Headlies: Jack Tunney Expected to Carry Parts Unknown in Landslide

16 Submitted by on Tue, 08 November 2016, 19:32


It’s a landslide! For the ninth Presidential election in a row, incumbent Jack Tunney is expected to win re-election by a hefty amount.

To the surprise of no one, Tunney is expected to carry Parts Unknown with the near unanimity of the vote. The sovereignty has consistently voted Tunney since his first appearance on the ballot in 1984, and the coveted 58 Electoral Votes have generally been his avenue toward re-election in cycle after cycle.

“We just appreciate the job President Tunney does for us,” said resident Melvin Executioner, a fourth-generation Parts Unknown native whose entire family has supported Tunney for decades. “We’ve campaigned for him vigorously from under our bland masks, even long before I was born, and we’re proud to do so.”

“He understands the everyman, and rules very fairly,” notes resident Barry Darsow. “Even after I moved to the Motor City in 1991, I remembered all he had done our community, and I took to campaigning for him there as well. That was a pivotal election I remember, because his big theme was ‘no reptiles’. Then I remember him running in 1996, and there were reptiles again! That’s how much President Tunney is loved: people were willing to overlook that lack of continuity for him.”

Exit polls from major cities such as The Outer Reaches of Your Mind, Bellville, Who Knows Where, and Some Unknown Part of The Planet have been coming back strong for Tunney ever since the polling centers opened earlier this morning, at a staggering 478 to 1 margin. His campaign slogan, “Make Survivor Series Fuckin’ Mean Something Again”, seems to have resonated strongest with his supporters in 2016.

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)
16 Responses to "Headlies: Jack Tunney Expected to Carry Parts Unknown in Landslide"
  1. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    I can’t tell you how much this made me smile tonight. Bravo! 🙂 TUNNEY 2016!

  2. Thomas says:

    Why didn’t I write in Jack Tunney for real this election?

  3. CF says:

    What’s the word from Freedomland, USA? 🙂

  4. Shockwave says:

    Good stuff 🙂 He was such a class act.

  5. "The Big Cheese" Paul Kraft says:

    Where is my Tunney 2016 bumper sticker?!

  6. John C says:

    “Unequivocally, therefore I will not sanction a rematch between the participants of this campaign cycle for the good of the company.”

  7. Arthur F says:

    I’ve got some bad news, fellers.
    Jack Tunney got very, very sick.

  8. Uncle P. says:

    Did he share any constituents with “Wherever He Damn Well Pleases?”

  9. Mav says:

    Some ridiculous WCW character was from The Woods.

    Maybe Big Josh?

    Donald clearly won with woodsmen, mountain men, Man Mountain Jack, etc.

  10. MistaMaddog says:

    Vote Gorilla Monsoon, the People’s President!

  11. ClawsomeMan says:

    And I hope Survivor Series would mean something again this year!

  12. Don says:

    Is it true that his platform is to get everyone in Parts Unknown a bathroom scale, to end once and for all the scourge of “Weight Unknown” that a considerable number of Parts Unknown wrestlers suffered from?

  13. Bjob says:

    Millennial Reigns voters are now protesting the result, claiming Tunney lost the popular vote even though the total votes haven’t yet been declared, and are smashing their own arenas apart while blaming it on Gorilla Monsoon.

    • EWA Beach Boy says:

      Late returns from WCW Special Forces allowed Tunney’s opponent to carry the popular vote but not the Electoral College. Reports that Tunney’s opponent Ga Rilla forced WCW Special Forces populace to vote for him with unseen pictures in a briefcase are unconfirmed.

  14. Doc 902714 says:

    Find Parts Unknown, Visit Wherever He Damn Well Pleases, WCW Special Forces and more etc in the newest WWE Book by DK Publishing entitled Tony [‘s] Atlas: A Guide to the Whereabouts of WWE Strangely Unique and Bizarre Hometowns. With foreword by Kevin Sullivan.

  15. Doc 902714 says:

    And yes you will be able to locate the fabulous city of Pee Wee Herman, California

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