Headlies: JTG Hoping He’s Not Picked For The Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal

11 Submitted by on Fri, 04 April 2014, 08:00

Pictured: JTG…maybe

Stamford, CT – WWE held a meeting with all mid and lower-card Superstars to determine who would be entering the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal at Wrestlemania XXX this Sunday.

Corporate Kane led the meeting stating, “I know in previous years that battle royals and drafts have been held with some fanfare, but unfortunately, it’s just not in the budget,” said Kane as he turned on a projector for his Powerpoint presentation. “That being said, I’d like to thank you all for coming here on your day off. I know you all have more important things to do,” chuckled Kane as the room full of unused wrestlers stared silently.

The group contained well-liked, but unpushed stars such as Dolph Ziggler and Antonio Cesaro, as well as dark match mainstays such as R-Truth and Justin Gabriel. Barely-seen wrestler JTG was also at the meeting, though the group was unaware of his presence.

JTG’s attendance was unintentional as he had come to Titan Towers to pick up his paycheck when he saw Stephanie McMahon down the hall. JTG ran into the conference room and wedged himself into an overhead vent. He eventually fell asleep, and when he awoke, he was trapped above the meeting.

Corporate Kane continued to the next slide as JTG watched through a vent above. “Now, we used to use a barrel or an air machine with numbered ping-pong balls in it, but I think you’ll find this formula and spreadsheet to be both fair and illuminating. If you would all open your packets to page A-1, you will see that Big Show will be an entrant in the battle royal.”

Each time Corporate Kane read a name off his list, JTG tensed up, fearing that he was actually going to have to appear at an event, causing the McMahons and Triple H to realize that he is still employed. He was almost home free when Jey Uso’s name was called, making JTG to hit his head on the vent and letting out a pained “Ch’yeah!” This caused several of the people in the room to look up at the ceiling in confusion.

“You may notice that there are still a few spaces left,” said Corporate Kane. “While I cannot divulge on any of the mystery entrants, I think you will all be pleasantly surprised.” Corporate Kane then feigned coughing the name “Sack of Flour” drawing smiles from the group.

After the meeting, Corporate Kane looked up from his notes and said, “You can come out now, they’re all gone.”

As JTG descended from the ceiling, Evan Bourne stepped out from behind a potted plant, Xavier Woods came out from underneath the table, Tyson Kidd came out from behind the projector screen, Camacho removed his Rey Mysterio mask, Yoshi Tatsu took off his chair costume, and Zack Ryder stopped pretending to be Nikki Bella for the last several years.

The group shared a hardy laugh before individually asking Corporate Kane for some spare change so they could catch the bus.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
11 Responses to "Headlies: JTG Hoping He’s Not Picked For The Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal"
  1. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    JTG is watching you masturbate.

  2. Cristian says:

    Dammit Jordan! Now I wanna see the adventures of JTG and all the “missing” wrestlers. I barely remembered Camacho existed!

  3. Alan says:

    Classic! The twist ending was hilarious!

  4. Alexandru says:

    LOL at the ending 100 points for you Jordan. i give JTG credit as he essentially gets paid to sit at home as he is never, ever used. Wouldn’t surprise me if he did hide from all the top exec’s. Actually if you look at the numbers, he’s, somehow, one of WWE’s longer-termed employees

  5. CBCB says:

    I really didn’t see that ending coming! That was great, LOL

    But while reading this, I couldn’t help imagining JTG sneaking around Titan Tower like Solid Snake. 😀

  6. Hashington says:

    Do you think Cena notices that Nikki is Ryder?

  7. Raven7309 says:

    I think that Corporate Kane should give the Sinister Minister from ECW a call and find out where he got his red and black suits from. I think it would help Kane stand out.

  8. Jeremy says:

    All those undercard workers may have been hiding in different places, but Ezekiel Jackson didn’t even bother to show up. This here’s what you call hibernation, its a combination of rest and relaxation.

  9. Zac says:

    I know it’s late to the punch, but JTG has been released by WWE today. Not kidding.

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