Headlies: Sack Of Flour Jumps Ship And Joins WWE

26 Submitted by on Fri, 24 January 2014, 08:00


Pittsburgh, PA – In a stunning move harkening back to the cutthroat days of the “Monday Night Wars”, TNA’s most popular Knockout Sack Of Flour has left the company to join WWE.

The surprise news was first broken by John Pollock on this week’s edition of Live Audio Wrestling. “I can’t reveal my sources, but I stand by them 100 percent,” said Pollock. “It’s really a no-brainer for WWE. Sack Of Flour is the most popular wrestler in TNA and will really inject life into the stagnant Divas division.”

Vince McMahon was said to be furious at the news leaking early, ruining Sack Of Flour’s surprise entrance into the Royal Rumble. McMahon dressed-down several members of the writing team and reportedly dangled The Miz out of a window. The window-dangling incident was apparently unrelated as it is part of McMahon’s weekly routine.

While the surprise may have been spoiled, interest in the Royal Rumble is at an all-time high. Betting lines in Las Vegas have swung wildly and WWE officials are expecting a buy rate that may rival Wrestlemania 28. Plans for Sack of Flour beyond Royal Rumble remain sketchy, but it is believed she will challenge AJ Lee for the Divas belt at Wrestlemania. The match will be built upon the real-life feud between the two as Lee’s real-life boyfriend, CM Punk, has been seen with Sack Of Flour at a Chicago Blackhawks game.

Sack of Flour’s departure leaves a gaping hole in the already-depleted Knockouts division. Sack of Flour leaves behind Gail Kim, Lei’D Tapa, ODB, and Joseph Park’s half-eaten Filet-O-Fish sandwich. When asked for comment on letting the contract lapse, TNA President Dixie Carter  inexplicably spun the Wheel of Dixie. When it stopped she said, “It’s a Monster’s Ball match, ya’ll!”

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
26 Responses to "Headlies: Sack Of Flour Jumps Ship And Joins WWE"
  1. Down With OPC says:

    I wonder if Sack of Flour will be on season 2 of Total Divas?

  2. Bone White says:

    Well at least it was a sack of flour and not a sack of sh…………..

  3. Eddie Mac says:

    Sack of Flour probably won’t win, but I guarantee it gets to the final four.

  4. AK says:

    Well it looks like AJ Lee will have to wait at least another year to win the Slammy for best Diva. Poor girl can’t catch a break.

    What do we call fans of the Sack of Flour? Sackies?

  5. Sir Thomas says:

    Sack of Flour’s expected to have a few decent matches, then spend the rest of her year-long contract floundering about while Vince and company hyperfocus on The Bellas some more.

  6. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Sack of Flour won’t last once they realise it has more charisma and personality than Nipple H…

  7. Ed Grunyon says:

    mmmm, all that flour, getting all over 30 half-naked men, all grinding on each other, one with a beard screaming “YES! YES! YES!”…I mean…

  8. Ed Grunyon says:

    But seriously, going back to the days of WWF No Mercy for the N64, who wouldn’t want a six-foot tall sack of flour as DLC for WWE 2K14? It would make Universe mode entertaining, tonight on Super RAW, John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. a Sack of Flour. That’s a five star (video game) classic in the making right there.

  9. ScroogeMcSuck says:

    Does Sack of Flour even know how to work WWE Style?

  10. John C says:

    A tearful Jeff Hardy was seen holding a straw in one hand while rubbing his nose repeatedly with the other saying, “Wait don’t go just yet, I have a match with Sting coming up!!!!!!!!”

    Meanwhile prankster Randy Orton was seen wolfing down a tray of enchiladas to prepare himself for his special initiation to the WWE newcomer.

  11. Jeremy says:

    Betting odds on who sleeps with Sack of Flour first, C.M. Punk or Batista?

  12. CBCB says:

    You know, I think Big E Langston’s had a thing going on with Sack of Flour for a while now. I mean, check out his hands whenever he claps before a match…

  13. Thomas Moffatt says:

    It could have a feud with someone on the roster with a wheat intolerance – JBL would pretty priceless calling that…

  14. Mr Maddog says:

    Too bad they change Sack of Flour’s name to Powder Bag for the NXT debut.

  15. Felicity says:

    I misread the third suggested Headlie as “Fans Hold Candlelight Virgil for CM Punk”

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