever used, I took that inane beat and began spewing venom on top of it. One of the sound engineers egged me on, so I just kept kicking it. I think it speaks for itself.”

Johnston began the tape with an acid-laced intro, directed at WWE honcho Vince McMahon:

“Vince, Vinnie, I might sound ill, but don’t be sending me yo doctor. He’s going up the river, and he ain’t got no paddle. What are your boys gonna do without Doctor Z? They’re gonna shrink like dying plants, cuz they ain’t got their water. But me? I’m growing because I got the light on me. I see the light, the light you hid away with everyone’s rippled biceps. The muscles are dying, the light is shining, and the truth is visible. And if you can’t see it, open your eyes. I’ll hit ‘cha with the heavy truth!”

From there, Johnston spit out rhymes like the following:

“No Holds Barred, movie’s burnt and charred / stuck in limbo like Rockers in the midcard”

“Future’s broken like the arm of Bob Orton / Word is Vince is a ladies’ man, the white Willie Horton”

“Split the Harts and give Hitman his right / Just don’t let em break like you did Dynamite”

“Drugs backstage, who’ll report it? / You draw the line, Blanchard’ll snort it”

“American Dream, let the burial begin / Guess you don’t want dem Southern fans tunin’ in”

“I say what I want without taking a bump / And I’ll sue because Terry Garvin touched my rump!”

But the most telling portion of Johnston’s raw, Eminem-lite routine was his closing stanza, which was a direct shot to McMahon and the rest of the power structure.

“All the kings horses and all the kings men / won’t be able to put V-Mac back together again
Uprising’s coming, you can’t weather the storm / Face it dude, Warrior just ain’t champion form Windham wants out and you already friggin’ lost Owen / and for his push, just who is Bravo blowin’? The company sucks, in case you’re a slow learner / Give me my release so I can write songs for Turner
Sting is king, and Hogan’s a pauper / Vinnie, you outdated freak, go bring back Cyndi Lauper!
But the end is near, and we all feel it / it’s like your track marks, Vince, you can’t conceal it
Rats will abandon your sinking ship / Especially Bad News when he sees he’s bein’ gypped
You’ll die broke on Cape Cod beaches / While I be thriving on juicy Atlanta peaches!”

When asked about those last lines, Jim Johnston said the following:

“Errr….uh, that wasn’t me. That may have been Gary.”

By Justin Henry

Colowado Spwings – Former WWE Thupersthar Bobby Washwey fineth himthelf on the verge of gweatnith, ever thinth weaving WWE in 2007.

“My fighting caweel ith taking oth,” said Washwey, wike a big boy without an interpweter. “After a year and a hath of building my confidinth in WWE, I used my newthound media image to elevate my pwofile as a fighter who should be taken seriouswy.”

The former Awmy wanger-turned-cowegiate champion debuted in WWE in 2005, dwawing compawisons to Bwock Wesnar, another former amathur champion who went on to big thingth as champion.

“Wesnar was definawee the tempwate for what I thet out to do,” continued Washwey. “It fwattered me to no end to hear fanth talk about our simuhwarities. If I could accompwish even hath of what Wesnar hath done during his illwustrious cawheer, then I’ll white off the whole thing ath a win. Heeth made a wot of money, wots of cath, in the UFC, and that waises the bar for amathur champions wise myselth.”

“Washwey had a high pwofile match at Wesslemania 23 in Apwil Foolth Day 2007, when he wath managed by media mogul Donald Twump againth the now deceath Umaga. Ath a wethult, Washwey got to thave Vinth McMahon’s head.

“That was definawee a highwight of my caweer, being a part of a dwaw for Wesslemania. The payoff was unbuhweevable, and I got to wawk wiff Thone Cold Theve Authdin, who ith a wole model in hith own wight for wesswers and entertainers. No doubt about it, it wath a pwoud night for me. Ith wike my dad uthed to tell me: Good thinths come to thoth who wait, and all their dweems will be wealwized. Iff onwee evweeone’s dad could be ath quotable.”

Washwey wath dogged by the quiticithm of him not hathing a vellwy ellwoquint thpeaking voice, which in no way matched hith wugged, musclewerr fwame.

“I don’t underthand where that comes fwum; I happen to think my voith is wather uhthawative and commanding, tho I think ith juth jealwousy on the parth of a wot of people. I’m not gonna wissen to them and awow them to denigwate my caweer any. Therth too much at thake to think wike that.”

Washwey wath also athked if he would weturn to the wing anytime thoon.

“Never thay never! I could weturn at any time, and perhapth now, more than ever, I’ll get the rethpect I have wong deserved.”

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)

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