Headlies: Officials Warn of Phony Doink Sightings at Independent Shows

12 Submitted by on Mon, 03 October 2016, 16:47


Public officials across the United States have begun warning local residents about the uptick in Doink the Clown impostors inhabiting the independent wrestling scene.

On the weekend of Saturday, October 1 alone, an estimated 37 individuals across the country elected to ply their trade as ‘Doink the Clown’, a popular wrestling character from the World Wrestling Federation in the 1990s, originally played by journeyman grappler Matt Borne. Of the 37 sterile-minded, imagination-devoid wrestlers, it is believed that all of them preyed on the wallets of naive fans without making it clear that they weren’t the authentic Doink the Clown himself.

“One of those phonies was in the parking lot, and I saw him start walking right up to an eight-year-old boy,” revealed an anonymous wrestler, who took part on a show this past Saturday in Wisconsin. “If I didn’t begin walking up to the child myself, that fake Doink would have certainly taken advantage of him, probably would’ve charged $25 for a picture and autograph. I mean, that’s just sick. Who would do such a thing?”

Officials worry that stories such as this will have a ‘Streisand effect’, and lead to pranksters dressing as Doink the Clown themselves, thus undermining the serious nature of these unfortunate occurrences.

“It’s bad enough that there’s one seventh-rate clown working our local events,” laments a New Jersey promoter, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “But now you’re likely going to see multiple Doinks working the shows, and it just dilutes what was already an exhausted character.

“I think if you can’t even make a credible balloon-animal, then you should leave the grease paint at home, and work under a different gimmick. Stop ripping off the fans, because it’s not funny.”

It remains unclear if law enforcement could potentially intervene in the event of an impostor Doink imposing his charlatan will on fans too ignorant to know better. Parents attending independent wrestling events with their kids are advised to use discretion, and stick close to their children during intermission should “Doink” be lurking.

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)
12 Responses to "Headlies: Officials Warn of Phony Doink Sightings at Independent Shows"
  1. John C says:

    Veteran circus performer and part time indy wrestler, Joe Kerr who has won the XWFZBRLQTRBSWYZ Hardcore Championship 37 times said on a Facebook post, “It’s a real shame when people try to rip off others with such a cheap gimmick. Clownin’ ain’t easy.” He and 17 of his co-workers piled into his car and headed to their next show.

  2. Gold Standard says:

    I remember working a show one time in Louisiana and Dusty Wolfe (who was officially license to use Doink) was booked to play Doink. There was an armed security officer at the show who was very afraid of clowns. Dusty knew the officer was afraid of clowns, but the officer didn’t know that Dusty was playing Doink. DustyDoink came out from the curtain with a squirt gun and chased the officer out of the building and down the street. Dusty finally stopped though when the officer pulled his pistol from the holster.

    The officer didn’t come back. It was a great rib, but almost got Dusty shot.

  3. John C says:

    Sergeant Buddy Lee Parker would have kicked some Dusty ass in public if you weel.
    Dustydoink may be the best name ever.

  4. CF says:

    Here’s an idea: Re-enact WCW’s _World War 3_ PPV, but using 60 Doink impersonators. Last man standing gets to be “the Real Doink”.

    We could even call it a “3-Ring Circus”…. >;)

  5. Geoff says:

    So wasn’t WWIII a 40 man battle royale with three rings. 3 ring circus sounds fun. Get pinned or eliminated in the first ring you become a Black Scorpion. Get eliminated in the second ring, you become a patriot. Get eliminated in the third ring, you become one of many Doinks. Last man standing gets to keep the job of being the primary doink (Dustydoink if you will) and get handed the official title belt of: Doink World Champion. I’m in!

  6. John C says:

    Then the lights in the arena went out and when they turned back on in the ring stood The Midnight Rider Dustydoink over the unconcious Doink. M.R.D.D. left the ring with the Doink belt and mounted his steed Chauncy and rode off into the sunset.

  7. Don says:

    Actually, multiple Doinks really was a problem once – I think somebody was working the indy circuit as Doink, and Vince made it clear that only Matt Osborne could be Doink (in what may have been one of the earliest cases of intentionally breaking kayfabe)

  8. Felicity says:

    In the words of Macho Man Randy Savage: “There’s two Doinks!!!”

leave a comment