Headlies: Mojo Rawley Celebrates The Fourth of July

3 Submitted by on Fri, 04 July 2014, 08:00


Alexandria, VA – Current NXT Superstar Mojo Rawley celebrated the 4th of July in his typical “hyped” fashion.

Rawley awoke at dawn and immediately said both the Pledge of Allegiance and the Star-Spangled Banner while staring unblinkingly at himself in the mirror. Satisfied, Rawley had his usual breakfast of orange juice, Jolt Cola, 5-Hour Energy, raw coffee beans, 2 cinnamon buns, a bowl of Cookie Crisp, and a pound of bacon. He then ran in place several miles while screaming the entire score of “Cats”, drawing several bangs on the wall from his next door neighbor.

Sorry, Jerry! I just get so hyped over Andrew Lloyd Webber!” yelled Rawley before belting out the last few notes of “Memory”.

The former Arizona Cardinals defensive lineman spent a good portion of the day shopping for his 4th of July celebration. After picking up food at Sam’s Club and party supplies at Dollar Tree, Rawley drove across town in his red, white, and blue Hummer to pick up over $200 worth of fireworks.

America!” screamed Rawley as he shot several Black Cats through his sun roof.

As the sun began to set, Rawley’s party was in full swing. Rawley grilled several pounds of various animals while his guests entertained themselves with games such as “Pin The Tail On The Rawley” and “Duck, Duck, Mojo”.

This is for Benjamin Franklin, baseball, and bald eagles!” yelled Rawley before eating five hot dogs in under a minute.

The good times came to a halt as the Bulgarian Brute Rusev and the Ravishing Russian Lana arrived at the party uninvited.

Rawley stepped up to the two and said, “Hey, this is America. Land of the free. Home of the Atlanta Braves. I don’t care that you’re a pinkie commie son-of-a-gun from Bul-ga-ria. As long as you brought a side dish to this here party, you’re welcome. Just leave that sissy Putin talk at the door, lady.”

Rusev and Lana walked to their car as Rawley frowned. His frown turned to a large grin as the two returned carrying a large bowl of gazpacho and a bottle of something labeled “Monastic Kvass”.

You’re alright, you red weirdos,” said Rawley. “Now let’s blow some stuff up with fireworks and get hyped!”

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
3 Responses to "Headlies: Mojo Rawley Celebrates The Fourth of July"
  1. John C says:

    The picture is the after effect from too much of the said Bacon Crisp Cola combination.

  2. Stephen says:

    I love Mojo. 🙂 This needs to be a vignette as soon as possible.

  3. Emerson Witner says:

    I could totally see Mojo doing this

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