Headlies: J-Tex Corporation Buys Stake In WWE

11 Submitted by on Fri, 23 May 2014, 08:00


Amarillo, TX – The J-Tex Corporation, also known as “Gary Hart International” announced today that they have purchased a stake in shares of World Wrestling Entertainment following the company’s catastrophic dive in the market last Friday.

J-Tex Corporation was a WCW stable under the tutelage of the late Gary Hart that brought together wrestlers from both Texas and Japan. Hart’s protege, former WWE creative member and current ROH member Court Bauer met with financial reporters at the Double Cross Ranch to discuss the purchase.

“This has been a long time coming for J-Tex,” said Bauer, flanked by Corporation members Terry Funk, The Great Muta, Dick Slater, The Dragonmaster, and Buzz Sawyer. “They say that revenge is a dish is best served cold. It may have taken over 20 years, but the J-Tex Corporation is finally taking over WCW. By proxy, of course,” clarified Bauer.

The news of the purchase caps off a very difficult past few months for WWE. The lower-than-expected numbers of network subscribers combined with the injury of their champion Daniel Bryan and a thin roster has led many to question if WWE would soon by following in WCW’s footsteps into the professional wrestling graveyard.

“We’re callin’ on the Board o’ Directors to fire WWE’s executive management and that coward Ric Flair,” said Funk in his unique warble. “You’re all in fer a fiscal nightmare!”

The Great Muta then spit green mist into the crowd of reporters, blinding several members from Business Insider and the Wall Street Journal.

Currently, WWE’s only hope of stopping the J-Tex Corporation is a combination of the newly signed Sting and an appeal to both the New York Stock Exchange and the NASDAQ.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
11 Responses to "Headlies: J-Tex Corporation Buys Stake In WWE"
  1. John C says:

    People began to applaud as The Funker slipped a plastic bag over Mr. McMahon’s head. Stephaine McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque was overheard saying, “Don’t fight it daddy, think of your grandchildren.”

  2. RD Reynolds says:

    This may be the most delightfully obscure Headlie ever.

  3. Outlawjc says:

    Um…Buzz Sawyer has been dead for decades, did you dig my former trainer up?

  4. RD Reynolds says:

    I didn’t even know he was sick!

  5. Preparation Triple H says:

    When asked how long he expected the fiscal nightmare to last, Terry Funk replied:


  6. Barronmore says:

    It’s headlies like THIS that would get me watching WWE again. J-Tex returns! Mulkey Mania running wild in DLC videogames…sigh..

    i’d watch wrestlecrap championship wrestling anywhere…anytime…im’ sure it would have to be internet only because you’d have to have The Iron Sheik and Scott Steiner on commentary and i’m sure FCC regulations would not let them on the air!

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