Headlies: TNA Restaurant Opens

31 Submitted by on Mon, 21 September 2015, 08:00


Goodlettsville, TN – TNA officials announced the grand opening of their brand new theme restaurant this past weekend in Goodlettsville, just north of Nashville on Route 65.

TNA president and on-air personality Dixie Carter greeted hungry customers to the company’s latest endeavor.

“Welcome, ya’ll!” said Carter, in full waitress uniform. “Hope everyone brought their appetites!”

The restaurant, designed in the classic 50’s diner motif, is located in a strip mall in between an A-1 Cleaners and The New Beginnings methadone clinic. The walls are covered in important TNA artifacts from years past. Some pieces of memorabilia include the tubesocks that the Hot Shots stuffed into their trunks, Johnny Fairplay’s contract, and Don Harris’s infamous Nazi SS shirt.

“The TNA Restaurant has some good ol’ down home, stick to your ribs cookin,” said Carter, wiping gravy from an order of Tyrus Thanksgiving Sandwich on to her apron.

Other items on the menu include the Abyss’s Black Hole Slamburger, the EC3-Bean Salad, Loaded Rockstar Spuds, and Velvet Sky High Apple Pie. This week’s special is Chicken ala Kenny King with your choice of Austin Aries Antipasto or Lashley Lentil soup.

“Y’know, I’ve never been in the food business, but I think we’ll be fine. Come to think of it, I can’t even make mac and cheese. It’s okay, though. I didn’t know anything about the wrestling business and look where TNA is now!”

Several TNA wrestlers are currently working at the restaurant to help make ends meet.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
31 Responses to "Headlies: TNA Restaurant Opens"
  1. John C says:

    Dixie became aggravated when people kept calling for take out orders of Samoan Sloppy Joes.
    “Sugar, I keep telling y’all we don’t have those no more and to save you time there are no A.J. Sliders either. Now stop bothering me or my boss Mel will really let have it.”

  2. Tim says:

    Aw, I think you missed an opportunity for Red Velvet Sky’s Cupcakes.

  3. Down With OPC says:

    The restaurant would probably get more business than their shows.

  4. Raven7309 says:

    “Kiss my grits!!!”

  5. Alexandru says:

    Pretty sure I’d get food poisoning from a restaurant run by TNA.

  6. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Awesome job, Jordan! Very funny and creative! Bravo! 🙂

  7. Josh says:

    Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if the TNA restaurant sold nothing but wax replicas of food.

  8. Mortuary Matt says:

    I would love some Broman Noodles off the kiddie menu. and a 6 inch Burnt-Burnt-Burnt-Burnt Bologna Sub.

  9. John C says:

    “Y’all might want to try The Fallen Angel Haired Pasta.”

  10. Gotchism For Life says:

    Too bad items like Fallen Angel Food Cake, Shark Boy Fin Soup and tall glasses of Sonjay D won’t be on the menu.

    Maybe Sloppy Josephs though…

  11. Geoff says:

    Rimshot for the rest of you.

    On another note: the wrestlers that work at the diner are:
    – Hulk Hogan (the only place that would hire him BACK after his racial slur sex tape)
    – Damien Demento (the only place that would hire him BACK after his…)
    – Samoa Joe (doing the Chef’s special for his Sloppy Samoa Joe’s. He works part time and still doesn’t get paid enough to make ends meet)
    – Kevin Nash (assistant chef. Run!)
    – Scott Hall (dish washer/bus boy/maintenance guy. Watch out, Trump may think he is illegal)
    – Tara (part time hostess but only comes in around Halloween)
    – Kharma (aka Awesome Kong, head chef, try the grits, they’ll knock your socks off! Literally!)

  12. Bo Dumbass says:

    But what about the Winner Winner Turkey Dinner?

  13. Ed says:

    I went there the other day. Terrible. Unfortunately Vince Russo was working in the kitchen. I ordered a Dupp Cup of Noodles and got Bram Flakes. When I asked why the waitress said it was a swerve.

  14. TK says:

    Nice notes but it wouldn’t be McDonald’s but Mickie Ds as the competition. That or Gail Kim’s hubby Robert Irvine. This would be quite the episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives…all a part of TNA if you count MVP and the booking team.

  15. Preparation Triple H says:

    Unfortunately all the diner’s tables were busted by the Dudleys on their way out.

  16. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Total Nonstop Eatin’?

  17. Adam says:

    Enjoy it while you can – I hear the landlord’s going to give their lease to a Ring of Hunger restaurant next year.

  18. Jeremy says:

    I hear Jeff Jarrett is opening his own restaurant right across the street that’s gonna be several different restaurants in one, but has to share the lease with TNA until they can get their own lease.

  19. Kev says:


  20. Paul says:

    Can I trouble trouble trouble trouble trouble trouble trouble you for some silverware?

  21. Kev says:

    And your host? Mike Tenay who let you know your table is ready by saying “What’s (name of party) doing in the Impact Zone??”

  22. G.M.Spectre says:

    For those who read the Death of WCW, this would be the type of place that would sell a “McMystery” meal!

  23. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Best Headlie ever!

  24. antonio cage says:

    would you like some Dixie doughnuts with your king of the mountain dew and our side order will be a choice of aj juice or iwgpee no that is not a typo and baby if that don’t satisfy your hard justice try ordering some slammiversary viennas or my personal favorite panda energy punch .always goes down smooth and panda energy punch is never with out a side order of bro man meat complete with gut check cheese what we have no gut check cheese well fire up some double j jelly or my favorite abyss burgers or joseph park peanuts with teeth.

  25. James says:

    Hopefully they have booths and not tables, Robbie E is infamous for throwing the latter at fans (for real, this happened at an ECPW show to my friend 3 years ago…)

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