Headlies: Oakland Raiders Sign Brie Bella As Their New Kicker

3 Submitted by on Mon, 01 October 2018, 08:00

Oakland, CA – In a surprise move, the Oakland Raiders announced this morning that they have signed WWE Superstar Brie Bella to a three-year contract as their new kicker.

“I was going over tape from last night’s game and crying softly in the dark, when I heard the TV in the other room,” said Raiders coach Jon Gruden. “My son was watching Brie’s match. I told him to do ten laps and hit the showers. We have any lazy goldbrickers in this house. I need 110% intensity at all times. Before turning off the TV and spiking the remote, I saw Brie’s incredibly powerful kicks and had an epiphany. That’s what great coaches like me have, by the way. Epiphanies. She will be our new kicker. We will cross the 50-yard line and just go for field goals!”

Bella made headlines this past week after accidentally concussing Liv Morgan with a series of brutal kicks to the face. While many worried about Bella’s recent spat of errors in the ring, the NFL coach saw opportunity.

“The season hasn’t gone the way we would have liked, but there’s still time to turn it around,” said Gruden as he refreshed Twitter to see if he had been fired yet. “As a former one-time Super Bowl winner, I obviously have a good eye for talent. Under my guidance, Brie Bella can be the new ‘Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon!’”

“I am incredibly honored and excited to bring ‘Brie Mode’ to Oakland,” said Bella. “No balls will remain un-kicked as long as I have something to say about it!”

“I have the utmost confidence in Brie and Coach Gruden,” said Raiders owner Mark Davis while packing his bags for Las Vegas. “I was right about JaMarcus Russell and I’m right about Brie Bella.”

Bella joins the team this week in-between Monday Night Raw, house shows, filming Total Bellas, raising her daughter, and grooming her husband Daniel Bryan.

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
3 Responses to "Headlies: Oakland Raiders Sign Brie Bella As Their New Kicker"
  1. John C says:

    Since the posting of the article, three holders have been put on injured reserve after receiving accidental kicks in the head from Brie. Future Oakland holders have opted out of a deal hoping the team goes to tee mode instead.

  2. Acolyte of Glorious La Parka~ says:

    Doesn’t football ALREADY have enough concussions?

  3. Jim says:

    I’d like to congratulate Brie on moving to the most highly rated Monday night program on television…

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