Silicon Valley, CA – Garret Dorsey, a 33 year-old app developer, officially declared bankruptcy following a series of poorly-made bets on the outcome of Wrestlemania matches.
Dorsey, an avid wrestling fan and wearer of fedoras, had placed several high-wager bets through various gambling websites, each one a loser. After declaring bankruptcy, the bank foreclosed on Dorsey’s house and several companies began repossessing many of his personal items.
“I don’t understand it. I thought I made all the right moves,” said Dorsey as men from Darsow’s Repo Company removed items from his house. “I checked all the dirt sheets, all the message boards. I was sure Tamina Snuka was going to win that Divas match. I was sure Batista was going to beat Daniel Bryan and Randy Orton. I even put $50,000 on Sting showing up.”
Dorsey leaned on his $1.2 million Hennesy Venom GT complete with leopard-fur interior and 10-point butt-massager seats. He peeled off the “Ron Paul For President 2008” sticker before the tow truck driver sped off. “Ugh, now I’m going to have to take the bus like some sort of plebeian.”
“And what was that deal with Brock Lesnar winning?! Undertaker was a sure bet. A sure bet!” Dorsey shouted, causing one of the repo men to drop his ‘Who Is John Galt?’ collector’s plates.
“You know who I blame for this?” Dorsey asked to no one in particular. “Big government. They clearly got to Vince McMahon. Always keeping small businesses down. They just need to let the free market decide if Undertaker should still have the streak or not. Oh, and California should be split into 6 different states.
“At least I still have 1 Bitcoin which is worth like $400,” he said, checking his cell phone. “Ok, now it’s worth $312. Now it’s $110. I’m going to stop checking now. At least I still have my old Huffy bicycle.
Dorsey was unaware that a sneaky man clad in a trench coat and mask had stolen his bicycle several hours earlier, cackling manically as he peddled down the street.