Headlies: Vince McMahon Coming Around To The Idea Of Japan

18 Submitted by on Mon, 17 August 2015, 08:00


Stamford, CT – After many years of self-reflection and the strong efforts of his staff and family, WWE CEO Vince McMahon is finally coming around to the idea of Japan.

McMahon, whose strength is not in geography, had been unable to grasp that concept that Japan was, in fact, a real country with it’s own language and culture. Thanks to the signing of NXT star Hideo Itami and the appearance of legendary Japanese wrestler Jushin “Thunder” Liger at the upcoming NXT Takeover, WWE COO Triple H was finally able to break through to McMahon.

“Itami and Liger are really going to help the WWE reach a brand new fan demographic in Japan,” Triple H said.

“Sorry, you lost me there, Hunter,” said Vince. “What’s that last word mean? Is that some sort of hip word Millenials use?”

“What?” said a confused Triple H. “No. Japan. You know, the country.”

McMahon furrowed his brow in confusion.

“Come on, Vince. Japan!” exclaimed Triple H. “The country in Asia. Right near China. Land of the Rising Sun. Godzilla, sumos, that sort of thing!”

“Oh, you mean the Orient.” said McMahon. “Yes, it would be good to find a passage on the Silk Road. From there, we could also make connections in Siam, Ceylon, Prussia, and eventually Yugoslavia.”

“No, no no,” cringed Triple H. “Vince, we don’t use that term anymore. It’s antiquated and improper. We’re a publicly traded company now. We can’t be using terms that may upset our fans and stockholders! They’re from Japan.”

“Jah-pan?” said Vince, struggling with the word.

After several hours and with the aid of a globe, multiple maps, and a Where’s Waldo book, Vince McMahon finally began to accept the fact that Japan exists.

Unfortunately, now all wrestlers in developmental are listed as being from Japan, Massachussetts.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
18 Responses to "Headlies: Vince McMahon Coming Around To The Idea Of Japan"
  1. John C says:

    So that explains “Japanese” Superstars like Yokozuna, Kato & Kwang and so many more that hailed from Tokyo, Japan.

  2. Pérez84 says:

    “Ahhhh Japan, the land of the bearded-bellied-tattooed 100% Caucasian men, finally I understand…….”

  3. Bone White says:

    Then Vince jumped into a hansom cab and asked to be taken to New Amsterdam

  4. Gotchism For Life says:

    I started enjoying this from the pic…and the article just got better.

    I think Japan is 3 hours from Dudleyville and 5 hours from Parts Unknown

  5. Ze Frenchie says:

    I’m sure he would have asked how close was Japan to Chyna…

  6. Premier Blah says:

    Things were later confused when at a later press conference to announce a Japan-related RAW, Vince McMahon announced its guest host would be “Commodore Matthew Perry”, as he called him, This confused the actor’s agent as he later stated that he had yet to receive any sort of request from the wrestling company, as well as WWE staff who wondered why he kept calling Mr. Perry “Commodore” despite the man having never served in the navy.

  7. BoWmEn says:

    As someone who has done many Photoshop’s over the years, this is truly is a gem and should be a magazine/newspaper cover somewhere immediately!

    No one better not let McMahon see Hogan’s time over there while he represented WWF. It would only result in McMahon becoming so enraged that Japan would become the new WCW in his eyes.

  8. J says:

    Not trying to be a dick but can Japanese wrestlers handle WWF kind of wrestling if I remember correctly don’t most companies over there do like 6 months on and 6 months off and not a 365 schedule

    • Gotchism For Life says:

      Many indy wrestling offices in Japan do weekend shows, monthly shows, or as in the case of Dradition or RJPW, 2-3 months in between. The bigger offices will do a tour every month for a couple of weeks and even then have a day or two break during the tour.

      Vinny Mac loves having his guys on the road 300 days a year, wear them down, break them and then replace them.

      The Japanese system is better. Liger has 30 years in the ring, Tatsumi Fujinami is 60 and still able to go. The Original Tiger Mask still gets in the ring, Masanobu Fuchi still works prelim matches. The guys in Japan generally avoid the bodybuilder look but have more longevity.. My favorite wreslter is Osamu Nishimura. His body looks average but he can still bridge like crazy and has great technical skill.

      • J says:

        i agree Japan way is better I was just wondering if they could handle it because of the different schedule thing thanks for explain Japan way of doing thing to me better Love watching ROH when it comes on

  9. Thomas Moffatt says:

    The bad news is that Vince has also discovered a new country called North Korea who have a leader with a silly haircut.

    “He reminds me of Saddam Hussein!” gasps Vince as he fiddles with himself, “Do you remember him?! We had his sidekick in WWE…(!)”

    Vince suddenly locks eyes with Hideo Itami, he walks over and slaps the Japanese star on the shoulder, “Hey kid, anyone told you that you like a North Korean? We’re going to make you a North Korean! You’ll be the Stupid Haircut Guy’s Number One guy in the US! We’ll call you… Wan Long Pong!!!!”

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