Headlies: John Cena Picks His Team For Survivor Series

24 Submitted by on Fri, 07 November 2014, 08:00


Buffalo, NY – In a much anticipated event, WWE Superstar revealed his team for the upcoming Survivor Series against The Authority. To the shock of the WWE Universe, John Cena chose 4 clones of himself to form Team Cena.

Many speculated that Cena would choose up-and-coming Superstars such as Dolph Ziggler or Big E Langston, but Cena felt there was only one person he could trust: himself. The clones, dubbed John Greena, Grimace Cena, Jaundice Cena, and Cohn Jena

“Almost everyone I tag with turns on me,” said Cena Prime. “It’s weird. It’s like people don’t like me or something. They’re just jealous of my good looks, my sculpted body, my positive attitude, my ability to overcome the odds and my piles and piles of money.”

Under direct supervision from Vince McMahon, scientists at CloneTech Enterprises created the clones from a tissue used by Cena that Nikki Bella has kept since their first date.

“It is truly a breakthrough of modern science,” said CloneTech director Bridgette Forsberg. “Of course, due to the age of the specimen which we derived John Cena’s DNA, there have been some…complications.”

“Me Cena. Me Hustle. Me Loyalty. Me Respect,” said the yellowed Jaundice.

“Every moment I live…is agony!” said Greena before throwing up on himself.

“I miss Ken Patera,” whined Grimace.


Oddsmakers are strongly favoring Team Cena to have a clean sweep of Team Authority as well as the entire NXT roster. It is also believed that all 5 Cenas will compete at Wrestlemania in a 5-way for every title in WWE.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
24 Responses to "Headlies: John Cena Picks His Team For Survivor Series"
  1. Liam says:

    Don’t be ridiculous. John would never job clean to himself. It’d be beneath him to do such a thing.

  2. John C says:

    Wait until they run into the brains and brawn of Cheesy, Queasy & Sleazy. Cenation goes down like a Bella seeing a $5 bill on the ground.

  3. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:


  4. Mr Spleen says:

    Why is it that this is so funny when Kayfabe News (who basically stole the headlies concept) are about as amusing as the consequences of drinking bleach?

  5. the14thListener says:

    Oh I’ve seen a few good things on Kayfabe News even if they are a rip-off of headlies.

    Let’s not forget that “Juan Cena” could be available. The masked version that looks like Cena Prime and not that 16 year old Mexican kid from YouTube, who was very entertaining.

  6. Doc 902714 says:

    Well they did FOUR DOINKS at Survivor Series ’93

    Just sayin’…………………

  7. RD Reynolds says:


  8. Raging_Demons says:

    Glad they snagged Bizarro. All Cena needed was Krypto, Supergirl, & maybe Beppo the Super Chimp & he’s made

  9. AK says:

    I have this strange feeling that Team Cena better watch out for John Greena. I can see him turning and joining the Authority after he’s the only member of the team to be eliminated after inadvertently hitting Cena Prime off the ring and into the protective barricade. It’s not like that has been done before so it would be quite dramatic. It’s not like the WWE ever refers back in their history to spots that may or may have not happened.

    Plus look at John Greena, all green and everything, green with envy I bet..

    Cue the Wrestecrap crickets.

  10. Sir Thomas says:

    And here I was betting John Cena’s team was going to consist of him, Bruce Campbell, Chuck Norris, the green power ranger, and the T-1000. No wonder I don’t gamble.

  11. CP says:

    I’m surprised WWE didn’t try and do a mini Cena gimmick yet.

  12. Brad says:

    I wouldn’t be shocked if the team stayed Cena and Ziggler against the Authority. Ziggler would be there just to eat a pin and make it interesting, then Cena defeats the entire Authority by himself. I hope not, but I wouldn’t be shocked

  13. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Sad thing is that if WWE could I am sure they would clone Cena’s and do away with the bulk of the roster…

  14. Down With OPC says:

    Cohn Jena, now I haven’t seen him since that dream I had about him 6 or 7 years ago. I think he was making an even worse rap album.

  15. M says:

    Damn, and I was hoping that it would be Big Rock, Solid Cena, Liquid Cena, and Solidus Cena with Dolph as Raiden

  16. Wintermute says:

    Brock Lesnar. 5 Jonh Cenas. 7 hundred German suplexes.

  17. Idi 'Big Daddy' Amin says:

    Props for referencing one of the only funny moments on post-season 10 Simpsons viz. “Every moment I live is agony”.

  18. MistaMaddog says:

    Looks like Nintendo John was playing Four Swords Adventure…

  19. IC says:

    Is anybody else only getting this and the last induction from RD’s twitter?
    When I try to go to the main page, the last update it has is from 10/31/14.

  20. Thun says:

    Feels like someone Super Smash Bros. for some reason.

  21. The Bad Ry says:

    Well, we all know that nothing can kill the Grimace. But what about Darren Young? Surely he could find his way onto the all Cena team. Not to mention Irish Cena, Chez Moose.

  22. Nah says:

    I deny Cena’s “good looks.” His face looks like a slab of granite.

  23. RSing says:

    What about the ‘Broken’ (read: Youtube Poop) version, Joj Ceec?

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