Headlies: Randy Orton Puts Himself In A Headlock To Speed Up His Recovery

7 Submitted by on Mon, 26 September 2016, 08:00



St. Louis, MO – An injured Randy Orton has discovered a new way to help speed up his recovery time and return to the ring sooner than expected.

Orton has been out of action ever since suffering a concussion at the hands of Brock Lesnar at Backlash. The road to recovery has been long and arduous for the Viper.

“I thought I tried everything,” said Orton. “Physical therapy, meditation, acupuncture, alternative medicine, aroma therapy, homeopathic medicine, herbal teas, sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber,  consulting the mystical shamans in the far reaches of Tibet, drinking a whole bunch of expired YJ Stingers. Nothing was working.”

“I began to lose hope,” he continued slowly and methodically for no reason. “Thanks to the love of my family, I persevered. I knew I couldn’t let my fan down. I looked deep within myself and realized that I had the solution all along!”

Orton then sat on the floor and proceeded to wrap his arm around his throat, giving himself a headlock.

“Like the doctors said, I needed to rest, and what better way to rest than with a patented Randy Orton headlock? Mmmm! This is like a day at the spa! It’s how I put my kids to sleep too!” he said proudly.

Officials are hoping that Orton’s headlock method can be applied to other wrestlers in need, including on Finn Balor’s shoulder and Roman Reigns’s personality.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
7 Responses to "Headlies: Randy Orton Puts Himself In A Headlock To Speed Up His Recovery"
  1. Geoff says:

    Makes perfect sense. Tho I don’t think his headlock will help with Reigns personality at all but might help with Balor’s shoulder. Now, take two RKO’s and call me in the morning.

  2. GeneMean says:

    “I knew I couldn’t let my fan down.”


  3. DarthPitch says:

    So, after the headlock, what percent was Randy at? 72 or so?

  4. Gotchism says:

    As a fan of 1950’s wrestling I don’t mind headlocks.

    What I hate is that there’s no psychology or selling any more.

    Someone can have their legs worked over and then jump off the ropes like nothing happened.

    The problem isn’t Orton headlock, it’s that no one sells it as a wear down hold.

    BTW…I’m not the one fan mentioned

  5. Brian Jacobs says:

    As much as I laughed out loud at your great headlies again, a part in me actually wants to see more Orton doing a trek to Tibet like he’s the Batman and meeting the pro wrestling version of Ra Al Ghul, perhaps Kevin Sullivan doing his gimmick in ROH or Vince as the Powers that Be.

    As for Roman’s personality, Orton does hold the answer but not in his headlock. Roman needs to visit…the voices in his head! Roman in the Viper’s head would be something else. Hey there’s a whole WWE Universe still to be explored after all! Keep up the fine funny work!

  6. MistaMaddog says:

    Any further updates from the Randy News Network on the situtation?

  7. whorefinder says:

    It was a headlock OUT OF NOWHERE!

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