0 Submitted by on Thu, 27 December 2012, 11:35

Text by Justin Henry and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here

By Justin Henry

Stamford, CT – Since leaving the ECW broadcast booth in the spring of 2008, Joey Styles has diligently and tirelessly put much time into running WWE.com, the most viewed wrestling-related website on the internet.

Known for his pull-no-punches broadcast style, as well as his vicious swipes at rival wrestling companies, Styles has brought that firebrand attitude to his current role in web development and oversight.

“I don’t listen to “voices in my headset”, never have and never will,” bristled Styles through a contorted grimace. “If I want to add a drop-down menu, then so be it! And if Vince McMahon wants to come down here and sway his grapefruits around, he can try it, because when I say there’s going to be drop-down menus, there’s damn well going to be drop-down menus! Yes, I said “damn”!”

The Fred Savage-looking rebel made it clear that WWE.com is his house, and that he’s not going to yield an inch to corporate overlords.

“This website is MINE, and I report on the storylines and happenings within WWE the way I see fit!” continued a red-faced Styles. “No one can tell me the exact placing of the John Cena, Rey Mysterio, and Triple H related headlines, but as long as I make sure they’re on the front page and are easily seen upon the website’s loading, then there isn’t a damn thing that WWE, nor Vince McMahon, can do to stop me! Yes, I said “damn”!”

Styles left his post as ECW announcer with some controversy, as his vacancy gave way for inexperienced wrestling personality Mike Adamle to take over as the voice of ECW. Some believe that this was a “demotion” for Styles, to show him that WWE was willing to replace an outspoken avatar with a more “suitably corporate” one.

“Mike Adamle just ‘played the game’, whereas I wouldn’t lower myself to being a puppet. Adamle could never be me; he could never handle the raw stylings of an unsilenceable voice like that which is my own! Adamle was never a wordsmith. He wouldn’t know the first thing about technical writing in regards to the wonderful deals listed on Shop WWE. When I write, or oversee the writing of, the language that tries to sell a Heath Slater action figure to a fan, I bring that writing to life with a nasty bite!”

Styles was also asked if he ever anticipated a return to the broadcast booth some day.

“Never, I’m too opinionated. I’m happier on Twitter, where I can rip TNA every few days in the comfort of my well guarded office. Some have asked why I don’t rip WWE nearly as much. To that, I say that’s malarkey! I have plenty of barbs to dish out to my corporate master, and as soon as my media contract with the company expires, you’re going to see my verbal machete being hacked around! Unless they re-up my contract, in which case the verbal revolution will have to wait for a better day!”

By RD Reynolds

Perry, Oklahoma – Getting noticed is a must in pro wrestling, and Jake Hager, known to wrestling fans worldwide as Jack Swagger, knew it.

“As much as I was hoping that my extensive amateur background would get my career off the ground, I needed to only take a glance at Shelton Benjamin’s spot on the cards to realize I’d need something more than that,” said Swagger to a fan waiting to get an autograph from Ricardo Rodriguez following a recent Smackdown show. “Sometimes being a great athlete just isn’t enough; you need to be something of a showman as well.”

In order to get noticed, Swagger decided to go back to his childhood passion: novelty (also known as “gag”) toys.

“Whoopee cushions, Silly Putty, paddleballs…you name it, I had it as a kid. I must have had 10 pairs for Groucho glasses at one point. And Sea Monkeys! Man, don’t even get me started on Sea Monkeys! I bet I had more of those than any zoo in North America.”

Sometimes, this passion for these items led the young Swagger to throw tantrums of epic proportions. “I remember one time I was at the store with my dad, and I wanted a Blackstone Magic Kit so bad, but he said no because I had used up all my allowance money on fortune telling fish. I got mad, so I held my breath until I literally passed out, hit my head on the counter, and had to be rushed to the emergency room. But it was worth it, because my parents felt bad for me because of my concussion and bought it for me as a gift. Suckers!”

Swagger made his debut in Deep South Wrestling under his real name to little fanfare. Frustrated, he went home in search of an answer to his struggles. He found that answer tucked away in a shoebox under his bed: oversized false front teeth. Swagger knew this would give him a distinctive look no one would forget.

“It was down to that or X-Ray glasses. I brought both with me when I was transferred to FCW. I pulled Ted DiBiase Jr. over in the locker room and asked him what he thought would work best. I’ll never forget Ted looking at me, head cocked, and saying, ‘We’re moving to a PG rating; you can’t use X-Ray glasses, idiot.’ I kept the glasses, though, and would often wear them backstage, just hoping I’d catch Alicia Fox walking by.”

His new oversized, ultra-white dentures in place, Swagger became a favorite of Stephanie McMahon, head of WWE Creative. Swagger shot up the card first in ECW and then on Smackdown, eventually winning the World Heavyweight Championship. It seemed there was no mountain he couldn’t climb, and was poised to become a tippy top guy in the company. But then one day, things went wrong.

“My teeth, my real teeth I guess I should say, just started hurting,” Swagger said. “I went to the dentist, and he explained that the plastic in my fake teeth were cutting into my gums, and causing problems. He said that I needed to leave them out for a few days to allow them to heal up a bit. I was hesitant, but I did so. I wish I never had.”

Two days later, Swagger had a meeting with WWE Creative to discuss his upcoming storylines. “Oh God, that meeting with Vince and Stephanie,” Swagger sadly recalled, “they just kept looking at me like I had the plague. At one point Vince just shook his head and left the meeting. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong until I noticed that Stephanie wasn’t looking me in the eyes. She was looking at my mouth.”

In a panic, Swagger said he had to go to the bathroom and excused himself from the table. “I immediately went and put the novelty teeth back in and have never taken them out since…but it was too late. The damage had been done.”

At that point, Swagger noticed he was getting a completely different treatment from the company. He not only lost his championship, but began losing constantly on television. He went from being in title matches on pay-per-view to not being on the shows at all. In what many thought may have been the final humiliation, he was then given a man in a bird suit as a mascot. “That was so stupid. Why would I have an eagle as a mascot? Made no sense at all.”

Swagger concluded that had the mascot been a giant rubber chicken instead, the company may have been onto something.

By Justin Henry

Hollywood, CA – With his win over Adam Pearce on March 6, 2011, Colt Cabana is now the NWA World Heavyweight Champion, conclusively proving that just about anybody can hold the title.

“It’s a big win for us overrated indy darlings everywhere,” said Cabana via phone interview. “It was enough of a thrill that I rode the coattails of CM Punk into a brief WWE run that nobody remembers. I thought my non-sequitir humor that’s only enjoyed by nerds and tools would give me a sustained WWE tenure, but since that didn’t happen, I’m ecstatic to have parlayed my overrated credentials into something else.”

Cabana joins the ranks of Brent Albright, Mike Rapada, and AJ Styles, as wrestlers who weren’t good enough to escape “B-Show Hell” in WWE, yet can claim a World Championship on their resume.

“After Albright won it, I think the door was kicked down forever,” Cabana continued. “Adam Pearce is another one. He’s drier than a box of raisins, and he got THREE reigns with the belt! I figure I’m good enough to have about five or six reigns then. I hope the championship committee will allow me to trade the belt with somebody of equal value to me, like Sim Snuka or Mike Knox, or perhaps even the corpse of Giant Gonzalez. There’s really no telling the number of ways in which I could further devalue this already worthless relic of a championship.”

Cabana’s average technical wrestling skills, as well as his business-exposing posturing and humor that he delves into during matches, have made him a hero to wrestling fans with no grasp of true psychology, let alone a grasp on their own personal lives.

“My Twitter account lit up with mentions after I won, and I noticed that those who tweeted about me generally fell into two categories: men 15-34 who were overweight and looked like somebody pasted Zach Galifainakis’ head onto Ralphie May’s body, or men who simply put a logo, or picture of a wrestler or comic book character as their avatar. I suspect that they too fit into the Zach/Ralphie hybrid category, but are just more self-conscious about their appearance. But still, I enjoy being their hero. If Lady Gaga can be a “gay icon”, why can’t I be a “fat, lazy moron icon”?”

Cabana was also asked about his first defense.

“I think I’m going to give Pearce a rematch, truth be told. This belt dictates tradition, and even though only 17 people still care about the heritage of this belt, as well as wrestling custom, I’m going to uphold those customs. Of course, if I don’t defend it in thirty days, I’ll be stripped of the gold, and somebody like Sylvain Grenier will end up with it. But even then, I think the belt is safe because of the time-honored $2,500 deposit I put on the belt. It used to be $25,000 was required, but come on, if I had money, I could clearly afford better ring attire and a decent haircut. They cut me a break.”

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)

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