Headlies: Kane Meets With Human Resources

14 Submitted by on Mon, 28 September 2015, 08:00


Stamford, CT – Following the events of last Monday night in which he attacked WWE champion Seth Rollins, Corporate Kane met with several members of WWE’s Human Resources division.

Kane, who just recently returned to work following an injury, sat at a long table, flanked by HR workers Katherine Buonano and Katherine Capatelli. The “Kathys” as they are known around the office got right down to business.

“Kane, we need to address your conduct from this past Monday,” said Kathy B. “We received several complaints from both Superstars and management. We’d just like to hear your side of the story.”

Kane took a sip of water and unbuttoned his suit jacket. “First of all, I would just like to thank both of you for taking the time out of your busy schedules to meet with me,” said Kane. “I am more than happy to clear the air and resolve this so I can get back to being the best Director of Operations I can be.”

The Kathys nodded in unison.

“It’s no secret that Seth and I have had our…issues,” said Kane. “But that is in the past. Thanks to the work of Dr Shelby, I have defeated my anger issues. Whoever that was that attacked Seth on RAW, it wasn’t me. You have my word.”

“Well that’s great to hear, Kane,” said Kathy C. “Before you go, though, we’d like to let you know that we actually found your missing complaints file. I guess it must have fallen behind a filing cabinet”

Both Kathys then lifted the 3-foot tall file and placed it on the conference table.

Kane began to sweat uncomfortably as he shifted in his seat.

“Let’s see,” said Kathy B. “Attempted vehicular manslaughter? Aggravated stalking? Hooking Shane McMahon’s testicles to a car battery? Practicing dentistry without a license?! These are serious accusations, Kane!”

“Defiling a corpse?!” shrieked Kathy C. “We have to terminate you immediately!”

“No wait just a darn minute,” said the Corporate Demon, banging his hand on the table. “Those allegations were proven to be completely fabricated. This was perpetrated by none other than Triple H. If he can pretend to have sexual relations with a mannequin on live television in an effort to frame me and still become the eventual head of the WWE, then I should have no issue staying on as Director of Operations!”

The Kathys excused themselves to discuss the matter in private. After a quick call to Triple H, Kane kept his job and received an increase in pay.

Later that night, Corporate Kane, satisfied with the results of the meeting, treated himself to a cheesesteak, curly fries, and a large cherry Coke. He curled up on his couch with his Lhasa Apso Torchy and his terrier mix Charcoal (Charlie for short) and enjoyed several episodes of Bones on Netflix.

“Keep climbing the ladder,” said Kane to himself as he fell asleep, dreaming of a day when he becomes the Chairman of WWE.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
14 Responses to "Headlies: Kane Meets With Human Resources"
  1. John C says:

    “I would now like to read a prepared statement on my own behalf. Who amongst hasn’t set fire to a co-worker on occasion but I have been shot in the face with a flame thrower by no less than the COO of this company. I’ve also defended the honor of Major League Baseball by repeatedly Tombstoning one of it’s all-time notorious outlaws, Mr. Pete Rose. I don’t expect you to always understand my actions but you should know they are in the best interest of business. So you may say you’re welcome and I’ll be on my way.”

  2. TK says:

    So it’s true…Wrestlecrap can tell the FUTURE as Human Resources is on Raw right now! Ashley, Kathy, close enough. Great job!

  3. Down With OPC says:

    I was wondering how Kane’s Lhasa Apso was doing! Torchy is a good name!

    By the way, I have been referring to this new Kane as “Republikane”.

  4. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Jordan must be some kind of psychic!

  5. Thomas Moffatt says:

    In another announcement WWE have denied rehiring Drew Hankinson.

  6. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Really, is anyone surprised that the WWE booking team are all avid readers of WrestleCrap?

  7. I'm not using my real name says:

    Meanwhile, after watching the whole HR story play out on Raw, Finn Balor took a long look into the mirror at Demon Balor. Demon Balor gave a Man Mountain Rock shrug and said “Yeah, I don’t know either, dude.”

  8. Deinal says:

    We have to terminate you immediately!” lol

  9. Michael says:

    This article is very profitable for me..I learn here many things..You are really sharing good information with this article.

  10. Paige says:

    WWE Superstars is a professional wrestling television program produced by WWE that originally aired on WGN America in the United States and is broadcast on the WWE Network

  11. samsu says:

    Demon Balor gave a Man Mountain Rock shrug and said “Yeah, I don’t know either, dude.”

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