Headlies: Vince McMahon Goes Through His Record Collection To Come Up With More PPV Names

18 Submitted by on Mon, 08 May 2017, 08:00

Greenwich, CT – On a lazy Sunday afternoon, WWE CEO Vince McMahon took out his old record collection to come up with more names that would work well for pay-per-views in the vein similar to the upcoming “Great Balls Of Fire” event.

McMahon, wearing his most comfortable pair of ICOPRO sweatpants and a faded and stained Starland Vocal Band t-shirt, laid on the floor of his bedroom looking through old LPs, EPs, and 45s. A slight musky smell wafted through the McMahon mansion as songs from the 50’s 60’s and 70’s emanated from an old record player.

Armed with a glass of Cake Batter-flavored Muscle Milk and a stack of Snackwells Fat Free Devil’s Food Cookie Cakes, McMahon feverishly took notes of song titles and lyrics to come up with titling ideas.

“’Stayin’ Alive’ by the Bee Gees would be perfect to replace Summerslam,” said McMahon as his feet tapped to the beat of the disco classic. ‘Lady Marmalade’ would be good for September. ‘Time Of The Season’ by The Zombies would be good for after the Rumble. I gotta see if I can get a Hall & Oates song in there too.”

“Just imagine, ‘WWE Champion Randy Orton will defend his title against Bray Wyatt this Sunday at Tutti Frutti!’. Ugh, so cool!” exclaimed McMahon to himself, kicking his legs in excitement.

As McMahon continued to work, the music began to grow louder.

“Heeeeeey, Aqualung!” yelled McMahon while jumping on his bed and playing air guitar.

Suddenly, a loud banging sound came from beneath McMahon’s bedroom.

“Keep it down up there! Some of us are trying to pretend to run government associations!” yelled McMahon’s wife, Linda.

“Soorrrrrryyy, dear!” shouted McMahon while turning down the music. “Man, I can’t wait for her to go back to Washington. Then I’ll be able to listen to my sweet tunes and eat pizza and stay up as late as I want. Man, that’s going to be so cool! Then it’ll just be me, KC & The Sunshine band, and good times!”

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
18 Responses to "Headlies: Vince McMahon Goes Through His Record Collection To Come Up With More PPV Names"
  1. John C says:

    I was shocked it took this long for a article to appear about this subject. Immediately a emergency WrestleCrap Radio episode should have occurred about this impending national crisis. Tutti Frutti was the first name that leapt to mind on this unholy of all unholy re-branding ideas. This really could signal that Vince’s inevitable dementia is setting in.

    “Coming in October, Raw presents Love Me Tender featuring Finn Balor against Bray Wyatt in a Hell in a Cell Match and Smackdown presents I Only Have Eyes For You featuring a triple threat WWE Championship Match with A.J. Styles, Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn.”

    Dates pending for Come on Eileen, Mr. Tambourine Man and My Sharona

  2. Thomas says:

    This is just like the episode of Wrestlecrap Radio where RD and Blade start naming future WWE PPVs after old episodes of MacGyver. I guess we can look forward to PPVs like The Mountain of Youth and Every Time She Smiles in the future.

  3. hobu0 says:

    Starland Vocal Band?! They suck!

  4. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Hilarious as always! 🙂

  5. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Something in the Air by Thunderclap Newman – cue the fake laughs on commentary and childish ‘puns’…

  6. Thomas says:

    Some ideas for WWE song-titled PPVs/shows:

    -True Love Ways (Cena and Nikki Bella get married in the ring)
    -Cleveland Rocks (timed to converge with the Rock & Roll HOF induction ceremony)
    -Evil Woman (female wrestlers all turn heel)
    -I Don’t Like Mondays (alternative name for Raw)

  7. John Q Occupier says:

    I would SO go to a PPV named “Slow Ride”…

  8. MistaMaddog says:

    And WrestleMania 34: I Keep On Dancing will be hosted by Jimmy Hart with a reunion of The Gentrys to do the 20 minute intro for John Cena.

  9. Darryl Stewart says:

    The only Hall And Oates song fitting for this purpose would be “Out Of Touch”.

  10. Gabe Benson says:

    Why can’t he just use old WCW or even ECW PPV names? I know he used a few then dumped them. The Great American Bash, Starrcade, Wrestle War, Hostile City Showdown.

  11. CF says:

    Given the lyrics of “Aqualung”, associating it with Vince McMahon is *NOT* an image I needed in my head…. 😛

    Also: “Princes Of The Universe” — those who know which movie this is associated with will understand why it is the perfect title for a PPV…. >:)

  12. BaltoJim says:

    In an alternate WWE Universe, Vince calls Mean Gene’s hotline for name ideas and comes up with the “Holy Balls” PPV.

  13. Lycanthrokeith says:

    Have a PPV where all the Women’s Superstars wrestle the men, and go over them all. Call it “Maneater.”

  14. Doc 902714 says:

    Guess Vince had stopped going thru his old VHS & BETA-MAX movies for names for past PPV’s i.e. Unforgiven, No Way Out, Judgment Day & Breaking Point etc.

  15. Anthony says:

    If they’re going to name ppvs after songs it would be funny if one was called “Let’s Get Physical”

  16. RedArmyCats says:

    What month would “Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting” be?

  17. Jason says:

    I’ll take one from the Kiss Catalog Lick it up (featuring the return of Paige)

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