Headlies: “Losses Now Count As Wins” Declares Vince McMahon

13 Submitted by on Mon, 25 April 2016, 08:00


Hartford, CT – In the weekly pre-Raw staff meeting, WWE CEO Vince McMahon made a stunning announcement that will change sports entertainment forever.

“WWE needs a new shot of adrenaline and I’m about to give it a lethal dose,” said McMahon, sporting a large green hat with a “10/6” note on it. “WWE used to be much more…muchier. It has lost it’s muchiness. When things aren’t working, you do the opposite, right? Well, from now own, losses will now count as wins in the WWE!”

The staff shot concerned looks to each other.

“Um, what do you mean dad, asked Stephanie McMahon.

“Great question, Alice!” said McMahon with a wild gleam in his eyes. “AJ Styles lost at Wrestlemania and is now challenging for the WWE World Heavyweight title. The New Day lost at Wrestlemania and they’re still champions. Shane lost and he’s hosted Raw multiple times!  Losing is the new winning! Now everyone change places!”

The group quickly shot out of their seats, frantically running to another seat in the room in order to please their mercurial boss.

“Sorry, folks. I have to run. I’m late for a very important date,” said Triple H while checking his pocketwatch.

“The giant white rabbit is right!” hollered McMahon while pouring himself some tea. “We need to get the word out about the new, fantabulous, schmantastic, tip, top, testaculacular WWE!”

McMahon pointed to Pat Patterson and Jerry Brisco, saying “Tweedledee and Tweedledum, you tell the Queen of Hearts that losses are now wins! Wrestling matters! Cross the line! Change places!”

The weary staff members scrambled around the room to find new places with several people scrambling over the large oak wood conference table.

“Sorry, giant talking doorknob,” said McMahon. “You were the last one to change places. I’m going to have to give you a good twisting!”

Executive Vice President of Television Production Kevin Dunn was soon rushed to the urological wing at Hartford Hospital for emergency surgery.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
13 Responses to "Headlies: “Losses Now Count As Wins” Declares Vince McMahon"
  1. John C says:

    ‘Y’all hear that fellers mah plan fir TNA is fool proof now. Cuz nobody knows how to lose more than me, Dixie Carter. And call up Jeff Jarrett and tell him I will buy some of those Karatbars.”

  2. Geoff says:

    Johnny Depp (as Mad Hatter): “Now take the red pill and go down the WWE rabbit hole. Take the blue pill and pretend like this conversation never took place except in that alternate reality. Something having to do with machines and humans. Drink the caffenated tea and grow up to be like Vince McMahon. Eat the non caffenated tea and grow down to be (insert opposite personality here). And when you wake up, you’ll be in that same mirror spot where the Ultimate Warrior was standing when he was stalking the Hulkster. There is no antidote and we haven’t figured out yet how to get it all back to normal just go for the ride and it’ll come up all black roses and doves crying in the end. I miss Prince already!” (sheds a giant hat shaped tear but quickly lightens up and smiles brightly when Alice comes walking up the path)

    Kevin Dunn (from hospital bed) By jove, Mr. I think you are onto something there. (whimpers alone in the bed) Owwwwwww…

  3. Jimbolian says:

    The last paragraph had me howling.

  4. Gotchism For Life says:

    Oh man…oh man…that was hilarious…I mean, I don’t have to words to do it justice. Very creative, very funny and as Jimbolian said…last paragraph had me howling too.

  5. Vince B says:

    This means the Social Outcasts are on a lengthy winning streak!

  6. Alexandru says:

    Sadly I could completely believe that Vince would do this. Vince going down the rabbit hole would be good for a laugh

  7. Raven7309 says:

    So does this also mean that Vinny Mac’s whitewashing of pro wrestling’s history and omitting certain wrestlers (HH and CB) from WWE’s history can be attributed to his magic hat?

  8. MistaMaddog says:

    When logic and storylines
    Have fallen slowly dead
    And Micheal Cole is talking backwards
    And Stephanie’s off with her head
    Remember what Vinny Mac said
    “Feed them Reins, feed them Reins”

  9. Doc 902714 says:

    “Great question, Alice!”

    “ALICE. ALICE. Who the F**K is ALICE?

  10. Sean O says:

    Made me think of this almost instantly!



  11. CF says:

    Sid Vicious would like a word with you….

    “Reynolds, Alvarez, you magnificent bastards, I READ YOUR *BOOK*!”


leave a comment