Headlies: Orange Cassidy Celebrates Thanksgiving With His Family Or Something

3 Submitted by on Mon, 02 December 2019, 08:00

Citrus County, FL – All Elite Wrestling star Orange Cassidy traveled back home to celebrate Thanksgiving with his family or something like that.

Arriving at his humble childhood home, Cassidy was greeted with a casual fist-bump by his father, Pear Cassidy. His younger brother Grape and sister Strawberry lovingly gave Orange a head-nod as the family dog Honeydew wagged his tail exactly twice. Orange’s mother Mango, overcome with joy, put her hand on her son’s shoulder. Even Granny Durian Cassidy was happy to see Orange, giving him a weak “‘Sup?”

Prior to eating, the family played their traditional football game in the backyard. The game lasted one play before the family just kind of wandered off.

The holiday meal began whenever family members felt like coming to the table. Forgoing grace, the Cassidys shrugged in indifference and began eating their meal. Rather than having turkey and stuffing, Mango Cassidy microwaved Hot Pockets, leaving the middle slightly cold. She also served a medley of potato chip crumbs that were at the bottom of several bags. To drink, the family had Sunny Delight. For dessert, Hostess Cupcakes were eaten in cool silence.

At the end of the night, Orange suggested they should all do it again or whatever for Christmas. His family collectively said “I dunno” and turned all the lights out in the house. Standing on the porch in total darkness, Cassidy gave a slight smile. He then began his leisurely stroll to AEW’s next event.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
3 Responses to "Headlies: Orange Cassidy Celebrates Thanksgiving With His Family Or Something"
  1. John C says:

    Congratulations, you actually did something I thought impossible make that shitstain seem entertaining. You probably fleshed out more character than the AEW writers have done with this pus filled pimple on a wart’s ass. I tried so hard to support the product, got all the pay per views, watched the first month of shows but just can’t do it anymore because of this turd. This terrible gimmick, The Librarians, every tag team match being the same potential trainwreck, a Lights Out Match that is most likely still going on. I liked 70% of the things they do but the crappy stuff is so unbearably bad I can’t even DVR and fast forward through the lame junk. I hate to sound all Cornette about them because there is good stuff but just not for me anymore.

  2. MrMaddog says:

    Why did I imagine them all as Strawberry Shortcake characters?

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