Headlies: Teddy Long Makes Breakfast

12 Submitted by on Thu, 13 June 2013, 10:00


Houston, TX – Early Saturday morning, WWE Smackdown Senior Advisor Teddy Long decided to make himself a hearty breakfast featuring a wide variety of foods.

A velvet robe-clad Long entered the kitchen and began taking pots, pans, bowls, and various kitchen utensils out of the cabinets. While he normally settles on something quick and easy for breakfast, Long decided to treat himself. “For the first time ever, right here in this kitchen, eggs, french toast, bacon, pancakes, cereal, and juice will all go one-on-one with my taste buds!” said Long to absolutely no one in the empty kitchen.

Long proceeded to grind coffee beans, squeeze oranges, and pour himself a bowl of Good Friends cereal. He decided to add some cheese to his eggs, proclaiming to himself, “While I like some cheddar, I gotta back the Jack!” After creating a large mess making pancakes and bacon, Long found himself with a conundrum: what bread to use to make french toast. “Hmmm. Should I use the white, the wheat, or the Italian,” Long asked the deafening silence of the room. “I know! I’ll use some nice challah bread. Challah challah, playa!”

Ready to eat, Long sat down at the table with his plates of food, beverages, and the latest edition of WWE Kids magazine. After taking several minutes to complete the word search and finding the differences between two photos of Ric Flair, Long began to eat. To his surprise, he noticed that the yolk of his egg began to run, touching his bacon.

“Now hold up just a minute, playa. We can’t be having this,” said Long, talking to his food because no one else was around. “Eggs, bacon. I’m going to eat you both. And it’s going to happen….right now!”

As Long began to eat his eggs and bacon together, he noticed that both foods were also touching his french toast and pancakes.

“Enough!” proclaimed Long, shouting into the crippling void of silence. “The only way to solve this is a tag team match!”

“Teddy! What the hell are you doing in my kitchen, man!” yelled an incensed Booker T

Surprised, Long grabbed his plate of food and ran out of Booker T’s house via a broken screen door.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
12 Responses to "Headlies: Teddy Long Makes Breakfast"
  1. Nickety-Split says:


  2. CarlMarksGuy says:

    This is awesome on many levels, and I think I can say without hyperbole, my favorite Headlie ever.

    …though I can’t help but think about how it would have been different if he was cookin’ up breakfast in the mid-2000s, when I was watching Smackdown regularly:

    if Teddy had eased up on the bacon and eggs, maybe he wouldn’t have had that heart attack during his wedding,

    …and of course, every offending foodstuff would be fed to the Undertaker (playa).

  3. Raven7309 says:

    After reading this, I now want WWE to publish a second cookbook with Teddy’s various breakfast dish recipes on the very first page, “playa!!” 😛

  4. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Food Network; are you listening? BEST COOKING SHOW EVER!

    This so needs to be on WWE Network when it launches.

    • Raven7309 says:

      Oh, so in the year “whenever we line up enough unsuspecting suckers, er, sponsors, who are willing to be associated with our current piss-poor product.”

  5. Rick C. says:

    Booker T better get that screen door fixed or some wild animals might come into his home for some Beastiality sex.

  6. Down With OPC says:

    If WWE Network hasn’t launched because it doesn’t have enough shows, they got at LEAST a three hour block here with Teddy’s cooking show.

    I love the fact that Booker T has Good Friends cereal in his kitchen!

  7. Alan says:

    I got a good laugh out of this one.

  8. TK says:

    Not just that, this needs to kick off Saturday Morning Slam if it gets a renewal-how could one pass up a cooking show for Saturday Morning kids programming? It’s even educational…I didn’t know there were that many types of bread!

leave a comment