Headlies: Sheamus and Paige Open An Anti-Tanning Salon

11 Submitted by on Fri, 06 June 2014, 08:00


Norwich, England – Current WWE US Champion Sheamus and WWE Divas Champion Paige have teamed together to open the world’s first “Anti-Tanning” Salon.

When asked why the two wrestlers decided to open a business, Sheamus said, “Fella, we’ve all seen what happens to some people once they leave the business. Think of this as an investment. I don’t want to be ‘Wrestling Superstar Sheamus’ asking people for $10 an autograph at the Gary, Indiana ComicCon.”

“I didn’t think I was ready to own a business, but here we are,” said Paige, shielding herself from the sun with a large black hat. “We’re just getting ahead of the new trends. Soon everyone in Hollywood will want the “Norwich/Dublin” look. Pale is the new tan. Our treatments range from the beginner ‘Larry Bird’ to the intermediate ‘Vanilla Ice’ all the way to the expert ‘Mitt Romney’.”

The salon, which is now open in Paige’s hometown of Norwich, will be equipped with multiple anti-tanning beds, pitch-black anti-tanning rooms, The salon will also be selling several pieces of merchandise including sunglasses, gigantic hats, long-sleeve shirts, and full-body veils. Procol Harum’s ‘A White Shade Of Pale’, Cream’s ‘White Room’ and Hank Williams’ ‘The Pale Horse And His Rider’ will feature prominently on the salon’s music playlist.

While both Sheamus and Paige have put considerable amounts of money into the salon, they have received the backing from several businesses including Miracle Whip, Elmer’s, Wonderbread, Colgate, and Saltines.

“I really feel people are going to enjoy anti-tanning,” said Sheamus, applying SPF-1000 to his face. “It’s for young and old, people of all backgrounds, and for the lasses and the fellas…uh, Fella.”

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
11 Responses to "Headlies: Sheamus and Paige Open An Anti-Tanning Salon"
  1. Bone White says:

    I’m sure local legend Alan Partridge would appreciate this, being no doubt aware of the dangers of ultra-violet rays or “oranging up” as he might term it/

  2. Vealchop says:

    As a Translucent-American I approve this headlie.

  3. Chadmw says:

    I just want to know, how has the WWE not put these two together as a couple yet??

  4. Down With OPC says:

    This would have been the most popular thing hundreds of years ago.

  5. Art0Donnell says:

    Mitt Romney is very tan, though. How about Edgar Winter?

  6. El J says:

    Is there an irony in the fact Paige’s sister runs a beauty salon (that includes tanning) in the Norwich area?

  7. mohit shukla says:

    this is very great thing everybody in us and europe should follow it and stop that fucking tanning thing guys avoid it

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