Headlies: Irate Fans Swear They’ll Only Buy A Few Shirts From WWE’s Website

10 Submitted by on Mon, 30 November 2015, 08:00


Henderson, NV – Diehard wrestling fans Colby Cooper and Bryson St. James have vowed that despite totally and utterly hating everything WWE has done in the past year, they will only buy a small amount of shirts off of the WWE website.

The college sophomores scanned the Shop WWE website in hopes of finding good deals for just a few t-shirts.

“Survivor Series was 100% balls,” said Colby while adding an “I got shellshocked by Ryback” shirt to his checkout cart. “No one cares about Reigns, everyone good is hurt, and Creative both sucks and blows.”

Bryson agreed, saying “I hate WWE. I hate them so much. I almost didn’t go to the house show a few months ago and I barely buy any downloadble content for WWE2K16. Oh, dude, we have to get that ‘Brie Mode’ shirt. It’s on clearance for $5.99! People will eat that up at the next Paragon Pro Wrestling show.”

“Too sweet!” shouted Colby while doing a crotch-chop. “Man, I gotta tweet that to Triple H. It’ll blown his mind.”

“I bet they think we’re so stupid,” said Bryson, checking the WWE app on his phone. “I’m totally going to stick it to them by getting shirts from wrestlers I like. Once they see that people only buy shirts for Kevin Owens, Cesaro, and Finn Balor, WWE will finally get the message. Idiots.”

“We’ll just keep it to 5 shirts apiece,” said Colby, taking out his official WWE Money In The Bank credit card. “Gotta let them know we won’t put up with a garbage product anymore. Bro, I’d look so good in this Ziggler ‘I’m too good’ muscle t-shirt. I’ll get two.”

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
10 Responses to "Headlies: Irate Fans Swear They’ll Only Buy A Few Shirts From WWE’s Website"
  1. John C says:

    “Then to show them how powerful we are we’ll have a huge fire and burn all the posters and t-shirts we just bought. They’ll feel so stupid as we toss all those Cena wristbands into a fire pit while shouting We the People!!! I’ll bet Vince will have a fit when he sees us throwing all these Roman Reigns shirts into the flames. We’ll totally post it onto instagram, how dumb will they feel?”

    • Philip says:

      See, you say that like it’s not likely to happen in real life, but I saw a guy on a WWE Facebook post threaten to do exactly that. I’m not sure he grasped the idea that WWE wouldn’t give two chunks of monkey crap what he does with his own property that he paid for with his own money…

      • John C says:

        No, I actually figured stuff like that would happen. You’d hear things like that when people would protest about books or cd’s they didn’t like and would buy them from a store just to burn them. Way to show up those guys.

        • MistaMaddog says:

          What was it that Charlie Sheen said to the haters who went to his shows?

          Oh yeah, “I already got your money…”

  2. Ehkneebody says:

    100% accurate , I’d say.

  3. Gotchism For Life says:

    That’s part of the reason why Vince won’t change. He knows he has every WWE fan in the palm of his hand.

  4. TRO says:


  5. Tony G says:

    What made it even funnier for me is that, i currently live in Henderson, NV. Great job always.

  6. Zachary W says:

    Pretty accurate. Me, I’m just letting my WWE Network subscription run out and then subscribe to Ring of Honor. Just going to do it quietly, because I know they don’t give a shit what I think, only what my money thinks.

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