Headlies: The Blacktop Bully Teaches JBL How To “Be A Star”

10 Submitted by on Mon, 17 April 2017, 08:00

Sweetwater, TX – Over the weekend, WWE commentator and former wrestler John “Bradshaw” Leyfield received a special lesson on how to “Be A STAR”.

JBL, who has come under fire recently due to accusations of bullying, awoke to the sounds of a tractor trailer horn blasting in his driveway.

“What in tarnation is going on?” shouted JBL from his window. “I need to get my beauty rest! I’m supposed to be part of an eight-person panel on Fox News later today!”

Former WCW star The Blacktop Bully burst through JBL’s bedroom door and grabbed him by the ear. JBL tried to fight back, but years of ring rust and being oppressively obnoxious on commentary had left him weak and unable to get out of the Bully’s grip.

“Seems like you’ve got a real problem being a bully, mister,” said Blacktop Bully. “Well, the WWE hired me to teach you a lesson you’ll never forget. I’m here to show you how to ‘Be A STAR’!”

JBL flailed his arms as the Bully pulled him down the stairs and dragged him outside on to the front lawn.

“Be respectful of your co-workers!” yelled Blacktop Bully while giving JBL a wet willie.

“Speak with an indoor voice!” shouted Blacktop Bully while giving JBL a purple nurple.

“Understand that people need their personal space!” emphasized the Blacktop Bully as he yanked JBL’s underwear into an atomic wedgie.

JBL covered his face with his cowboy hat to try to hide the tears rolling down his cheeks.

“All right, boys! Back it up!” bellowed Blacktop Bully.

A large moving truck with “Darsow’s Repo Company” written on the side backed up into JBL’s driveway next to Bully’s own truck. A group of men emerged from the truck and started placing JBL’s household items into the back.

“Wh-what are you doing?” sniffed JBL between uncontrollable sobs.

“We’re showing you that bullying is wrong. Doesn’t feel good, does it, nerd,” sneered Blacktop Bully.

As the group finished removing the last items from JBL’s house, Blacktop Bully leaned out the window of his truck and shouted to JBL, “Big Bully Busick will be here later today for your lunch money. Don’t be late.”

Blacktop Bully honked his horn and fired up his engine, leaving JBL in a cloud of black exhaust and emotions.


Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
10 Responses to "Headlies: The Blacktop Bully Teaches JBL How To “Be A Star”"
  1. John C says:

    The equivalent to this story would be Rob Bartlett showing up at David Otunga’s wife’s house and teaching him how to be a good wrestling announcer. Why the hell couldn’t JBL bully Otunga out of the fricking company instead. The point is David Otunga really sucks at announcing.

    • 80's Guy says:

      He didn’t bully Otunga because Otunga’s a big guy and he can’t bully them.

      He only picks on the little guys.

  2. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Yes! This so needs to happen.

  3. Barronmore says:

    I’m telling you, if you guys had the book and stuff like this really happened…i’d be watching WWE today.

  4. Retro Redress says:

    Yeah, after JBL has been humbled, you could have a redemption story where he befriends all his victims, like Blue Meanie and Justin Roberts, and starts a Superfriends faction.

    Sadly, David Otunga would still be announcing though…

  5. Thomas Moffatt says:

    “Vince told me to do it!” wailed a tearful JBL as Blacktop Bully pulled the big Texan’s tighty whitey’s up his back passage, “he said people though Mauro was better than Maggal so we had to get rid if him!”

  6. Adam says:

    “I ever see him again” JBL wept with rage, “… I’ll either sucker-punch him in the back of his head, or whine about how he was in that goofy ‘hardcore’ truck match! That hardcore crap is all garbage, unless I’m in it to mask my lack of talent! Someone get that fat bastard back here, I’ll take him in a Parking Lot Barbed-Wire Cage Streetfights Count Anywhere. Hell, any kind of gimmick… as long as Bart Gunn isn’t around.”

  7. MistaMaddog says:

    And just when JBL tries to console himself with an ice cream cone, Big Bully Brunswick comes by and knocks it out of his hands…

  8. DarthPitch says:

    A few days later, Blacktop Bully returns. “Don’t worry, John, it’s all over now. Tell you what, how about I take you out to the golf course, and we can play a round or two…” *winks to camera*

  9. Andre Reichenbacher says:

    This was one BAD gimmick. Especially considering Barry Darsow was a member of Demolition at one point. I remember the BB’s debut and how he would point to Col. Robert Parker and yell “this man is my ONLY friend!” I knew it was Repo Man immediately and he went nowhere. And then came that godawful debacle at Uncensored ’95 when he and Dustin Rhodes fought on a moving tractor trailer truckbed, which bombed so badly that they were both fired from WCW afterwards. Apparently Darsow came back the following year as “Mr. Hole-In-One” but I totally missed out on seeing that. I have no idea what he’s doing these days. And I loved it when you said about his Repo Man gimmick “He repossesses from deadbeats. How is he a heel?” LOL!

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