0 Submitted by on Thu, 27 December 2012, 13:18

Text by Justin Henry; Photoshoppery by RD Reynolds
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By RD Reynolds

Lafayette, LA – The crowd at tonight’s WWE Raw taping had a most unexpected visitor: Director of SHIELD, Nick Fury.

Best known to the world as the man who was the brains behind the formation of the superhero group known as The Avengers, Fury explained to us that he wasn’t at the event to find out what was going to happen next with John Cena and AJ Lee or to see if Miz could somehow be worse as a babyface than he was a heel. No, the super spy had an ulterior motive.

“I had heard about a new version of SHIELD,” Fury said, “and I had to find out what they would be doing at a pro wrestling match. Besmirching our good name is something I couldn’t allow to happen. But when I saw the three men who called themselves by my group’s name…man…I couldn’t believe my eye.”

The trio Fury observed were WWE Superstars Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and Roman Reigns, who had recently made a name for themselves at the WWE Surivor Series PPV and then the following night on Raw as a group called The Shield.

For his part, Fury was unimpressed.

“When I started SHIELD,” Fury continued, “there was an idea to bring together a group of remarkable people, so when we needed them, they could fight the battles that we never could. The only battle those three look like they could fight is deciding whether I needed paper or plastic when they bag my groceries. It would be like David Hasselhoff playing me in a movie. It would be like me starting up The Avengers and replacing Iron Man, Hulk, Captain America, Thor, Black Widow, and Hawkeye with Submariner, 3D Man, Cypher, Stilt Man, Jubliee and Howard the Duck.”

“Horrible,” Fury stated as he slowly shook his head, “just horrible.”

When informed that the WWE group had recently been pummeling fellow wrestler Ryback, Fury scoffed. “I’ve seen that Ryback guy. Sure, he’s big, but seriously, what super powers does he have? Can he run through a wall like Rhino? Does he throw pumpkin bombs like The Green Goblin? You ever seen Magneto? If these guys beat Thanos up, then I’d be impressed.”

“Beating up some guy that spends all his time telling folks how hungry he is isn’t impressive,” Fury concluded. “I saw Hulk do that at a soup kitchen once. No idea why, Banner is usually a guy who wouldn’t do something like that. I think Thor must’ve given him some spiked mead from Asgard or something.”

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