Headlies: Rusev Replaces Rouseff As President Of Brazil

4 Submitted by on Mon, 23 May 2016, 08:00


Brasilia, Brazil – In an incredible turn of events that will have repercussions throughout the world, the people of Brazil have chosen WWE Superstar Rusev to replace their current president Dilma Rousseff.

Rousseff’s ousting, after once boasting an 80% approval rating, came after impeachment hearings due to economic woes and government corruption. Brazil’s future was thrown into uncertainty after the news until Rusev decided to step in.

“I keep hearing “Rousseff do this, Rousseff do that” coming from the television box news strumpets,” said Rusev from the Palacio de Planalto. “So I say to Lana, “Let us teach these Brazil nuts what Rusev actually do!”

Rusev’s unexpected rise to power came after he and his manager/fiance Lana road through the streets of Sao Paolo on the same tank he used at Wrestlemania 31. Rusev then put several corrupt elected officials The Accolade submission hold until they confessed their crimes. After his actions appeared on international television, Rusev was quickly voted into office after an emergency election was called.

Currently, Rusev’s approval rating is at whopping 96% while Lana’s is at an unfathomable 154%.

In Rusev’s first week in office, Brazil’s economy has vastly improved, trade is up, crime is down, and things look to improve further after his first Presidential address.

“I, Rusev, the Bulgarian Brute, am here to fix your puny country,” said Brazil in front of a crowd of 100,000 spectators. “I crush crime. I smash poor roads. I put poor education system into submission hold. US Championship now Brazil Championship. Most importantly, I will destroy that Yankee Doodle dork of a dog John Cena!”

Chants of “Rusev!” rang through the Brazilian air at the promise of the new President destroying WWE Superstar John Cena and making him drink the sewage-filled water of the Rio de Janeiro.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
4 Responses to "Headlies: Rusev Replaces Rouseff As President Of Brazil"
  1. John C says:

    Meanwhile back at The Hall of Doom the reunited League of Nations held a evil meeting to discuss evil plans of being evil. However at The Hall of Justice, John Cena and Gleek spy on the nefarious evil doers and hatch a plan to stop their evilish evil ways once and for all. Spoiler Alert: Cena beats them up by himself. He and Gleek fling their feces at the fallen prey. A winking Cena turns to Gleek and says, “Boy am I pooped out after that.” They embrace, the end.

  2. Geoff says:

    Where is Dr. Horrible when you need him? I’m sure he, Moist and Bad Horse can do something about it.

    (cowboy singers) Bad horse. Bad horse.
    Bad horse
    bad horse.
    He rides across the country
    This thoroughbred of sin
    He got the application you just sent in

    It needs evaluation
    So let the games begin
    A heinous crime, a show of force
    A murder would be nice, of course

    Cowboy 1 (talking) Disclaimer: Bad horse has stepped down as the Evil League of Evil, evil head, either temporarily or permanently. Dr. Horrible has stepped in to be either a temporary or permanent evil head to fill his shoes for the time being. So for the time being, change the name from Bad Horse to Dr. Horrible.

    The Evil League of Evil
    Is watching, so beware
    The grade that you receive
    Will be your last, we swear

    So make the Bad Horse gleeful
    Or he’ll make you his mare . . .

    Get saddled up
    There’s no recourse
    It’s Hi-Ho Silver
    Signed Bad Horse (crossed out, Dr. Horrible’s name is put in)

    And Capt. Hammer in the meantime is still on the couch sucking his thumb and whimpering to his counselor.

  3. The Doctor of Style says:

    Sad to say, the coup d’etat in Brazil might as well be called the Brasilia Screwjob.

  4. MistaMaddog says:

    Hope Rusev don’t get banned along with Team Russia for breaking Wellness Policy…

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