Headlies: No One In The Back Wants To Help CM Punk

4 Submitted by on Tue, 27 August 2013, 19:00


Phoenix, AZ – During a vicious beatdown at the hands of Paul Heyman and Curtis Axel, it became abundantly clear that no one in the back wants to help CM Punk.

As the assault on the handcuffed CM Punk continued on live television for several agonizing minutes, no one from the locker room deemed it necessary to come out and save the former WWE Champion. Shot after brutal shot from a Singapore cane rained down upon Punk with no end in sight.

“I was in the back at the catering table, enjoying those delicious cheese cubes they sometimes have” said Big Show. “I was in no shape to go out there. You ever try running with about 100 pieces of sharp cheddar and a gallon of milk in your stomach?”

Punk’s former tag team partner and “road wife” Kofi Kingston was also noticeably absent. “I totally would have helped him, but I was in the middle of an intense game of Angry Birds. It’s not like my phone has a pause button.”

Even some of the under-utilized talent failed to come to Punk’s aid. “What am I supposed to do,” said JTG. “If I go out there, one of the McMahons might see me and realize I’m still employed. I just couldn’t risk it. Sorry, homie. Ch’yeah!” JTG then hid inside dumpster when he thought he heard Stephanie McMahon’s voice.

Asked if WWE plans to take any legal action against Heyman and Axel, Vince McMahon leaned back in his chair, thought for a moment, and replied, “Nah.”

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
4 Responses to "Headlies: No One In The Back Wants To Help CM Punk"
  1. Adam Hong says:

    A JTG sighting! I lol’d. I’ve never seen any of his matches whatsoever and I find it hilariously sad that JTG’s ranked 190 on the PWI 500. Maybe they’re ranking him on how resilient he is in remaining contracted?

  2. Sir Thomas says:

    JTG’s world hide-and-seek championship reign continues.

  3. Big Jim says:

    Good to see that you guys remember the Headlies past better than WWE remembers storyline from a week before. The JTG hiding from McMahons was one of my favorites and to see it make a “cameo” in this one? Priceless.

  4. Joe T says:

    In Big Shows defense, it is hard to run when you’ve eaten a bunch of cheese squares. I wonder how many trays he could kill off? JTG did work a dark match against Kofi in Anaheim after SummerSlam. Which put him very near Stephanie’s talk with Daniel Bryan, bet that was intense for him. You think he whispered to Kofi “Hey man let’s take this home fast, I gotta hide”. Heyman was just trying to show Punk what tough love is about, I’m sure the rest of the roster understood that. Better go buy a Singapore cane to teach some of my own lessons, I’ll claim “I learned it from you Paul”.

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