Headlies: RVD Utterly Confused By His Appearance On Raw

8 Submitted by on Mon, 27 May 2013, 07:00


Los Angeles, CA – Former WWE and TNA Superstar Rob Van Dam was utterly confused while watching the Paul Heyman segment on Monday Night Raw last week.

When Paul Heyman revealed his newest client was the son of Mr. Perfect, Curt Axel, RVD stared at his television for several minutes in confused silence. After several years wrestling in TNA, many fans, including Van Dam himself, had speculated that he would return to the WWE after it was announced that Paul Heyman would be taking on a new client.

“Wait, is that me on TV?” asked a red-eyed Van Dam as Heyman introduced Axel. “I mean, I read on the internet that I was coming back, so that has to be me. Why would the internet be wrong about something? It was trending on Twitter! But if that’s me, then am I really on this couch right now? If I’m me…and that’s me…whoa, I think I just made a fact! I don’t remember having a beard though,” said RVD while rubbing his face and sweeping cookie crumbs off his shirt.

Van Dam’s confusion was interrupted by a knock on his door. His friends, simply known as ‘Doober’ and ‘Captain Howdy’ arrived with food to watch Raw. As Van Dam’s house filled with an odd-smelling smoke, the trio tried to come up with an explanation as to why RVD wasn’t at the event. “I’m pretty sure that’s not you, dude,” coughed the dreadlocked Doober. “That’s what’s his name? Michael McGuilla…McGuilla…Magilla Gorilla or something.”

“Man, you got to relax and have some snackage,” said Captain Howdy. “I brought Doritos Loco Tacos and some Loco Tacos Doritos. Mix ’em together. It’ll blow your mind!”

The good times came to an abrupt halt when former Superstar Shawn Stasiak knocked at the door. “Hey, Rob! It’s me, Shawn. I thought maybe you can look at some of my matches and give me some tips. I brought some Fresca!”

The group quickly shut off all the lights and laid on the floor until Stasiak left 20 minutes later.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
8 Responses to "Headlies: RVD Utterly Confused By His Appearance On Raw"
  1. Bastard1 says:

    Someone make RVD’s stoner flick RIGHT NOW.

  2. Thomas Moffatt says:

    When asked why he smokes “substances” RVD confirmed it was because back in the WWE it was the only way to make Nipple H more bearable…

  3. Raven7309 says:

    If this wasn’t the perfect oppportunity to bring back RVD and celebrity guest hosts Cheech and Chong, I don’t know what was. 😛

  4. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Magilla Gorilla reference, FTW!

  5. Sir Thomas says:

    Why do I imagine RVD hanging out at the Quickstop singing “Berzerker” all of a sudden?

  6. Neuronin says:

    The Photoshop job on this image is terrible. There’s no way RVD has the presence of mind to remember paper towels while he’s performing the “Five Course Frog Snack”.

  7. Porter "Budsgrand" Sultzbaugh says:

    RVD sings……
    I was gonna do a five star splash until I got high
    I was gonna get up and van-terminate but then I got high
    My match is still messed up and I know why
    ‘Cause I got high
    ‘Cause I got high
    ‘Cause I got high

  8. Brian Kraemer says:

    “The group quickly shut off all the lights and laid on the floor until Stasiak left 20 minutes later.”

    *slow clap*

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