Headlies: Kane Sues Finn Balor for “Demon” Infringement

8 Submitted by on Mon, 19 September 2016, 08:00


Dover, DE – The trial of the century began today in a Deleware courthouse as WWE Superstar and Director of Operations Kane sues former WWE Universal Champion Finn Balor for gimmick, copyright, and “Demon” infringement.

The scene was tense inside of the court house as Kane, who was representing himself, addressed the court. He looked at Balor, then at the judge, before addressing the jury directly.

“My friends. Over the coming weeks and months, I intend to show that the defendant, Mr. Balor, knowingly and willingly used the “Demon” moniker, in direct conflict with my copyrighted usage of the name,” said Kane. “His elaborate entrance, his usage of the colors black and red, and his one-day reign as champion are all directly stolen from my career. Ladies and gentleman of the jury, you will see how this theft of my name and image has adversely affected my job, my livelihood, and my personal health. Please make the right decision.”

Balor’s court-appointed lawyer, former WWE manager Clarence Mason, took his turn addressing the court.

“My defendant, Finn Balor, is innocent of all charges,” said Mason. “If anything, he is guilty of being innocent. He is so incredibly guilty of being innocent that you will be compelled to convict him of his total innocence. The plaintiff, Mr. Kane, has no case. Mr Kane has a scary face. Justice will be served and Mr. Kane will be put in place. Thank you.”

Later in the day, Balor took the stand and was cross-examined by Kane.

“Please state your name for the court,” said Kane, looking over his notes.

“Finn Balor,” he quietly replied.

“You once wrestled under the name ‘Prince Devitt’. Is that correct, Mr. Balor?” asked Kane.

“Yes, I…” started Balor before being interrupted by Kane.

“So you went from Prince to King,” said Kane matter-of-factly. “Where is the documentation for the change? Who agreed to this change? Did Jerry Lawler give you permission to use ‘King’? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Why are they called fingers if they don’t ‘fing’? Who stole the last cookie from the cookie jar? How many lives must you ruin, Mr Balor? We want the truth! You’re not a demon, you’re just a man!”

The judge ordered the court to take a one-hour lunch break. Kane went to a cafe down the street where he enjoyed a turkey club sandwich, potato salad, and an unsweetened ice tea. Balor hid in the courthouse bathroom and cried.

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
8 Responses to "Headlies: Kane Sues Finn Balor for “Demon” Infringement"
  1. John C says:

    Jury members Fake Razor Ramon, Fake Diesel, Fake Doink the Clowns, Fake Black Scorpions, Other Fake Kane all listened intently and wished to themselves they could be Fake Roman Reigns.

  2. Geoff says:

    If I were Balor I would fire Clarence Mason as his attorney and use Johnny Cochrane instead. This trial would go much quicker than a few months if Balor did that. And on the plus side, he might even win. Kane has a great case though, he just needs more hell fire and brimstone going as he yells at Balor, Mason and everyone else. You didn’t mention the name of the Judge tho. I assume it’s Judge Judy as no other judge can hold a straight face while clowns and wannabe comedians get up in front of her and present their feeble mortal cases in front of her almight immortalness.

    Mason: “Your honor, my client is innocent of all charges. He is so innocent he is guilty of being innocent. He-”

    Judy: “Did I ask you to tell me of your client? He is guilty of ripping off a demon gimmick and is therefore guilty of demon gimmick infringement. (does an announcer John Cena voice) There can only be ONE! (goes back to normal voice) and that ONE is Kane.

    Mason: But

    Judy: I hereby sentence Mr. Balor 666 of community service and to find his own gimmick. One that his employer Mr. Mahon cannot infringe upon. As for you Mr. Mason, I sentence you to be a model at Project Runway, you need better looking clothes. Go change. Dismissed”

  3. Barronmore says:

    All we need now is Sid Justice to be the judge and we got a whole room full of wrestlecrap.

  4. Brownie_the_3rd says:

    Just so you know, when the WWE eventually run this angle I’m going to hold you personally responsible for it Jordan

  5. John C says:

    How we forget the most important judge of all, Judge Jeff Jones of ECW fame.

  6. whorefinder says:

    Surprise witness? Katie Vick.

    • CF says:

      “Ms. Vick, is it correct to say you are not at all well?”

      “In fact, Ms. Vick, not to put too fine a point on it: Are you in fact what is generally knows as Dead?”

      “Ms. Vick, are you considering the question, or are you in fact Dead?”

      “One moment, Your Honor….”


      “No further questions, Your Honor.”

  7. Brian Jacobs says:

    Well it could be worse…one of them could have hired David Otunga and then there would be either legal meetings like during that one Sheamus feud, or a lot of rambling like he does during SmackDown commentary.

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