Headlies: TNA Finds A New Permanent Home

19 Submitted by on Fri, 25 October 2013, 08:00


Littleton, WV – During an impromptu press conference, TNA Impact Wrestling president Dixie Carter announced that she has signed a new deal procuring a venue to house the wrestling promotion for the next three years.

“We loved the Impact Zone in Tampa, but it was just time to go,” said Carter. “Universal Studios really helped us out, whether it was forcing park goers to watch our matches or giving us scraps of food at the end of the night. When we decided to take our matches out on the road, some said I was crazy. Some said I had absolutely no idea how to run anything, let alone a wrestling company. A few even said I couldn’t draw a picture, let alone a dime. I’m happy to prove those naysayers wrong with our brand new facility right here in Littleton, West Virginia.

Littleton, a former town in West Virginia that was disincorporated in 2004, will serve as the new home and corporate base for TNA. According to the 2010 census, the area boasts a population of 198 and a per capita income of $6,036, the lowest in the state. The matches will take place in the barn of local farmer Jonah T. Hogwollop.

“Whelp, Ms. Dixie done came up to my trailer right over ch’ere and said she wanted to have her Impacty wrasslin’ matches in my barn,” said an overall-clad Hogwollop. “I wasn’t using it fer nothin’ so we worked out a fair deal. Every week Ms. Dixie gives me $20, a tin of Skoal Long Cut Peach Blend, and a dinner date with a wrassler of my choosin’. That Samoey Joey sure does look like a cuddler. Nice and squishy-like.”

“We needed to go back to our roots and be with the common people,” said the heiress of Panda Energy International. “We plan to bring the salt-of-the-earth folk here in Littleton our brand of wrestling that is sure to excite and entertain. Thanks to the hospitality of Mr. Hogwollop, I can’t wait for you all to see the new Impact Barn!”

After crunching the numbers with TNA Chief Financial Officer Dean Broadhead, Carter plans to charge 2 bits a gander for the matches, 3 Eisenhowers for a bottle of King Cobra, and $35 for t-shirts.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
19 Responses to "Headlies: TNA Finds A New Permanent Home"
  1. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Outstanding! This right here is more entreating than the last two years of TNA.

  2. Walt says:

    Hmmm, 198 in the town…that means that TNA could have their biggest paying audience in months. Way to go Dixie! 🙂

  3. Raven7309 says:

    “Squishy-like” & “Samoa Joe.” 2 sets of words that I never expected to see used together in a million years.

  4. Brandon says:

    I’ve lived in Southern WV all my 29 years on this Earth, and I know of no Littleton. At least you didn’t go all WCW and say that TNA would now be from the Kennell Club, A Little Town in France, or TNA Special Forces.

    • Brandon says:

      Upon some researching via Wikipedia, there actually is a Littleton way up in Wetzel County, which is hours away from my Logan County. No wonder I hadn’t heard of it. I learned something today. Thanks, Jordan!

  5. John says:

    The crowd will literally be hanging from the rafters.

  6. ScMcS says:

    “People said I couldn’t draw a picture, let alone a dime.”

    There’s a quote someone needs to steal for a promo (with proper manipulation, o’course).

  7. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Jonah T. Hogwollop reminds me a lot of Mike Check (with just a smidgen of Jeff Foxworthy thrown in).

  8. Jakki Steal says:

    I don’t get why everybody hates TNA. Wrestling as a whole has just been awful for the last 12 years.
    The only good thing about the WWE is the hot chicks who wrestle.
    At least TNA has Sting & Jeff Hardy. What does the WWE have Fandango, 2 Tito Santana’s, John Cena, Midgets, Triple Gay, The Miz & those 3 Shield guys.
    The Shield is just a cheap knockoff of Aces & Eights which is just a cheap knockoff of NWO
    No Thanks.
    TNA & WWE are both awful these days but I can at least sit through TNA without rolling my eyes every 7 seconds. The WWE is just on for background noise in hopes that something cool might happen. The Shawn Michaels stuff recently was the best I’ve seen since Undertakers last match.
    Triple Gay is so dreadful to watch he has no mic skills, no personality. He is just plain dull. Nobody in the WWE has any kind of charisma. Daniel Bryan looks like my drunk uncle. I’m so sick of his yes, yes, yes/no, no, no chants. CM punk is boring to watch as well. The only cool thing about him is that he uses Living Color-Cult Of Personality as his theme song. Other than that he puts me to sleep whenever I see him on TV.

    • Walt says:

      I share your frustration with the current landscape of wrestling. In fact, when I watch wrestling now, it’s actually on Youtube where I will watch Golden Age wrestling or 80’s ans 90’s Puroresu.

      My problem with TNA is that it is WWE Lite.It had the same approach, same backstage skits, same crap. I want to see a pro wrestling come up that treats it as a sport and keeps tracks of stats like a sport. I also want to see an emphasis on holds instead of bumps.

      • Jakki Steal says:

        The thing with TNA though is no matter what they do people are still gonna say it sucks.
        No matter what WWE does most everybody seems to love it. I always hear people complain that because it’s PG is why it’s not as good as it used to be but the WWF was very PG in the late 80’s/early 90’s & people loved it. So that’s a flimsy excuse.

        Another thing this may sound odd but they need to bring back jobbers. Seems like every week it’s Curtis Axel V.S Ryback & then next week Ryback V.S Curtis Axel. I’ve seen pretty much everybody wrestle each other. Without ever seeing a single pay per view event in the past dozen years. Why would you pay for a pay per view event when you get to see pretty much all the same wrestlers wrestle each other on TV for free. Jobbers used to be a gateway to build great feuds up w/wrestlers during the weekly TV shows.

        Plus, they have way too many pay per view events & way to many belts. They both don’t really mean anything anymore.

  9. John says:

    Promotional message was paid by the following, Panda Energy Int’l. Where you won’t be just whistling Dixie and by GLAAD for such creative use of the word gay.

  10. John Matrix says:

    ’bout time some proper ennertainment showed up in these here parts! Now I just need t’find someone t’give me two bits so ah kin go.

  11. Jakki Steal says:

    John says:
    October 26, 2013 at 1:41 pm

    Promotional message was paid by the following, Panda Energy Int’l. Where you won’t be just whistling Dixie and by GLAAD for such creative use of the word gay.

    I don’t know if you were talking about me but I am a bi sexual woman. I have nothing against gays. I have plenty of gay friends. Even they say things are gay & they are not talking about sexuality. I used the word gay as in lame. Gay can have 2 different meanings it used to mean happy a long time ago. I wasn’t talking about sexuality at all.

    I wasn’t even trying to be clever. Nothing I said was supposed to be funny.
    I just think Triple H is just awful. I never thought he was cool. To me he will always be Hunter Hearst Helmsly the snobby douche bag persona he had when he first came to the WWF.
    I just find it really odd that so many people think he is so cool. The only match of his I can sit through is when he faced the Ultimate Warrior at Wrestlemania. Other than that I just cringe everytime I see his face.

  12. Craig says:

    When TNA comes to their senses, they should dump the metropolis of Littleton and move to Centralia, PA!

    The town was abandoned after a mine fire started burning under the town in the 60’s. About 10 people still live there even though their houses were claimed by eminent domain. The mine fire still burns and probably will burn for another 500 years.


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