Headlies: TNA Gets Into The Dessert Business

11 Submitted by on Mon, 30 May 2016, 08:00


Bakersville, TN – TNA Impact Wrestling President Dixie Carter announced this morning that TNA will now be getting into the dessert and baked goods business.

“These past few months have been awful stressful and I needed to take my mind off things,” said Carter from the kitchen of her new facility. “So I decided to start baking. It’s real relaxing and when you’re done, you get to enjoy your tummy treats! I’d make all sorts of treats and give them out to the locker room before shows. It was a real hit because all the boys kept talking about my sweet cakes.I figured more people would want to eat my goodies, so now we’re opening up a dessert shop.”

The shop, named Mama Dixie’s Cakes And Sweet Buns, is located in Bakersville, Tennessee, next to the Dollar General and across the street from the Kum & Go gas station. Carter assures that she will not be using artificial enhancers and sweeteners in her products.

“Well, sugah, we use all natural ingredients like sugah, powdered sugah, brown sugah, cane sugah, vanilla bean-infused sugah, and cocoa.” said Carter, her arms deep inside a bowl of dough.

“I’m not doing this all by my lonesome, though. I’ve got Bram making bran muffins, Jade stirring up the marmalade, and Earl Hebner is stuffing his face with semi-sweet chocolate. Hey, get outta there, Earl!” shouted Dixie. “Even Jeff Hardy is helping out. He clearly loves baking because his face is always covered with flour.”

Mama Dixie’s Cakes And Sweet Buns will be open 7 days a week except when it is closed on days whenever Impact is taping.

“Bring the family, ya’ll! We’ve got specials like Eli Drake’s Yodel Snack Cakes, Swiss Miss Abyss brownies, and of course, make sure to get a slice of my very own extra tasty, super moist pie. Yummers!”

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
11 Responses to "Headlies: TNA Gets Into The Dessert Business"
  1. #OPC says:

    Totally read this in Dixie’s voice from WCR.

  2. Harry Beaver says:

    I’ve never had a problem with the word “Moist”. But when put into context with ” make sure to get a slice of my very own extra tasty, super moist pie.” and Dixie it makes me shutter.

  3. John C says:

    “Now I know y’all have heard about other companies having their shows split lately. Well we’re announcing a split here at TNA, a Banana Split that is. Along with our new line of special confections we also will be serving ice cream as well. And with our official TNA Puchcard after you purchase 10 Sundaes you will automatically headline our next PPV and become the new Impact Champion. If you all can remember to bring your own bowls and whipped cream and chocolate sauce and nuts and ice cream that would sure help to keep my daddy’s costs down.”

  4. Mark Smart says:

    I could just see Dixie calling Vince….

    Dixie: “Hey, Vince! Guess what? I’m in the desserts business!”
    Vince: “That’s great, Dixie……but I’m in the confectionary delicacy business.”

    also, I bet Jeff Hardy can make some mean brownies……..just call em Space Cakes. They could have different icing designs based on his various face paints.

    Seriously, if WWE is teasing Booty-O cereal this isn’t that far fetched.

  5. Geoff says:

    She needs to get out of ding dongs and ho hos and start making cup cakes. More decorative and more creative. More up her and Jeff’s ally,

    Vince: That’s great. I want to get into cupcakes right away. I want to get into her cupcakes (snickers evilly) Do it! I want her cupcakes.

    (everyone looks at each other confused.)

    Kevin Dunn (piggybacking on Vince’s back) We’ll get it done Mr. Mcmahon sir. It will be done.

    Triple H (looking at his watch) Yeah, I got to go see a guy about a weight training session. (turns to Stephanie) HOney, make some notes and we’ll work on this whenever I get back (Steph looks at him in shock)

  6. Hew says:

    Moist pie you say?

  7. EWA Beach Boy says:

    Whatever you do avoid Jeff’s special brownies. Unless you live in a state that allows that kinda thing, if Ya smell What EWA is Cooking!

    (No, not that!)

  8. Mike M. says:

    That pic of Dixie on the homepage… she trying to look like Peg Bundy?

  9. Lycanthrokeith says:

    I was fully expecting a Designing Women joke. Something about Sugarbaker’s.

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