Headlies: Man Goes Bankrupt After Betting on Wrestlemania

15 Submitted by on Fri, 11 April 2014, 08:00


Silicon Valley, CA – Garret Dorsey, a 33 year-old app developer, officially declared bankruptcy following a series of poorly-made bets on the outcome of Wrestlemania matches.

Dorsey, an avid wrestling fan and wearer of fedoras, had placed several high-wager bets through various gambling websites, each one a loser. After declaring bankruptcy, the bank foreclosed on Dorsey’s house and several companies began repossessing many of his personal items.

“I don’t understand it. I thought I made all the right moves,” said Dorsey as men from Darsow’s Repo Company removed items from his house. “I checked all the dirt sheets, all the message boards. I was sure Tamina Snuka was going to win that Divas match. I was sure Batista was going to beat Daniel Bryan and Randy Orton. I even put $50,000 on Sting showing up.”

Dorsey leaned on his $1.2 million Hennesy Venom GT complete with leopard-fur interior and 10-point butt-massager seats. He peeled off the “Ron Paul For President 2008” sticker before the tow truck driver sped off. “Ugh, now I’m going to have to take the bus like some sort of plebeian.”

“And what was that deal with Brock Lesnar winning?! Undertaker was a sure bet. A sure bet!” Dorsey shouted, causing one of the repo men to drop his ‘Who Is John Galt?’ collector’s plates.

“You know who I blame for this?” Dorsey asked to no one in particular. “Big government. They clearly got to Vince McMahon. Always keeping small businesses down. They just need to let the free market decide if Undertaker should still have the streak or not. Oh, and California should be split into 6 different states.

“At least I still have 1 Bitcoin which is worth like $400,” he said, checking his cell phone. “Ok, now it’s worth $312. Now it’s $110. I’m going to stop checking now. At least I still have my old Huffy bicycle.

Dorsey was unaware that a sneaky man clad in a trench coat and mask had stolen his bicycle several hours earlier, cackling manically as he peddled down the street.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
15 Responses to "Headlies: Man Goes Bankrupt After Betting on Wrestlemania"
  1. Thomas Moffatt says:

    I’m surprised he didn’t bet on The Miz to win the battle royal…

  2. RD Reynolds says:


  3. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:


  4. Joseph Newberry says:

    He bet on Cena turning heel and joining Bray Wyatt after he lost that match, too. It seemed like such a sure thing, since faces were going to be winning all the other matches.

  5. John C says:

    Darrow Repo Company awesome. When I read that sites actual take bets on wrestling I wondered what moron would actually do this. And then I wondered why Vince wouldn’t have someone bet for him and clean out each site since he controls the outcome. Now I’m starting a gambling site which only takes bets on movie fights. I’ll be wiping out some marks on the finish of the first Rocky movie.

  6. Scrooge McSuck says:

    Awesome repo Man reference at the end. 😛

  7. Raven7309 says:

    “Darsow’s Repo Company”. ‘Nuff said!! 😀

  8. Autrach Sejanoz says:

    The last sentence is the icing on the cake. Brilliant work, Jordan!

  9. Downtown OPC says:

    I wonder if TNA pays their talent in Bitcoin.

  10. Nickety-split says:

    But he bet on Bryan making it to the triple threat and that worked! Surely that should have got him at least $500,000 for the government to repossess.

    • TheLegendMaker says:

      This would have been the case if the bookmaker had not told him to get back on the bus with the rest of the nut jobs on visit to town that day.

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