Headlies: Paige Drags Alberto Del Rio To Warped Tour

9 Submitted by on Mon, 18 July 2016, 08:00


Holmdel, NJ – WWE Supserstars Paige and Alberto Del Rio spent their entire Sunday at Warped Tour, the annual touring punk rock music festival.

The real-life couple have been searching for things to do together outside of the wrestling world for some time and when the opportunity to see many of her favorite bands, Paige purchased tickets.

Del Rio initially resisted, sighting the fact that he had absolutely no idea who any of the bands were and would probably be mistaken for her father.

The duo arrived at at the PNC Bank Arts Center in Holmdel, New Jersey at 10:30am and stood with a large crowd of teenagers waiting to get in. Paige was swarmed for autographs while Del Rio quietly stood behind her. Del Rio’s anger began to rise, until a group of 15 year old boys approached him.

“Okay boys, one autograph and picture each,” smiled Del Rio.

“What?” said one of the boys. “No, dude. Can you buy us beer?”

Del Rio growled at the group and told Paige he wanted to leave.

Paige, ignoring Del Rio’s displeasure at being dragged to the event, pulled him by the arm as the gates opened. Del Rio stood to the side and watched in bewilderment as groups of young people with hair in all the colors of the rainbow sang along to their favorite bands.

“What is with these bands?” Del Rio asked himself while looking at the lineup. “‘Oceans Ate Alaska’? ‘Bad Seed Rising’? ‘Chunk! No, Captain Chunk!’? What does that even mean?”

Del Rio did find enjoyment watching Paige mosh along to bands like Cruel Hand and Everytime I Die, delivering several devastating Paige-Turners and Ram-Paiges to unsuspecting festival goers. “Si! Si! Si!” he chanted as people were helped by EMTs.

The afternoon took a turn for the worse when Sum 41 hit the stage. Paige pushed her way to the front, leaving Del Rio by himself. A festival organizer approached Del Rio, saying “Sir, could you please come with me?

“What are you talking about?” asked a confused Del Rio.

“We noticed that you are an unaccompanied adult. Warped Tour has a special area for parents who need to wait for their children.” Four large security guards then grabbed Del Rio.

“Get you hands off me!” shouted Del Rio. “She is not my daughter, pendejo! You can’t do this to me! I am a former WWE champion!”

“Yeah, World Heavyweight Champion,” said one of the guards sarcastically.

Del Rio was then dragged to the special tent marked “Reverse Daycare”. He sat down in a lawn chair, surrounded by parents reading TIME magazine and drinking Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

Del Rio opened his phone and launched the Pokemon Go app which promptly froze, forcing him to restart his phone.

“Lousy perros,” Del Rio muttered to himself. “This never would have happened at Ozzfest.”

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
9 Responses to "Headlies: Paige Drags Alberto Del Rio To Warped Tour"
  1. Chris says:

    I never thought I’d see a Chunk! No, Captain Chunk! reference in a Wrestlecrap article. I love those guys and I’ve met and seen them perform a bunch of times!

  2. John C says:

    This relationship has a true Tromeo and Juliet feeling to it. If only Lemmy were still around to narrate it also.

  3. S1mon86 says:

    I couldn’t have been the only one that thought of Diamond Dallas Paige when clicking on this article

  4. Geoff says:

    A Bad Seed Rising mention. Dude I’m stoked. In the end tho, do they live happily ever after like in Tangled or Frozen? I bet they even broke into a Broadway or Disney song once they left because they felt so bad, singing always makes people feel good. I bet it was a song like “Sunrise Sunset” or “One Day More”. Nope, has to be something from “Kinky Boots” I think.

  5. RD Reynolds says:

    Wish I could post the first ever GIF of the Week here, where Paige is doing some goofy thing and Austin looks at her like, “URGE TO STUNNER RISING…”

  6. Raging_Demons says:

    You forgot the part of Paige and Del Rio walking around in people’s trash while watching Thetruth.com do some really bad Singled Out parody. That’s what I got from my Warped Tour Experience. Well that and meeting The Party Master himself Andrew WK

  7. CP says:

    I would’ve figured some time in the sun would’ve helped but alas, poor Paige is still as gray as a ghost…;)

  8. Gabriel Benson says:

    pendejo! that was my favorite line great work

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